DreadnoughtBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:51 PM GMT
See Also: 'Dreadnought' Episode Guide
Wildman: I think I'll name my baby Naomi if it's a girl and Judd if it's a boy.
Doc: Judd is a Ferengi word meaning "Weird forehead."
Kes: You should name him Prytt, after my father.
Doc: Hey! I want to be named after your father! Who's your daddy? Huh? Huh? Who's your daddy?
Kes: That is disturbing on so many different levels.
Janeway: Um, what is a Cardassian bomb doing in the middle of the Delta Quadrant?
Torres: It looks like the backstroke.
Janeway: Groan. Just for that, this is going to be your character development episode.
Chakotay: Tom, you were late for the meeting. And you're only wearing the minimum amount of flair.
Paris: Are you saying you want to get rid of me?
Chakotay: I'm sure we can find a Talaxian ship to take you off our hands.
Paris: Chakotay, Chakotay, when will you learn? You'll always have Paris.
Torres: What sucks is that I reprogrammed the bomb without permission and offended Chakotay. Now any chances of a relationship between us are gone.
Paris: Well, there's always Harry.
Torres: Speaking of bad ideas, what's this I hear about you forgetting to do your TPS reports? Didn't you get the memo?
Kim: According to our scans, Dreadnought is thataway.
Torres: Your scans can deceive you. Don't trust them.
Janeway: I just wanted to let you know that there's a big freakin' missle headed your way.
Kellan: (over the comm) Is that some kind of threat?
Janeway: I personally thought it was a rather good one.
Torres: Why do I feel like I just beamed on to DS9?
Dreadnought: Last login: 47474.7 from maquis.org. You have mail.
Torres: Computer, read email.
Dreadnought: "Would you like to enlarge your --"
Torres: Delete message. Ctrl-Alt-Delete.
Dreadnought: The system is going to shut down NOW.
Janeway: So you shut down Dreadnought? That was easy. What are we supposed to do now?
Torres: I'm sure something will come up.
Paris: (over the comm) The Dreadnought's power just went up. The Dreadnought's speed just went up. The Dreadnought's finger just went up.
Janeway: I don't remember the Dreadnought having a finger.
Torres: Dreadnought, why did you start back up?
Dreadnought: (over the comm) Um, Ctrl-Alt-Delete is the instruction to reboot, not to shut down.
Torres: Well, then shut down.
Dreadnought: Neener, neener, neener!
Torres: I never taught it to do that.
Dreadnought: Sure you did. That was in between "Ha ha!" and "Pbbbbt!"
Kellan: (over the comm) So the missile's going to explode and everyone's going to die?
Janeway: Well, we tried to stop it.
Kellan: Yeah, how many casualties did you have?
Janeway: I, um, broke a nail.
Kellan: I hate you. I hate you so much.
Torres: Hello, Dreadnought.
Dreadnought: Last login: 49447.1 from voyager.com. You have mail.
Torres: Computer, read email.
Dreadnought: "Lose weight while trying to self-destruct a missle! It works! No need to excer--"
Torres: Delete message. Shut down.
Torres: All right. You're a computer, I can talk you into self-destructing. Um, "Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad."
Torres: Oh, just tell me why you're not working right.
Dreadnought: Well, maybe it's that corrupted file in my filesystem. By the way, I hope you can breathe without life support. I know I can.
Kellan: (over the comm) Since the planet's going to be blown up, I've taken out an outrageous amount of money from a loanshark, told my wife what I really think of her, and dressed up like an asparagus!
Janeway: We were thinking we would destroy Voyager to stop the missile.
Kellan: Um, actually I think I'd prefer you let the missile destroy us now.
Janeway: You really want to die?
Kellan: Can't you see I'm green with envy?
Torres: Let's see, how do I crash a computer? I know! Install new software!
Cardassian Dreadnought: The Maquis Dreadnought has preformed an invalid page fault.
Maquis Dreadnought: That was a valid page fault!
Cardassian Dreadnought: Stack overflow!
Maquis Dreadnought: Norman! Norman, coordinate!
Cardassian Dreadnought: (singing) Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.
Janeway: I'm afraid the only way to stop Dreadnought is to push The Button.
Chakotay: The self-destruct button or the Reset button?
Janeway: Can't I do both?
Dreadnought: What are you doing, B'Elanna?
Torres: I thought the Cardassian computer was doing the 2001 references.
Dreadnought: He was, and for it I sent him straight to HAL.
Torres: At least by manually destructing you I won't have to hear any more of your jokes.
Dreadnought: This is the way the world ends, not with a --
(The episode resolves itself at Ludicrous Speed.)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.