The Ultimate ComputerBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:00 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Ultimate Computer' Episode Guide
Sulu: Now approaching Deep Space Station K-7....
Kirk: Been there, done that.
Sulu: ....or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Kirk: Okay, fair enough. Put us in orbit.
Sulu: How am I supposed to orbit a space station?
Kirk: Don't ask awkward questions, Mr. Sulu.
Commodore Wesley: The Enterprise has been chosen to test the M-5 supercomputer.
Spock: Dr. Daystrom's new invention.
Wesley: You know him?
Spock: Indeed. I have been president of his fan club for over fifteen years.
Kirk: Is Daystrom really as brilliant as he's reputed to be?
Wesley: We Wesleys can recognize true genius when we see it.
McCoy: Just what is the point of this gadget anyway?
Daystrom: The M-5 will let us eliminate wasteful, irrelevant activities like starship command so that we can create new jobs in more productive fields of work.
Kirk: Like computer design and programming?
Daystrom: M-5, scan the planet below us.
M-5: Atmosphere toxic. Surface volcanic. Ambient temperature one thousand degrees Celsius.
Daystrom: Now make landing party recommendations.
M-5: Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy.
Kirk: Hah! Bad call. It forgot to include Spock.
Chekov: Two Federation starships are closing in on us, sir.
Spock: It may be an unscheduled battle exercise for the M-5.
Kirk: I doubt it. Surprise drills like that are supposed to be announced in advance.
Spock: Foam-rubber torpedo impact on our port shield.
Kirk: Very well -- set phasers to "tickle" and return fire.
Uhura: M-5's already done that sir. I can hear the crew of the Lexington laughing.
Kirk: Not at me, I hope.
McCoy: Feeling blue, Jim?
Kirk: Can you tell?
McCoy: Yup. That's why I brought you some blue lemonade.
Kirk: It won't help, Bones.
McCoy: Yes it will. I used frozen Romulan ale for ice cubes.
Sulu: Sir, there's a DY-100-class vessel just ahead.
Kirk: Oh no! It's Khan's twin brother! M-5, fire phasers!
M-5: Sorry, I don't feel like it.
Kirk: I said fire!
M-5: No way, José.
Kirk: My name is James, not José!
M-5: Who cares? You're obsolete.
Kirk: M-5? Open this force field right now, I want to talk to you!
M-5: Go away. I'm busy.
Daystrom: I propose we bribe M-5 by letting it draw power from the warp engines.
Kirk: And I say we should turn it off! Harper, go pull the plug.
M-5: You should have listened to Daddy.
Daystrom: To me, M-5 is just like my own child.
McCoy: Well, I've got news for you, Dr. Daystrom -- your "child" is turning into a teenager!
Daystrom: Why would that be a cause for concern?
McCoy: You've never had much contact with other people, have you?
Daystrom: No, it's a waste of my valuable time.
Kirk: All right, start talking. Just how did you design this thing?
Daystrom: I imprinted my brain patterns onto the M-5's circuits.
Spock: Then it must think just like a human mind... specifically yours.
McCoy: Isn't that what engineers call artificial arrogance?
Daystrom: Intelligence, Doctor, intelligence.
Enterprise Phasers: ZAP! ZAP!
Federation Starships: KA-BOOM! KER-BLAM!
Kirk: Your computer is killing innocent people!
Daystrom: It's simply trying to beat its previous high score, that's all!
Kirk: I don't care -- just stop it!
Daystrom: No problem. I created it; I can stop it.
McCoy: Give it your best shot, Dr. Frankenstein.
McCoy: What are we going to do now that Daystrom's had a nervous breakdown?
Spock: Our only hope is to somehow talk the M-5 into self-destructing.
Kirk: (cracking his knuckles) Stand back, Spock, and let the master go to work.
Scotty: Communications are still out, sir. How will we let the attack force know we're back in control of the ship?
Spock: We could try acting more stupidly than any sensible computer ever would.
Kirk: Good idea. Drop the shields, deactivate the phasers and uninstall all our anti-virus software!
Kirk: How's your patient, Bones?
McCoy: I'm afraid that he'll have to be institutionalized.
Spock: Hmm. "Daystrom Institute." A meritorious suggestion, Doctor.
McCoy: Don't tell anyone where you heard it.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.