DarklingBy Nic Corelli
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:05 PM GMT
See Also: 'Darkling' Episode Guide
Zahir: Yes. There is a region of space called the Northwest Passage, and you must avoid it at all cost. It is where powerful cybernetic life forms are waging a ruthless war against monsters from fluidic space.
Tuvok: Bahahaha! What a silly and implausible story! Like I'm going to bother my captain with that....
Torres: What you failed to realize, Doc, is that you've also added dark sides of your celebrities into your program... their darklings, if I may say.
Doc: You're right... I've been so stupid. That must have been Britney and her daftling.
Torres: And since you also have Bill Gates' dorkling, your program will start crashing unstoppably very soon.
Janeway: Oh my! Kes' boyfriend Zahir has been brutally attacked!
Tuvok: And it's very strange that the attacker left no fingerprints, no molecular residue, no organic trace whatsoever.
Janeway: It almost seems that he wasn't organic, that he was... an artificial life form.
Janeway: So, any ideas who the attacker might have been?
Tuvok: I'm stumped.
Torres: (wakes up) Doc, what happened to me? Why do you look so angry?
Evil Doc: Bwahahaha! Surprise! I'm evil and I want to take over the world!
Torres: Hey, does this make you Dr. Evil? Ha! Haha! Bwahahahahahaha!
Kes: Doctor! Why have you mutilated your poor holograms? Look how painfully you twisted Lord Byron's arms!
Evil Doc: Actually, Marquis De Sade did that. Now come with me, Kes -- let's escape the captivity of this ship and rule the galaxy as Doctor and Nurse!
Kes: All your efforts are futile. I will never cross to the Daft Side.
Evil Doc: Come on, Kes! Can't you see that Evil is way cooler than Good?
Kes: It is not.
Evil Doc: Oh, don't tell me you're the kind of person who roots for the wimpy Snow White, instead for the cool and stylish Evil Queen?
Chakotay: Okay, you're cornered, Doc. Let Kes go and surrender.
Evil Doc: No way! I'll jump!
Chakotay: If you surrender, we'll let you live inside the Doctor's program. By our calculations, if we delete 2% of his sarcasm subroutine, there'll be enough space for five of you.
Doc: I'm so sorry for torturing you in unimaginable ways. I promise never to tinker with my program again.
Torres: I'm glad to hear that. You've practically messed up all of your algorithms.
Doc: But I didn't know that! How many algorithms does it take, Lieutenant, before it becomes wrong?
Janeway: I'm so happy you didn't leave with Zahir, Kes. Whom would I guide on a quest towards humanity and individuality then?
Kes: Well, it's always possible you'll find a new potential daughter to raise.
Janeway: Nonsense! Who could ever replace you, Kes?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Nic Corelli is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.