Basics, Part TwoBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:55 PM GMT
See Also: 'Basics, Part Two' Episode Guide
Hogan: You know, maybe it's not so bad being on this planet after all. We've still got each other, right? As long as this crew stands together, there's hope. Each of us can help the others and--
Neelix: Hogan, give it up. You're about to be killed and there's nothing you can do about it.
Hogan: But did you hear how eloquent I was? You can't make speeches like that!
Neelix: You're just dragging out your misery, kid.
Hogan: I know, I know.
Paris's Log: There's still hope if I can make it to the land of the fuzzy warthog people.
Computer: You'll fail and we'll both die. Loooooser!
My copilot, however, is a real downer.
Neelix: Hogan's been killed!
Janeway: Hey, sweet. Now we have a uniform to carry stuff in.
Chakotay: Don't you miss him at all? He was a valued crew member...even had lines sometimes.
Janeway: Exactly. Each line spoken by others is one less line spoken by me. Which reminds me, you've been awfully talkative lately....
Doc: Bad news, baby. This baby isn't Chakotay's.
Seska: $#@*%! It must be Culluh's!
Doc: The computer's checking that with a DNA test. Ah, here we go. The baby's parents are...Mulder and Scully? What the--? Computer!
Computer: Can I help it if I'm a 'shipper?
Janeway: How's Naomi?
Wildman: Unhealthy and vulnerable.
Janeway: Tell her to hang in there. One of these days I may need a Captain's Assistant.
Wildman: Isn't the official term Captain's Yeoman?
Janeway: Nobody knows that word anymore.
Chakotay: Give me your hair and I'll start a fire.
Janeway: So many lewd interpretations, so little time.
Kes: I wanna get captured.
Neelix: Look, we've discussed this. I'm not comfortable with a relationship involving S&M.
Kes: No, by the cavemen.
Neelix: Don't change the subject to exclusivity.
Paris: We have to go retake Voyager right away!
Talaxian: (over the comm) What's in it for us?
Paris: The respect of your fellow fuzzy warthog people.
Talaxian: I wish you'd stop calling us that.
Doc: We need a plan to get rid of these Kazon.
Suder: Can we pick a plan where I don't kill anybody?
Doc: Okay, but it'll have to involve my opera singing.
Suder: I can't inflict that on even the Kazon....
Doc: Then lace up your killin' shoes, kiddo.
Chakotay: You've kidnapped our people and we'd like them back. Neelix doesn't have to be alive, though.
Cavemen: Oog! OOG!
Chakotay: Again with the "oog" thing. Can't we try avoiding clichés?
Tuvok: Not likely, wood-boy.
Janeway: We need to save the others. Let's fight these cavemen.
Torres: But...but peace is the Starfleet way!
Janeway: I don't recall changing my name to Starfleetway.
Chakotay: We should be safe in this cave....
Tuvok: Oh no, it's a monster!
Monster: Relax, I work for Janeway. She was afraid the blueshirt might start getting lines.
Paris: (over the comm) Hang in there, Doc! I'm coming to save you!
Doc: 150 crew members, and I have to get saved by you?
Culluh: I love all the gadgets on this ship. Watch this -- I can turn the ceiling fan on and off.
Seska: Maj, someone on board is using Maquis sabotage tricks!
Culluh: Fan goes on, fan goes off. Fan goes on, fan goes off.
Tuvok: We must resume fighting the cavemen at once.
Chakotay: No! Peace is the Starfleet way!
Janeway: Do I have to explain it again?
Seska: You betrayed us, EMH!
Doc: Naturally -- mutiny is my middle name. See how that works? Because the middle letter of "EMH" is M, see?
Seska: I got it, I got it.
Suder: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Kazon: Same to you, punk. GAK!
Computer: Aw man, everybody in here is dead! Who do I talk to about MSR now?
Seska: The Talaxians are attacki--GAK!
Culluh: Geez, are all the named characters gonna get killed off? Better escape while I can....
Paris: Woohoo! Captain Proton saves the day again!
Fuzzy Warthog Person: Quick, let's secure the bri--hey! It's "Talaxian," dammit!
Chakotay: Kathryn...there's something I've always wanted to tell you....
Janeway: Oh look, the ship's back.
Janeway: Hey, weren't you going to tell me something?
Chakotay: I don't think so.
Doc: I'm afraid Suder was killed.
Tuvok: Guess I should say something Vulcan-like. (ahem) "Live long and prosper."
Doc: I don't think you heard me. He's dead.
Tuvok: If you can't find it in your heart to wish him a long life, keep your mouth shut.
Doc: I'm afraid Seska was killed.
Chakotay: "Afraid"? Who cares?
Janeway: Ready to get going again, wood-boy?
Chakotay: So many lewd interpretations, so little time.
Computer: You know who you two remind me of? Mulder and Scu--
Janeway and Chakotay: Shut up.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.