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The Trek Nation - Critical Care

Critical Care

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:54 PM GMT

See Also: 'Critical Care' Episode Guide

Gar: Look what I found! Pretty neat, huh?
Doc: Please state the--hey, I've been stolen! Unfair!
Chellick: Hmm...does it come with a mute button?

Doc: I'm sorry, the Emergency Medical Hologram is not available right now. If you leave your name and number after the beep, he'll make witty comments at your expense as soon as possible. Thank you. -BEEP-
Kim: Is it just me, or is Doc a little different today?

Janeway: Somebody stole the Doctor? That's a disgrace! Let's see...whom can I blame?
Tuvok: I believe it's my turn.
Neelix: No, it's my turn! Mine, I tell you!
Janeway: Whatever. I'll blame you both, and you can make up for it later in a humourous interrogation scene.

Tebbis: Welcome to Down Below, Doc!
Doc: Hey, a likeable but ill-fated youngster. Why isn't he being treated?
Voje: He reminds everybody too much of Wesley Crusher. Uh, I mean....

Chellick: ....and this is where we put the rich people.
Doc: GAH! What is this place, an HMO?
Dysek: Only metaphorically. Pleased to meet you, I'm the stereotypical alien collaborator.

Tuvok: Hey, Gar's not here after all! But it's okay because I know some technobabble that will help us find him.
Janeway: Good old technobabble! It never fails.

Alien: Give me my iridium back!
Janeway: The misplaced-blame thing was already done in "Live Fast and Prosper," pal.
Alien: It was? Oh. In that case, he went thattaway.

Doc: Can I have some cytoglobin? Pleeeeease?
Dysek: No, we need to waste it on rich people.

Doc: Let's try messing with this database to make it think Tebbis is a scientific genius.
Voje: You idiot! The last thing he needs is to be even more Wesleyish!

Doc: Nurse, bring me some cytoglobin -- which I will not sneak out and use on Tebbis! No way, not me! Everybody hear that?

Janeway: Where's Gar?
Mr. Kipp: Beats me. Try the fat guy.

Janeway: Where's Gar?
Fat Guy: Beats me. Try my wife.

Janeway: Where's Gar?
Fat Guy's Wife: Why? Are you interested in him?
Janeway: Um...no, I'm married to Tuvok here. J/Cers, eat your hearts out.

Doc: I stole some more medicine. Let's dish it out!
Voje: I am not taking part in this. On second thought, pass me a needle.

Doc: You've got an excellent future, Tebbis.
Voje: Yep. For example, you may go on to die and bring about a turning point in the episode.
Tebbis: Oo, sounds like fun.

Janeway: Gotcha!
Gar: Rats.
Kim: Where? Where?

Doc: Hey, where's Tebbis?
Voje: Dead. There were Wesley-haters in high places.

Doc: You monster!
Chellick: Sticks and stones. By the way, I'm letting the Allocator boss you around from now on.
Allocator: Ha. Ha. Ha.
Doc: Shut up, you!

Neelix: Here, have some food.
Gar: Excellent! Mmmm...AAAAAAAAUGH!
Tuvok: We all had that reaction at first. You'll get used to it.

Doc: Quick, sneak me out of here!
Voje: Can I do that? Oh, what the heck.

Chellick: Hey Doc--GAAAACK!
Doc: Here, have some poison. It's on the house.

Chellick: What is the meaning of this?
Doc: Oh, just to demonstrate that you suck.
Chellick: Somebody object to that!
Dysek: Not me. I hear the Allocator's screwing me over.
Voje: Me neither -- you're too fat.
Chellick: Ohhh...this won't end well.

Torres: Doc's there all right, but I conveniently can't beam him out.
Janeway: There must be a climax in progress. You and Chakotay go make a house call.

Chellick: Okay, fine, you win.
Doc: Woo-hoo! Climax is over, guys. You can rescue me now.

Doc: Seven, would you mind checking whether I suck?
Seven: Not according to the computer.
Doc: Well, I do. So there.
Seven: Hey, no argument here.
(Voyager heads off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.