The Man TrapBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:30 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Man Trap' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: Since for some reason the airdates got all wacky, I've got some exposition to do. Spock on ship. McCoy and I on planet. Blueshirt here for now, but will soon be our first redshirt.
McCoy: I'm nervous; how come I have to get the girl the first episode?
Kirk: You already got her, and she dumped you. Probably because you're not me.
McCoy: You're doing wonders for my nervousness.
Nancy: Hello boys.
McCoy: Hello old flame.
Kirk: Hello old hag.
Darnell: Hello blonde prostitute.
Kirk: Excuse me?
Darnell: Forgive me Ma'am, but you look just like a woman I picked up on--
Kirk: You are so monster fodder.
Darnell: Hubba hubba!
Nancy: Wanna give me some salt, baby?
Darnell: Doesn't that saying deal with sugar?
Nancy: What saying?
Captain's Log: Now's where we realize we saw completely different women, and get all suspicious. Ready gang?
Dr. Crater: I don't need an examination.
Kirk: Forgive me, but I'm the Captain here; only Captains can dodge medical exams.
McCoy: That's right and I'm the Doctor here, so we can condense your name now.
McCoy: Now then.... Your wife hasn't aged a day since I last saw her.
Kirk: You dated an old lady at 25?
McCoy: Old? She didn't have one gray hair in her head!
Kirk: Right, she had several. Let's get suspicious, shall we?
Nancy: (from outside) AAAHHH!
Kirk: Right on cue!
Nancy: --so I came to apologize for looking like a blonde prostitute and BAM!
Kirk: Kick it up a notch?
Nancy: Huh? No, he just ate a poisonous plant.
McCoy: We'll beam him up, and get you your supplies later. What exactly--
McCoy: er... I was asking which plant he ate.
Nancy: Oh. I dunno, but while you're out could you pick up some salt?
McCoy: I suppose....
Nancy: Salt you. I mean, Thank salt. Er....
Spock: It is illogical to speak one's actions.
Uhura: Not textually.
Transporter Guy: (over comm) Landing party reports one casualty sir.
Uhura: I don't believe it, a man dead and NO emotion from you!
Spock: It'll catch on with the rest of you soon enough.
McCoy: This man didn't swallow any plants. All the tests are negative; this man should just walk on outta here.
Kirk: Is his heart still beating?
Kirk: And what about those icky patches all over his body?
McCoy: Okay, okay. I'll run the tests for real this time.
Captain's Log: ...I really don't have anything new to say. Sorry.
Kirk: Spock, how're the Craters?
Spock: Crating on my nerves, sir.
Kirk: I meant medically.
Spock: In a word: perfectineverywayconceivablemeaningweshouldprobablybesuspicious.
McCoy: (over the comm) I found something suspicious, could you come down here?
Kirk: Why can't you say whatever it is over the comm?
McCoy: Doctor/cadaver confidentiality.
McCoy: Jim, this man has no salt in his body.
Kirk: Aha! Now the real question is: what kind of monster could do this to a person?
McCoy: Say, did I ever tell you the story of my break-up with Nancy?
McCoy: Look, Sturgeon is dead too!
Kirk: With such a creature around, our crewmen are fish out of water. We better find Green.
McCoy: Shouldn't be hard to spot in this desert.
Green: (walks up) Hey, I've been circling these ruins for hours looking for the creature that got Sturgeon.
Kirk: Why didn't you just hail us?
Green: I have no idea how to operate my communicator.
Kirk: Well his story checks out.... Better beam him aboard.
Sulu: Whoa, a dead guy!
Rand: Look at his face.
Sulu: Yeah, those red patches are kinda suspicious.
Rand: No, I mean I've never seen this man before. Who cares?
Captain's Log: We've beamed down to the planet to investigate the Crater of two evils.
Spock: Captain, look at this.
Kirk: So? It's just Green's dead body.
Spock: Yeah, but he beamed up with us.
Kirk: I thought that was Sturgeon.
Spock: He's dead too.
Kirk: Oh yeah....
Spock: Should we warn the ship?
Kirk: Allow me. (ahem) Kirk to Sulu -- we've got an intruder aboard.
Sulu: (over the comm) Description?
Kirk: He kinda looks like Crewman Glenn.
Crater: My wife has been dead for a year.
Kirk: So Nancy's been an imposter all along?
Spock: Nancy, Crewman Green, and that Swahili guy who didn't get fived.
Crater: It's the last creature of its kind -- much like the passenger pigeon, American buffalo, dodo bird...
Kirk: ...Diatryma, Smilodon, Tyrannosaur... I get the picture.
Kirk: I need reports from all departments.
Sulu: The creature isn't taking any of the salt traps we set out.
Spock: Scientific analysis indicates absolutely nothing.
"McCoy": Uh... don't kill it.
Kirk: That's your report Bones?
"McCoy": Do I get a gold salt? Er, star? Er.... (runs)
Kirk: Much more informative.
Nancy: Help me Leonard, they're trying to kill me!
McCoy: Who's trying to kill you? Don't be silly.
Kirk: (entering room with phaser) Step aside Bones, I'm trying to kill her.
Kirk: She's an it. It's a salt monster.
Nancy: Mmmm.... Kirk sweat....
Spock: (entering room) Shoot it, Doctor!
McCoy: I dunno, I think I need more evidence than that.
(Nancy morphs into a salt monster)
Salt Monster: Mmmm.... Kirk sweat....
McCoy: Good enough. (Fires)
Salt Monster: GAK!
Kirk: Boy, do I feel drained.
Spock: I prescribe one of these.
Kirk: What is it?
Spock: It's a salt lick.
(Kirk licks salt at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.