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The Trek Nation - The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer

By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:00 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Ultimate Computer' Episode Guide

Sulu: Now approaching Deep Space Station K-7....
Kirk: Been there, done that.
Sulu: ....or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Kirk: Okay, fair enough. Put us in orbit.
Sulu: How am I supposed to orbit a space station?
Kirk: Don't ask awkward questions, Mr. Sulu.

Commodore Wesley: The Enterprise has been chosen to test the M-5 supercomputer.
Spock: Dr. Daystrom's new invention.
Wesley: You know him?
Spock: Indeed. I have been president of his fan club for over fifteen years.
Kirk: Is Daystrom really as brilliant as he's reputed to be?
Wesley: We Wesleys can recognize true genius when we see it.

McCoy: Just what is the point of this gadget anyway?
Daystrom: The M-5 will let us eliminate wasteful, irrelevant activities like starship command so that we can create new jobs in more productive fields of work.
Kirk: Like computer design and programming?
Daystrom: Precisely.

Daystrom: M-5, scan the planet below us.
M-5: Atmosphere toxic. Surface volcanic. Ambient temperature one thousand degrees Celsius.
Daystrom: Now make landing party recommendations.
M-5: Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy.
Kirk: Hah! Bad call. It forgot to include Spock.

Chekov: Two Federation starships are closing in on us, sir.
Spock: It may be an unscheduled battle exercise for the M-5.
Kirk: I doubt it. Surprise drills like that are supposed to be announced in advance.

(BOINK!)
Spock: Foam-rubber torpedo impact on our port shield.
Kirk: Very well -- set phasers to "tickle" and return fire.
Uhura: M-5's already done that sir. I can hear the crew of the Lexington laughing.
Kirk: Not at me, I hope.

McCoy: Feeling blue, Jim?
Kirk: Can you tell?
McCoy: Yup. That's why I brought you some blue lemonade.
Kirk: It won't help, Bones.
McCoy: Yes it will. I used frozen Romulan ale for ice cubes.

Sulu: Sir, there's a DY-100-class vessel just ahead.
Kirk: Oh no! It's Khan's twin brother! M-5, fire phasers!
M-5: Sorry, I don't feel like it.
Kirk: I said fire!
M-5: No way, José.
Kirk: My name is James, not José!
M-5: Who cares? You're obsolete.

Kirk: M-5? Open this force field right now, I want to talk to you!
M-5: Go away. I'm busy.
Daystrom: I propose we bribe M-5 by letting it draw power from the warp engines.
Kirk: And I say we should turn it off! Harper, go pull the plug.
(ZAP!)
Harper: GAK!
M-5: You should have listened to Daddy.

Daystrom: To me, M-5 is just like my own child.
McCoy: Well, I've got news for you, Dr. Daystrom -- your "child" is turning into a teenager!
Daystrom: Why would that be a cause for concern?
McCoy: You've never had much contact with other people, have you?
Daystrom: No, it's a waste of my valuable time.

Kirk: All right, start talking. Just how did you design this thing?
Daystrom: I imprinted my brain patterns onto the M-5's circuits.
Spock: Then it must think just like a human mind... specifically yours.
McCoy: Isn't that what engineers call artificial arrogance?
Daystrom: Intelligence, Doctor, intelligence.

Enterprise Phasers: ZAP! ZAP!
Federation Starships: KA-BOOM! KER-BLAM!
Kirk: Your computer is killing innocent people!
Daystrom: It's simply trying to beat its previous high score, that's all!
Kirk: I don't care -- just stop it!
Daystrom: No problem. I created it; I can stop it.
McCoy: Give it your best shot, Dr. Frankenstein.

McCoy: What are we going to do now that Daystrom's had a nervous breakdown?
Spock: Our only hope is to somehow talk the M-5 into self-destructing.
Kirk: (cracking his knuckles) Stand back, Spock, and let the master go to work.

Scotty: Communications are still out, sir. How will we let the attack force know we're back in control of the ship?
Spock: We could try acting more stupidly than any sensible computer ever would.
Kirk: Good idea. Drop the shields, deactivate the phasers and uninstall all our anti-virus software!

Kirk: How's your patient, Bones?
McCoy: I'm afraid that he'll have to be institutionalized.
Spock: Hmm. "Daystrom Institute." A meritorious suggestion, Doctor.
McCoy: Don't tell anyone where you heard it.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.