The Lights of ZetarBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:02 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Lights of Zetar' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: There's a hot babe on board, but she appears to be spending more time talking with Mr. Scott than flirting with me. I've instructed Mr. Spock to investigate this highly unusual circumstance. Oh, and we're on some mission to Memory Alpha. Whatever.
Scotty: Mira, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met while serving on the Enterprise.
Lieutenant Romaine: Really?
Scotty: No, but you're the first one who hasn't been snapped up by Captain Kirk.
Sulu: Captain, we're getting some strange sensor readings.
Kirk: Well, at least something around here is still par for the course. Onscreen.
Spock: It appears to be a storm of big flashy lights, Captain.
Kirk: Wait, I've seen this one. We touch it and get taken to a paradise where time stands still and there's a lot of wood to chop, right?
Spock: I do not know to what you are referring, Captain. I suspect that these are the lights of the planet Zetar.
Kirk: For the last time, Spock, that's not deduction, that's cheating.
Scotty: Mira! Mira, can you hear me?
Romaine: Ieday umanshay ieday.
McCoy: Let me take a look at her.
Kirk: You certainly got here fast. In fact, I don't even recall summoning you to the bridge.
McCoy: I was on standby. The crew was concerned you might try and beat up Mr. Scott.
Chekov: Captain, when the disturbance penetrated the bridge, I could not look at my controls!
Sulu: And I couldn't speak!
Uhura: And I --
Kirk: Wait, let me guess -- you couldn't hear?
Uhura: No, I couldn't move my hand to respond to Memory Alpha's hail.
Kirk: Damn. There goes the "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" theory.
Romaine: Look, can I go already? All you've done is stand there going "Hmm" for the past forty-five minutes.
McCoy: Sorry, Lieutenant, Captain's orders.
Romaine: He ordered me kept in Sickbay?
McCoy: He ordered you kept away from Mr. Scott.
Sulu: Sir! The storm is on an intercept course for Memory Alpha!
Kirk: Uhura, warn Memory Alpha to raise shields and arm weapons!
Spock: Captain, they do not have shields or weapons.
Kirk: What? What kind of fool builds a library without weapons of mass destruction to defend it?
Captain's Log: The storm has cleared Memory Alpha, but we have been unable to contact the surface. On the plus side, taking an away team down to investigate has given me an excellent excuse to separate Scotty from that hot lieutenant.
Kirk: Damage report, Mr. Spock.
Spock: The memory core has been irreparably damaged.
Kirk: Oh no! What about all the information it contained?
Spock: I believe Starfleet has a backup of most of the library's knowledge.
Spock: Historical data on the mid-22nd century has been lost.
Kirk: Oh, that's okay. Nothing important happened then.
Woman: Ieday umanshay ieday. GAK!
McCoy: Sounds like what Lieutenant Romaine was saying after she collapsed.
Kirk: Well, let's have her beam down then. Kirk to... say, wait a minute. If you, me, Spock, and Scotty are down here, who's in charge?
Sulu: (over the comm) You called, Captain?
Kirk: Oh. Dear. God.
Romaine: We have to get out of here! The storm is returning!
Kirk: That's preposterous.
Sulu: (over the comm) Captain! The storm is returning!
Kirk: Sulu, how many times have I told you not to contradict your commanding officer? At this rate, you'll never make captain.
Romaine: I had a vision of what happened to those people on the surface. What's happening to me?
Scotty: You see what the aliens see... it would seem your minds are "Attached" in some way. Someone or something has mentally "Attached" you to the aliens.
Romaine: Scotty, this isn't a TNG ripoff. In fact, it has nothing to do with that episode at all.
Scotty: Sorry. I have a grudge against the entire series.
Sulu: It's following our every move, Captain! I can't outrun it!
Spock: Can't outrun them, Mr. Sulu.
Kirk: Spock, this is no time to be picky about grammar.
Spock: I merely wanted to point out that the storm is actually ten distinct alien lifeforms.
Kirk: Oh. Well, open hailing frequencies, then. (ahem) "Greetings, little worms --"
Spock: Captain, that is not the standard Starfleet message.
Kirk: I know. I found it in the Memory Alpha database.
Kirk: No response?
Uhura: No, sir, but we only sent the message a few seconds ag--
Kirk: I've heard enough -- these aliens must have hostile intentions. Fire!
Romaine: (over the comm) Aaaaaaaaaaa!
Spock: It would appear that attacking the aliens has a detrimental effect on Lieutenant Romaine.
Kirk: Dammit, why can't it ever be the other way around?
Kirk: Well, Lieutenant, being new to the Enterprise, you're probably not familiar with our investigative procedures. Your job, as a woman, is to sit there and look puzzled while we, as the men, do the talking and the thinking. Do you have any questions before we get underway?
Romaine: Yes. Why is the doctor here?
Romaine: And Mr. Spock?
Kirk: He'll be figuring out that you and the aliens are linked telepathically. Also, he'll be saying "fascinating" several times.
Romaine: And Scotty?
Kirk: He wanted to come ogle you. I told him no, but he obviously snuck in while I wasn't looking.
Romaine: Is there any real point to this whole thing now that you've just told me all this?
Kirk: Hm... no, I guess not. Especially since I just remembered I left Sulu in command again.
Sulu: (over the comm) We'll see who has the last laugh when I save your butt in Star Trek VI.
Kirk: I have a plan. Let's allow the aliens to take over Lieutenant Romaine.
Scotty: I object to this plan!
Kirk: We'll have to have a controlled environment. We can use that piece of antique technology we brought aboard last week.
Scotty: You don't mean....
Kirk: Yes -- the decon chamber.
Scotty: Objection withdrawn.
"Romaine": We are the survivors of the planet Zetar.
Kirk: Zetar? I've never heard of them.
"Romaine": Oh, like that means anything. There are lots of alien species you've never heard of. The Xindi, the Ferengi, the Klingons --
Kirk: Klingons? Where?
"Romaine": We require your corporeal bodies. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Kirk: You call that a slogan? That will never catch on.
Scotty: All right, lass, lettuce get you in the chamber. Get it? "Lettuce"? And her name is Rom--OW!
"Romaine": Don't mention it.
Spock: The high pressure in the chamber should kill the aliens since they have been accustomed to the vacuum of space.
Scotty: But then how come they were able to come on the Enterprise?
Kirk: Scotty, you've been warned. Either contribute to the suspense or shut up.
Spock: The aliens are gone.
Kirk: Well, Mr. Scott, all's well that ends well.
Scotty: It's over? But where's the gel? Where's the cheesecake?
Kirk: Are we talking about the same kind of decon chamber?
Kirk: Well, poor Scotty. I guess we'll have to send Lieutenant Romaine back to Starbase for further treatment.
McCoy: I don't see any reason she can't stay on board, Jim.
Kirk: But it would be illogical. Right, Spock?
Spock: Not at all, Captain.
Kirk: But... but....
Sulu: (over the comm) I happen to agree with them, Captain. You've had enough babes to last you six or seven movies. And say, have you ever thought about adding a cup holder to this chair of yours?
Kirk: I'll keep you from getting your own command if it's the last thing I do....
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.