Body and SoulBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:54 PM GMT
See Also: 'Body and Soul' Episode Guide
Doc: Isn't the miracle of life cool, Seven?
Doc: AAGH! I'm being fried! Um, got room for two in there?
Seven: Doctor, this is neither the time nor the place!
Kim: This is Ensign Kim to the alien vessels. Quit firing at us!
Lokirrim: They put Harry in charge? Oo, this is gonna be easy!
Doc/Seven: Hi, evil aliens. In case you're wondering, I most definitely am not concealing a hologram in my brain.
Ranek: Fine. But you're hot, so I'm going to capture you anyway.
Kim: Doc? That's you?
Doc/Seven: Yes indeed, and boy do you stink!
Kim: ARRGH! What is this, Make-Fun-of-Ensign-Kim Day?
Doc/Seven: Harry, Harry, Harry. Every day is Make-Fun-of-Ensign-Kim Day.
Paris: You've got the Pon Farr. Admit it.
Tuvok: Okay, but this better not turn into a subplot.
Doc/Seven: Mmm, food! I love food! Give me your food!
Kim: This would annoy me, but I'm distracted by how stupid these aliens look. Hee hee! Their foreheads look like tuning forks! Hee hee!
Doc/Seven: Hic. Now that I'm drunk and high on cheesecake, can I have that little gizmo back?
Ranek: That's a really bad idea...oh, what the heck.
Seven: How dare you mess with my body like that?
Doc: Hey, it's not like you were really using it.
Jaryn: You know, I had a hologram once too. But he turned out to suck.
Doc/Seven: Hey, I take offense at that! Uh -- I mean I would take offense at that. If I were a hologram. Which I'm not. Of course. Yes. Can I ogle you now?
Paris: You know, if I were you, I'd get it on with a hologram.
Tuvok: That's your answer to everything!
Paris: Yeah, but I think it'll actually work this time.
T'Pel: As it was in the dawn of our days, blah, blah, blah. Let's rock the casbah!
Lokirrim: We think you're carrying holograms. Surrender and prepare to be inspected.
Janeway: Inspections? Are you ripping off "Counterpoint"?
Lokirrim: Whoops! Hadn't thought of that. We'll just escort you instead.
Doc/Seven: Wow, what a beautiful anomaly!
Ranek: Whatever. Gimme some sugar, baby!
Doc/Seven: GAH! Hands off!
Ranek: You call that sugar? That's Sweet 'N' Low at best.
Doc/Seven: Can you believe that jerk?
Jaryn: Oh yeah. Anyway, let me give you a massage.
Doc/Seven: WOOO! That's good! I mean...um...uh...er...uh...I must go.
Seven: And then he kissed the captain!
Kim: Now that's disturbing.
Doc: Oh, shut up! It's still better than you ever do.
Doc/Seven: I've changed my mind. Let's get down to business!
Ranek: No argument he--AAGH!
Doc/Seven: Word of advice: ask what business next time.
Janeway: I bet you're in the Pon Farr.
Neelix: You are, aren't you? Huh? Huh?
Tuvok: Ugh...I need a distraction....
Janeway: Make it good -- we are not falling for "Hey, look over there!" again.
Seven/Doc: Quick, come save me! By the way, I'm actually the Doctor.
Chakotay: Are you sure? I thought the Doctor didn't have--
Janeway: Shut up! Who told you you could speak?
Ranek: Seven knocked me out! Somebody bring her to the bridge.
Jaryn: Isn't that strategically unsound?
Ranek: You wanna tell the writers that?
Lokirrim: Uh oh, it's the cavalry!
Janeway: (over the comm) We are Voyager. Lower your shields and surrender your hostages. Resistance is futile.
Ranek: Geez, is everybody gonna do the reversal of roles thing today? Next thing you know, I'll get injured and need some hologram's help to survive. OW!
Jaryn: You've really got to stop tempting fate, Ranek.
Doc: Here, I'll save his life.
Jaryn: Hey, what the--Seven, you're a hologram!
Doc: Do you really care?
Jaryn: Hmm...good point.
Doc: Well, I've saved your life.
Ranek: I guess I should be grateful. Too bad I'm not.
Jaryn: Well, that was all pretty peculiar. See ya, Doc.
Doc: Can we do that massage thing again? Pleeeease?
Paris: Are you over the Pon Farr now, Tuvok?
Tuvok: Are you kidding? The Pon Farr is a horrible, grueling time of biological turmoil! It can't just be dismissed with a--
Paris: Um, Tuvok....five minutes to the end of the episode. Let's try that again. Are you over the Pon Farr now, Tuvok?
Tuvok: Yes. Yes, I am.
Doc: You know, not being able to eat really bites.
Seven: No, that pun does. Now shut up and watch me eat all this delicious food right in front of your face. BWAHAHAHA!
Doc: Cool, that'll be fun.
Seven: It will? Dang.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.