The Menagerie, Part OneBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:33 PM GMT
Mendez: Welcome to Starbase 11. Let me know you're coming next time and I'll bake some butter tarts.
Kirk: What? You ordered us here!
Mendez: Nice try, but you're not getting any tarts.
Kirk: But Captain Pike told us to --
Mendez: Oh, you haven't heard?
Kirk: Heard what?
Mendez: Pike had a little accident. He was climbing El Capitan and some jerk startled him.
Spock: It was supposed to be a harmless practical joke! I'm sure I'll get it right next time....
Mendez: There's Pike. We're running a little poll on who he looks more like, Christopher Reeve or Stephen Hawking.
Kirk: Um, Reeve. Can he talk?
Mendez: Sorta... he has lights for Yes and No.
Kirk: What good is more than one light if they all mean "yes and no"? And why can't we give him something better? Our technology is much more advanced than this.
Mendez: Yeah, but the station's budget is completely gone. On an unrelated topic, did you know Starfleet won't reimburse you for magic beans?
Spock: Hey there. How's life?
Spock: Yeah, me too. I hope you don't mind if I sneak into the computer room, issue false orders, kidnap you, and deliver you to that planet where they tortured you.
Spock: I knew you wouldn't.
Kirk: Look, somebody screwed up, and it was probably you.
Mendez: How do you know Spock isn't lying about the message?
Kirk: Are you kidding? Spock never lies. For example, I asked him what he thought of my new hit single, and he said it was a rousing anthem for our time.
Mendez: Is that the one that goes "I want your alien lovin' baby, yeah yeah yeah, woo woo?"
Kirk: Yep. Thirty times.
Spock: Spock to Enterprise. Please execute the bogus orders I'm sending.
Hanson: (over the comm) I'll need confirmation from the captain.
Spock: Kirk... here. Please execute... the... ordersimmediately... crewman.
Hanson: Aye, sir.
Kirk: I don't get it. He just keeps beeping No at me.
McCoy: Maybe he'd stop if you stopped asking him to play shuffleboard with you.
Kirk: I doubt it. By the way, Spock says to beam up "right now, immediately, without ordering a mint julep first."
McCoy: That green-blooded Vulcan knows me too well.
Mendez: Ever heard of Talos IV?
Kirk: Yeah, that was The Revenge. It was followed by Talos V: The Blood-Smiting.
Mendez: I meant the planet.
Kirk: That was Talos VIII, one of the less popular sequels.
Medic: (over the comm) AAAAA! Somebody just beamed up Captain Pike!
Mendez: Grrrrr... this wouldn't have anything to do with the Enterprise having just left, would it, Jim?
Kirk: I don't see how.
Spock: New orders, everybody. We're going to go to Talos IV.
Sulu: Aye, sir. Setting course for the nearest drive-in.
McCoy: Spock! What are you doing, you green-blooded Vulcan?
Spock: Just following Jim's orders. He told me himself: "Go... to... TalosFourNOW, Mr... Spock."
McCoy: Well, it sounds authentic, but still....
Kirk: We have to pursue the Enterprise. Don't I sound smart when I say "pursue" instead of "chase"?
Mendez: I should warn you that all our shuttles are running on empty.
Kirk: What? How did that happen?
Mendez: We didn't have the money for more, and we used up what we had in the big indoor shuttle race last week.
Kirk: Boy, the fun never stops at Starbase 11.
Hanson: There's a shuttle following us, sir. Looks like it's almost out of fuel.
Spock: We're not turning around.
Hanson: I'm pretty sure the captain's aboard.
Spock: Still not turning.
Hanson: He's probably passing the time by writing a new single.
Spock: Oh, fine, we'll go pick him up. Safety of the galaxy and all.
Mendez: Thanks for the rescue, but now we want answers.
Kirk: Right. First of all, what rhymes with "veneer"?
Mendez: NO! Spock, don't tell him! It's the last thing he needs to finish his new single!
Spock: Quiet, you two, or you'll miss the dramatic moment. I hereby arrest myself for the crime of grand theft starship and request an immediate courtmartial.
Kirk: Spock... why are you doing this to yourself?
Spock: Masochism, Jim. It's all about masochism.
Kirk: What do you mean, you can't turn the ship around?
Hanson: Spock locked us on course for Talos IV. Which is good because I really want to see that movie.
Sulu: Ehh, it's nothing special. If you want a good film, try Talos VI: This Time It's Personal.
Mendez: Let this formal courtmartial come to order.
Mendez: Ignore him. So, what evidence do we have?
Kirk: Aside from eyewitnesses, physical evidence, and Spock's full confession, none that I can think of.
Mendez: We can't convict this man on such weak grounds! If only we had a video of some sort....
Spock: Talos IV is sending us one now. It's about Pike and the Talosians and the indomitability of the human spirit.
Kirk: Am I in it?
Spock: No, but your single is on the soundtrack.
Kirk: Then let the show begin.
Spock: ENTERING ORBIT OF TALOS IV!
Number One: Thank you, Mr. Spock, but it is unnecessary to shout.
Pike: Oh, give the man a break, Number One. He doesn't have to be bland and unemotional all the time just because you are.
Pike: Hi. You're the crash survivors who sent the distress call, right?
Vena: Looks that way, doesn't it? Thank you for beaming down alone and unarmed to rescue us, as we asked.
Pike: No probl-- HEY! Get that paper bag off my head!
Vena: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose to waive the --
Pike: You don't have to read me my rights to kidnap me.
Vena: I said, you have the right to remain silent!
Spock: They've taken Captain Pike! He's gone! GONE!
Number One: Stop crying. Number One to whoever Scotty's predecessor is: beam down the phaser bazooka.
Whoever Scotty's Predecessor Is: (over the comm) Must you impose your namelessness on me?
Uhura: (over the comm) Message for Commodore Mendez. You're authorized to assume command and execute Captain Kirk.
Kirk: Wait a minute. Who's the message from?
Uhura: Starfleet, as far as you know. Mwahahaha.
Mendez: In my first act as commander of the Enterprise, I decree that we will continue watching these Talos movies.
Kirk: What? That doesn't sound like something the real Mendez would say.
Mendez: "The real Mendez"? As opposed to what? You have a strange mind, Kirk. Good thing it'll be detached shortly.
Kirk: Don't I get to choose the method of execution?
Mendez: Not anymore. People kept choosing "death by snu-snu."
Pike: Where am I?
Talosian: Greetings, human. We have brought you here to determine whether you are worthy to lead this franchise.
Pike: Uh oh. Is there a lot of competition?
Talosian: It's mostly between you and some Canadian.
Pike: Geez, you might as well just wrap it up now.
Phaser Bazooka: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM... okay, I got nothin'.
Number One: Nuts.
Talosian: Behold: now you're on Rigel.
Pike: Not Rygel XVI, I hope.
Talosian: Rigel with an I. You know, green dancers, possibly-holographic butterflies....
Pike: I think you're Reeding too much into the butterflies.
Talosian: That does it. You get a violent alien-fighting scenario next.
Violent Alien: GRAAAAAAAAARGHHR!
Pike: How did the Canadian do on this part?
Talosian: Pretty decent, actually. But he had a hockey stick.
Pike: What do I get?
Talosian: A herring.
Pike: What? How is that Ame--
Talosian: NI! NI! NI NI NI!
Pike: Aaaaa! Stop, I beg you!
Mendez: Wow, this is so exciting. I hope the others in the series are as good.
Spock: I regret to inform you that Talos II was critically panned.
Mendez: Whatever. How far are we from the planet?
Uhura: (over the comm) Two hours, sir.
Kirk: Wait a minute. How did you know he was asking that?
Uhura: A good commander can inspire me to pay close attention.
Kirk: That sounds like a flimsy justification for eavesdropping.
Uhura: No, I'm just dissing you.
Vena: Isn't this picnic nice?
Pike: Stop trying to distract me. I need to use the power of my mighty human brain to escape this captivity and -- hey, is that potato salad? Niiiice.
Vena: As I was saying, why don't you just stay here with me? We can be young and beautiful forever and never have to worry about anything at all.
Pike: Except my masculinity. How can I tell the guys I'm "beautiful"? Yeesh.
Vena: You know what I mean. Besides, I'm sure "the guys" don't care a bit that you're gone.
Enterprise Guy 1: Say, do you care that Pike is gone?
Enterprise Guy 2: Not a bit.
Number One: Stop that, you two! We have to get him back somehow....
Spock: PERHAPS SHOUTING WILL HE--
Number One: For the last time, it won't!
Pike: Enough of this. Computer, end program.
Talosian: Ha ha. Your naiveté is so funny I'm going to come within arm's length to laugh at -- ow! Man, I should have seen that coming....
Pike: Well, you didn't. Now release me from this... cage you've put me in.
Vena: That's not really the best word for it.
Pike: I suppose not. It just came to mind for some reason.
Kirk: I'm bored. Is it almost over?
Spock: Captain Pike is delusional, sir. The movie is, in fact, one scene from completion.
Kirk: Well, let's get on with it. I'm sure the real Mendez here is eager to get me executed.
Mendez: Enough with the "real" thing already!
Pike: At last I'm free!
Enterprise Guy 1: (over the comm) Who cares?
Pike: Quiet, you. Vena, why don't you come back to my ship with me? I'll show you my etchings.
Vena: Sorry, Chris. You see, the Talosians are concealing the fact that I'm really ugly as a result of the crash I --
Pike: You were in a crash?
Vena: Yeah, the fiver kind of glossed over all that. Anyway, I'm staying here.
Talosian: Please keep us in mind if you ever become really ugly.
Talosian: A strange, yet prescient, way of expressing yourself.
Kirk: Okay, I think I followed all that. So why have we come back to Talos?
Spock: Look at Captain Pike, sir.
Kirk: Yeah, what about him?
Spock: Commodore Mendez, I believe it would be appropriate for you to smack Captain Kirk upside the head. I would do so myself, were it in character.
Mendez: I'm afraid I can't. You see, I'm not the real --
Kirk: Oh, for crying out loud! Can't there ever be a single plot twist I do see coming?
Kirk: Quiet, you... wait a minute. Does his Yes light even work?
Kirk: Don't tell me. Budget cuts, right?
Mendez: I wouldn't know. I'm not the --
Kirk: Never mind.
Spock: I'm going to take Pike to the transporter room. You're not still mad, are you?
Kirk: Gee, no. After all, it's not like I'm going to be executed because of all this.
Uhura: (over the comm) Sigh. Hate to say it, Captain, but Starbase 11 just told us going to Talos IV is "okay, just this once."
Kirk: So I'm not going to be executed?
Uhura: Quit rubbing it in.
Kirk: Then I guess we're okay after all, Mr. Spock.
Spock: Indeed. Until the sequel.
Kirk: Which one? I've always wanted to see Talos VII: That's The Roman Numeral For Seven.
Spock: The even-numbered movies are considered to be of superior quality, sir.
Kirk: Yeah, but I had three songs on the soundtrack to that one.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.