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The Trek Nation - The Trouble With Tribbles

The Trouble With Tribbles

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:57 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Trouble With Tribbles' Episode Guide

Kirk: Let's kick things off with a bit of exposition, shall we?
Spock: No need sir; this is a classic, everyone knows the important stuff.
Kirk: Right...what about Klingons? We won't see any of them will we?
Spock: You mean you haven't seen this particular classic? Wow....
Kirk: Come on! This parody was self-referential enough without you having already seen the episode!
Spock: Point.

Captain's Log: Having received an emergency call from Space Station K-7, we're arming all weapons and hoping for attacking Klingons, or at least some drunk ones.

Chekov: What, nobody's there?
Lurry: (over the comm) Um...er...no distress, my mistake. Care to beam over?
Kirk: No! We're leaving right this instant!
Spock: Wait, that's not how this episode goes....
Kirk: Sigh...Mr. Spock, stop spoiling this for us and let me make my own decisions! Now...would you care to meet me in the transporter room?

Lurry: Hi, this is my puppet-master and big-wig Federation guy, Nilz Baris.
Baris: Hi, this is my puppet-master and Klingon secret agent (but shh, don't say anything yet), Arne Darvin.
Darvin: Hi, er...sorry, there's nobody left for me to introduce.
Kirk: I see, I see...well I'll introduce my blatant disrespect for all of you, and then Spock can introduce parties to come over for shore leave. Howzat?
Baris: Unacceptable.
Kirk: Excellent.

Spock: So, they plan to develop this Sherman's planet with quadrotriticale crops....
Kirk: You know Spock, you really could stand to learn the art of small talk.
Spock: What, on my quest to become more human? Ha!

Uhura: Ooh, what's that?
Cyrano Jones: Why, a tribble of course! Wasn't the title obvious?
Bartender: The title also refers to a certain "trouble" with your tribbles.
Jones: Huh? No, no that's just a...er...joke. Here, I'll sell you some for half price.
Bartender: I don't know....
Jones: Okay, a third.
Bartender: Not so fast, buddy! You offered me half and I'm not going any lower!

Fitzpatrick: As a spiffy Admiral with a funny name, I hereby order you to follow Nilz's orders.
Kirk: Great, I better get something good for all this....
Uhura: (over the comm) Captain, Klingon ship approaching!
Kirk: Hooray! Are they drunk?
Uhura: Unable to determine at this point, but might I remind you that they are Klingons.
Kirk: Excellent.

Kirk: Mr. Lurry, need to be saved from Klingons this time?
Lurry: (on screen) Um...er...no distress. Care to beam over?
Kirk: Jeez, what a loser...why would I do that?
Koloth: (on screen, next to Lurry) I can't think of a reason.
Kirk: Aw, you sound sober....
Lurry: (ahem)
Kirk: Very well.

Koloth: We're just here for shore leave, Captain. We'll be no trouble at all.
Kirk: You're going to stay sober and let your crew get drunk? As a Klingon? Jeez, you're an even bigger loser than Lurry!
Lurry: (snicker)
Kirk: Nobody asked you. Now then, for every Klingon you bring aboard, I'll have a security officer wearing a hat that says "Koloth is a loser."
Koloth: (muttering)...The lengths I go to to get my crew drunk....
Kirk: (muttering to Spock) ...The lengths I go to to get drunk Klingons....

Kirk: What's all this?
Spock: It appears that Uhura's tribble had baby tribblai.
Kirk: Plural of "tribble" is "tribbles," Spock. At least, according to the title.
Spock: Funny; the version of this episode I saw was called "The Trouble with Tribblai."
Kirk: Oh man, that's rich....
Spock: What?
Kirk: You must've gotten a bootleg script with some tentative title! Ha! That's how you saw this episode so early....
Spock: Not so...now if you need me, I'll be in my quarters deleting the evidence from my hard drive.

Baris: (over comm) Kirk, this station is swarming with tribbles!
Kirk: I was unaware that 1,771,561 tribbles constituted a swarm.
Baris: You're right -- it constitutes a small continent!
Kirk: Your complaint has been noted. Kirk out.
Baris: (muttering) This is not how this conversation was supposed to go.

Kirk: All right crew, go out, get drunk, and beat up all the Klingons you can.
Scotty: Are you sure that's a good idea? Why don't we just try to avoid conflict?
Kirk: Hmm...sounds risky. Tell you what, you go down and supervise and I'll let you give it a shot.
Scotty: I don't know...I'm not a huge fan of drunken shore leaves....
Kirk: HA! Good one...see you in a little while.
Scotty: But--
Kirk: Energize.

Klingon: Kirk is a loser.
Scotty: I do believe our hats say otherwise.
Klingon: (reading) "Koloth is a loser."
Scotty: Yep, and don't you forget it.
Klingon: Why I oughta--
Scotty: Easy laddie, we're trying to avoid conflict.
Klingon: The Enterprise sucks.
Scotty: Fair enough -- Thwap!
Jones: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Bartender: Stop that!

Captain's Log: Because of the fight, I've cancelled shore leave for both ships. Not because I'm mad that they fought, but because I'm bitter over having missed it.

Kirk: I want to know who threw the first punch!
Silence:
Kirk: Very well, you're all sent to bed without supper -- Scotty, wait.
Scotty: All right....
Kirk: Who threw the first punch, Mr. Scott?
Scotty: Me, sir.
Kirk: If you weren't already drunk, and being sent to bed without supper, I'd buy you a drink!

Kirk: Bones, explanation.
McCoy: I figure they're born pregnant. And bisexual, reproducing at will.
Kirk: I'm not sure I would've phrased it that way, but you certainly did create a disturbing tribble mental image.

Baris: I believe that Cyrano Jones is a Klingon agent!
Spock: I disagree. Jones is just an idiot.
Kirk: I agree.
Baris: While I don't disagree that he is an idiot, I do disagree with you in general.
Kirk: I agree that we disagree, but I feel that you will disagree with my opinion that you too are just an idiot.
Baris: I do disagree. But I hope that we can all agree that my sidekick here is doing an excellent job in researching Jones' past.
Darvin: I agree, anyway.
Spock: I must disagree, thus disagreeing with your assertion that we can all agree.
Kirk: I concur.
Spock: Aw, we were SO on a roll....

Kirk: Computer; chicken salad.
Computer: One tribble salad coming up.
Kirk: No, no. Hmm...how about prime rib?
Computer: One prime tribble coming up.
Kirk: Arg! What's wrong with this thing?
Scotty: They're into the machinery, through air vents just like those on the station, specifically the grain storage bins.
Kirk: Very interesting.
Spock: Shouldn't we do something?
Kirk: Only if we want to keep our jobs. Oh wait, I suppose you do have a point....

Kirk: Guard, open that door.
Guard: Can't, it only opens to your retina scan.
Kirk: That's odd, I wonder why that'd be....
Tribbles: Banzai!
Spock: Captain, these tribbles appear to be gorged....
Baris: That's terrible!
Spock: ...and dead.....
Kirk: That's worse!
Spock: ...and ticking.
All: AGH!
Spock: Heh heh. Just kidding. Well, on the third one anyway.

Koloth: I demand an apology! Your hats are libel!
Baris: I demand an apology! Your guards are a joke!
Darvin: I demand--
Tribbles: Eep!
Darvin: --a raktajino.
Kirk: Koloth, get lost. Baris, get a life. Darvin, get exiled to Cardassia. And Cyrano....
Jones: Yes?
Kirk: Get busy. You'll need a miracle, or at least a glommer, to clean up this mess.

Kirk: Would a bridge free of tribbles be tribble-less or tribbless?
Scotty: Uh....
Kirk: Never mind, how'd you do it?
Scotty: I beamed them to the Klingon ship, sir.
Kirk: You what?
Scotty: Sir?
Kirk: Next time, you have to remember to beam them over with little hats on too!
Scotty: Aye -- assuming there is a next time.
Spock: Hahahaha!
Scotty: What?
Spock: Sorry, I guess you wouldn't have seen that one yet.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.