Eye of the NeedleBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:38 PM GMT
See Also: 'Eye of the Needle' Episode Guide
Janeway: You've discovered a wormhole, Harry? Congratulations!
Kim: Thank you, Ma'am! Boy, am I glad that we've found a way home after just six weeks in the Delta Quadrant!
Paris: Captain, the wormhole is now in sight. Sort of.
Kim: Uh...sensors show that the aperture is only thirty centimeters wide.
Paris: Oh, great. A slice of pizza could barely fit through there. You sure know how to pick 'em, Harry.
Kim: Captain, we can't just give up! Couldn't we...I dunno, grease the outside of the hull or something?
Janeway: Harry, be sensible.
Kim: Okay, how about shrinking the ship by traversing a subspace compression phenomenon? I bet we can find one near here if we look around a bit.
Tuvok: Mr. Kim, there are no "two for one discounts" on spatial anomalies.
Doctor: What kind of foolish, breakneck sport were you practicing this time, Mr. Baxter?
Kes: The Doctor asked you a question, Lieutenant.
Baxter: Doctor who? What question?
Kes: How did you injure yourself?
Baxter: It was on the holodeck. I was playing goaltender in a Klingon javelin-throwing competition.
Kes: I'd like to study human anatomy.
Doctor: You're too young for that. Ask me again later once you're at least two years old.
Kes: Captain, the crew behaves rudely towards the Doctor. They keep ignoring him and talking to me instead.
Janeway: That's hardly surprising. You're much cuter than he is.
Kim: We're ready to send a voice transmission through the wormhole, Captain.
Janeway: Okay, let's give it a shot. Yo! Can anyone out there hear me?
Unidentified Voice: (over the comm) Hello? Who the hell is this?
Janeway: This is the Federation Starship Voyager and we're lost in the Delta Quadrant. Thank you so much for answering us!
Unidentified Voice: You're calling all the way from the Delta Quadrant?
Janeway: Yes, and our ship is desperately low on resources. Do you mind if we reverse the charges?
Janeway: Damn! Where's the "redial" button on this stupid console?
Janeway: I want to make life aboard more pleasant for you, Doctor. What can I do to help?
Doctor: I'd like to have the ability to turn myself off.
Janeway: All right...we'll modify your program accordingly. Anything else?
Doctor: I'd also like to have the ability to turn mys--
Janeway: Be very careful how you finish that sentence, Doc.
Kim: (over the comm) Captain, I've re-established the voice link with the Alpha Quadrant. I'm routing it to your quarters now.
Janeway: I'm very grateful that you've agreed to talk to us again, Mr. Romulan. Would you be willing to relay some personal messages to our families back home?
Romulan: (over the comm) Yes, but only if your engineers can set up a toll-free connection between us. Let me know when it's ready. Goodnight.
Janeway: Goodnight? You mean you can see that I'm wearing a nightgown? Eeek! Harry, I thought you said that this was a voice link!
Torres: Captain, I think that the wormhole can accomodate a transporter signal!
Janeway: Well done, Torres! Get to work on it right away! And make sure you don't waste any time investigating that mysterious phase variance which Ensign Kim discovered!
Doctor: Let me get this straight. You're all going to beam back home through the wormhole and leave me behind on Voyager?
Kes: You mean we can't take you with us?
Doctor: Of course not. And I'm not exactly holding my breath waiting for the day when we'll be able to casually transmit holograms from one quadrant to another.
Kes: What breath?
Doctor: I rest my case.
Tuvok: I have bad news, Captain. Our Romulan visitor has travelled through time from two decades ago.
Torres: That means we'll end up twenty years in the past if we try to follow him back to the Alpha Quadrant.
Janeway: It would pollute the timeline and have unimaginable consequences.
Kim: So exactly what's the bad news part?
Tuvok: I have bad news again, Captain.
Janeway: Oh, for goodness' sake...what is it this time?
Tuvok: According to our records, Dr. R'Mor died four years before we were stranded in the Delta Quadrant. He could not have relayed our personal messages after our disappearance, as he'd agreed to do.
Janeway: Let's not lose hope so soon. Perhaps he left our messages in the custody of an attorney for later disclosure.
Tuvok: Romulans do not have attorneys, Captain.
Torres: And even if they did, would you trust a Romulan lawyer?
(Voyager sails away at Lugubrious Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.