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The Trek Nation - The Savage Curtain

The Savage Curtain

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:03 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Savage Curtain' Episode Guide

Spock: Look, life forms!
Kirk: But the planet is 100% molten lava!
Spock: Yes, and scans show that these life forms are naturally allergic to lava.
Kirk: It would seem we'd need an interesting pseudo-explanation for the teaser.
Abraham Lincoln: (on screen) Does this work?
Spock: That doesn't even come close to explaining anything.
Lincoln: Uh, the planet's atmosphere is 10% Claritin?
Spock: Better.

Lincoln: You know, it's pretty chilly here in the cold vacuum of space and all.
Kirk: I'd be a little more concerned if you weren't so... dead.
Lincoln: Hey, this isn't Weekend at Bernie's. Just beam me aboard Air Force One.
Spock: There is no ship with said name in the area.
Kirk: No, but there will be once he's aboard! Kirk to Scotty, energize!

Scotty: Dress uniforms? Bleh.
Kirk: Didn't I say "energize" last scene?
Scotty: Oh, right. Beaming aboard one rock. Er, I mean one human.
Lincoln: Howdy.
Kirk: A rock?
Scotty: The reading said he was a rock at first.
Lincoln: I am a human being, and you can trust me because I'm Honest Abe. Honest!
Kirk: Impeccable logic, wouldn't you say so Spock?
Spock: Taking your question literally... yes.

Lincoln: What an amazing vessel. Almost as amazing as Excalbia.
Kirk: Exbocksega?
Lincoln: No, no, Excalbia. It's the planet below. There's a Vulcan down there, and a Klingon, and--
Spock: How do you know all that?
Lincoln: I don't know! Honest!
Kirk: Fair enough.

Kirk: This being a briefing, let's keep it brief. Dismissed.
Scotty: But we have to argue about why the hell there's a presidentially delusional alien aboard!
Kirk: Nothing strange enough to warrant us not beaming down.
Spock: But the planet's pure lava! Being Vulcan, I should beam down as well. It's only logical.
Kirk: No, it's only mytho-logical. But we'll let it slide this time.

Spock: See? My Vulcan powers have provided an Earth-like environment.
Kirk: Yes. Now to figure out why our weapons were left behind. Are you a perverted Ferengi transporter chief, Mr. Lincoln?
Lincoln: No, honest!
Surak: Greetings Spock. (ahem) Live long, or at least longer than I will.
Spock: Woo hoo, a celebrity! Er... it is logical to admire your accomplishments.

Yarnek: Behold! Welcome to my Cage of Death!
Kirk: "The Cage"? It's been done.
Yarnek: "Arena of Death"?
Spock: Done.
Yarnek: "Man Trap of Death"?
Kirk: No dice.
Yarnek: Aw, is everything taken but "Savage Curtain of Death"?
Spock: Looking at the title I'd say that's a safe assumption.
Yarnek: Then let's meet our contestants! Genghis Khan--
Kirk: Khhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!
Yarnek: --enjoys picnics on the countryside. Colonel Green, a leader of the Eugenics wars--
Kirk: Khhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!
Yarnek: --is an avid reader of Aldous Huxley. Genocidal alien Zora--
(pause)
Yarnek: --is a big fan of "Step by Step", and Kahless is just as Klingon as every other one. Any questions?
Kirk: (jumping up and down) Can I be team captain? I choose Kahless.
Yarnek: No! This is good versus evil! Let the wild rumpus begin!

Green: Okay, time for a short scene. Let's join forces. Oops, gullible is written on the ceiling, we're attacking. Oops, there is no ceiling, and we suck. Retreat! Retreat!
Kirk: Spock! Surak! cover your ears, or suffer from illogic-imposed head implosion!

Yarnek: Jeez, that's it? You guys need a cause to fight for.
Enterprise: KA-BOOM!
Kirk and Spock: Ahh!
That Movie Preview Voice: ...Coming soon to a "Savage Curtain" near you.
Kirk and Spock: Uh oh.

Surak: Logic dictates that I go propose peace.
Kirk: How is reducing our number to three people logical?
Surak: Theo-logically, good always wins.
Kirk: Okay, we'll let it slide.

(Five minutes later)

Surak the Unforgettable: Aaaaaagggh! Help me Spock!
Kirk: We've gotta do something!
Spock: It isn't logical, Vulcans don't cry out like that....
Kirk: So?
Spock: ...nor do they call themselves "the unforgettable."
Kirk: Sounds like a bad Chakotay romance. MUST KILL!
Spock: Jim Kirk, a C/7er? Whoda thunkit?

Lincoln: Surak? Surraaaaaaak? Hey, Pointy! It's me, honest!
Kahless: (talking like Surak) Fooled you! I can't believe you fell for that! What's with you man?
Lincoln: A tasteless death scene?
Green: Right, on to that matter....

Genghis: Punch, pow!
Spock: Kick! (You know your last name would be much more flattering, albeit more confusing.)
Lincoln: Stay-- GAK!
Kirk: Stay back! Stay back!
Zora: What are you standing around for? Don't you know a brawl when you see one?

Green: GAK!
Zora and Genghis: Run away!
Yarnek: To the surprise of everyone, you won. I don't see how though, you're just as dumb as they are.
Spock: Being a Vulcan, I am a master of this lava-based environment. It is only logical.
Yarnek: Eco-logical. I rest my case.
Kirk: (muttering) I would've let it slide....
Yarnek: Well you don't have molten lava-induced heartburn, I'm grumpy for a reason.

Spock: It appears the creatures of the planet could manipulate matter at will, and built the characters out of our own expectations of them.
Kirk: Interesting... and if I expect to see an Orion slave girl on my lap right now?
(POOF)
Tinky Winky: Gagahehe-zeeday!
Spock: ...then you get smitten by parody.
(The Enterprise slides off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.