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The Trek Nation - The Immunity Syndrome

The Immunity Syndrome

By FatMatDuhRat
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:58 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Immunity Syndrome' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: Y'know what? I'm really getting tired of fighting Klingons and saving the galaxy all the time -- starting today, we're on vacation!

Uhura: Sir! I'm picking up a distress call --
Kirk: And I'm picking up a beach ball and some suntan lotion, so let Spock hear it.
Uhura: But it's coming from --
Spock: ARGH! The Intrepid! (grabs head and spins around)
Uhura: No fair! I'm supposed to tell the Captain that!

Kirk: Spock, go to Sickbay.
Spock: I'm fine, Captain, it's nothing but -- owie, ow-ow! ARGH! The pain!
Kirk: Bones, get up here -- Spock's freaking out again.
McCoy: (over the comm) Awl-right! Just remember, I'm the one who gets to write "LOGIC SUCKS" on his forehead this time.

Kirk: Helm, set a course for the beach.
Uhura: Some orders are coming in from Starfleet --
Kirk: (sticks fingers in ears while loudly whistling)
Uhura: We have to go see why an entire solar system just disappeared.
Kirk: (whining) That does not sound like a good place to go for my vacation.

McCoy: They're dead, Jim!
Kirk: Yes, Bones... I can see that, but thanks for fixing Spock for us.
Spock: Indeed, and due to Doctor McCoy's treatment I no longer feel any pain.
Kirk: Oh really...? (huge grin) Well, just wait a second longer -- trust me!

Scotty: Sir! There be darkness here!
Kirk: Then let's move away from it.
Crew: ARGH! The pain!
McCoy: We're dying, Jim!
Kirk: Yes, Bones -- I can see that!

Kirk: Okay, now let's fly towards it.
Spock: I find that to be highly illogical, Captain.
Kirk: Aha! But you really don't believe that, do you?
Spock: But I --
Kirk: Nope! Not this time, Mister! (points) I can see it written all over your face!

Kirk: How're the shields, Scotty?
Scotty: Eh? What're these things called "shields" that you mention?
Kirk: Look, just find a way to pull a techno-rabbit out of the warp core like you always do.
Scotty: Uh, sure, but... what's a "warp core"?

Crew: ARGH! Not again!

Kirk: Did everyone survive?
Chekov: Aye, sir -- but what's happened to all the stars?
Valen: Welcome to... the Void.
Spock: Scientifically speaking, this isn't truly a void if you're already in it.
Valen: (grumbles) Whatever, big-ears, just as long as you don't have a crazy coffee-drinking redheaded woman on board.

McCoy: We're still dying, Jim!
Kirk: Yeah, Doc, I know!
McCoy: Then get us the heck outta here!
Spock: One of us should investigate the gigantic amoeba first.
Kirk: What gigantic amoeba?
Spock: (points) That gigantic amoeba!

Gigantic Amoeba: (waves) Howdy y'all!

Captain's Log: Now... I wonder if the gigantic amoeba that Spock found is responsible for all of this? I'll try inviting it to our vacation beach-BBQ, that's sure to work!

McCoy: Since it's a big biological space-thing, I'm going to blow it up!
Spock: Doctor, your choice of logic sucks.
McCoy: (convulses from a seizure) Why, you lousy, no-good, green-blooded --
Kirk: Gentlemen! Whomever I send out there may die. (looks at them for a second) Well, g'bye Spock.
Spock: I'll do my best, sir.
Kirk: Yes, that's won-derful! (Shoves him out the door) Don't forget to write!

Spock: (over the comm) I am now approaching the amoeba. (WHAM!)
Kirk: That's nice, steady as she goes.
Spock: I am now approaching the nucleus -- ARGH!
Kirk: Yeah, I know this part -- "Ouch!", "Ow!" and all that.
Scotty: Captain, we've (gasp) lost his signal -- Mr. Spock is dead!
McCoy: Wha--? That's my line! I'll kill you!

Captain's Log: We now have to fly the Enterprise into the amoeba and blow it up ourselves --
McCoy: Hey! Why didn't we just do that in the first place?
Kirk: Because I'm totally incompetent! And we only manage to survive by some miraculous form of dumb luck.
McCoy: Yeah -- I know, it's just that... (sniffle) I really miss Spock!
Kirk: Oh, sure you do.

Chekov: We're approaching the amoeba. (WHAM!)
Kirk: (yawns) Steady as she goes.
Scotty: We're near the nucleus, sir. (WHAM!)
Kirk: Fire the antimatter.
Chekov: Probe's away!
Kirk: (filing his nails) Ho-hum, that's great. Now turn around and --
McCoy: Hey look, it's Spock!
Kirk: Aha! There goes that dumb-luck miracle. Now we can finally go and hit the beach!

Gigantic Amoeba: ARGH! (KA-BOOM!)

Scotty: Sir! We're clear of any dark amoeba energy....
Chekov: ...and that creepy "Void" guy is gone too.
Spock: Also, I was able to do all of my laundry while waiting for you to pick me up.
Kirk: Pick you up? (looks around) Who let this guy back on board?
McCoy: I did, Jim, I just -- (crying buckets) couldn't live without him!

Spock: I need to finish ironing my socks.
Kirk: Just bring them to the beach, we'll all be surfing into the sunset real soon.
Uhura: Not yet, there's another message from Starfleet coming through --
Kirk: Huh--? What do they want now?
Uhura: They've just found a crazy woman with red hair who keeps on asking for a cup of coffee.
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy: (stick fingers in ears while loudly whistling)
(The Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


FatMatDuhRat is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.