Course: OblivionBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:37 PM GMT
See Also: 'Course: Oblivion' Episode Guide
Janeway: Wedding time! Do you, B'Elanna "Turtlehead" Torres, swear to die as soon as possible and inspire pathos?
Torres: I do.
Janeway: And do you, Tom "Father of my lizard children" Paris, swear to get all angsty and bitter when said death occurs?
Paris: I do.
Janeway: I now pronounce you incorrectly. You may kiss the bride, Toom.
Chakotay: That does it...next time, I perform the ceremony.
Seven: Weddings are irrelevant and futile and all the usual adjectives.
Tuvok: This one's not.
Seven: How do you figure?
Tuvok: It'll make up for leaving out the real one in "Drive."
Chakotay: With our new warp drive, we'll be home in a mere two years!
Janeway: You suck. I think we should take time to smell the roses.
Chakotay: Ah, but once you've smelled one rose, you've smelled them all. A rose is a rose is a--
Janeway: Don't even say it.
Neelix: What's so great about Earth?
Paris: It's just familiar and comfortable. Like family; you understand.
Neelix: Not really. I was cloned.
Paris: Did you just spoil the plot for the sake of a lame DS9 reference? Neelix, Neelix, Neelix....
Seven: Marriage is stupid.
Torres: Oh, you prefer the single life?
Seven: No, the polygamous life. Why settle for one husband when I can have nineteen?
Torres: Engineering seems to be melting.
Janeway: And New Orleans is sinking, but I don't wanna swim.
Torres: You're insane.
Torres: YEAAAAAGGH! Why can't it ever be Tom who gets the flesh-eating virus?
Tuvok: And now to explain why the hull and crew are going wonky. (ahem)
Tuvok: That was it. I said it really fast under my breath and you missed it.
Janeway: You have no idea, do you?
Torres: Don't worry, I'm not going to die. GAK!
Paris: So much for the marriage. Wonder if Nicoletti's free tonight?
Chakotay: Let's reminisce about past missions. Hey, remember "Demon"?
Tuvok: No, I successfully repressed the memory with a Vulcan mind technique.
Chakotay: Basically, we all got cloned.
Tuvok: Hey -- do you think maybe we're the duplicates?
Chakotay: I sure hope not. That would invite "send in the clones" jokes.
Tuvok: We're the clones.
Doc: Sure, and I'm the walrus.
Janeway: And I'm the Highlander.
Torres: No, I'm the Highlander! There can be only one!
Janeway: You're dead. Shut up.
Janeway: Janeway to all hands: turns out we're all fictional.
Neelix: Let's hear it for double entendre.
Paris: Ha! I ain't obeyin' no clone! We might as well put a blow-up doll of Janeway in command.
Kim: I have one of Seven...would that work?
Doc: We should look for the real Voyager.
Janeway: Oh, come on! In what possible way would that help us?
Doc: Well, you never know. Maybe they've discovered a cure for...um...being a rapidly-melting clone.
Janeway: A Class-Y planet! Let's land.
Alien: (over the comm) Hey! Stop that! Stop that right now!
Janeway: But we'll die if we don't land!
Alien: No dice. If we let you, we'll have to let everybody else.
Chakotay: Will you reverse course if I give you a quiet, heartfelt speech?
Chakotay: How 'bout if I die?
Janeway: Chakotay is dead. To honour his memory, I'll tell you an ancient folktale of my people.
Paris: But you're from Indiana.
Janeway: Right. (ahem) So two guys walk into a bar, see....
Kim: Let's make a time capsule so we won't be forgotten.
Seven: And then let's let it malfunction so we will be.
Janeway: Have you two ever considered a writing career?
Seven: Uh oh -- interstellar dust!
Janeway: Anybody got an interstellar duster? GAK!
Kim: She's dead!
Seven: Let that be a lesson to us...never anger the Pun Gods.
Kim: It's the real Voyager! Quick, take us out of warp!
Seven: Uh oh...the brakes are jammed!
Kim: Then take the key out of the ignition!
Seven: Okay, here g--
Clone Voyager: FOOM
Real Tuvok: I'm detecting the wreckage of the clone Voyager, but I can't tell that's what it is.
Real Janeway: That's probably very tragic.
(The real Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.