The Gamesters of TriskelionBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:58 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Gamesters of Triskelion' Episode Guide
Kirk: Next stop, Gamma 2.
Kirk: ....or not.
Thralls: Let's fight!
Kirk: Okay, but only if we can win.
Thralls: Sorry, its non-negotiable.
Scotty: (over the comm) I was transporting the landing party up and guess who disappeared?
Spock: By process of elimination, I guess the landing party.
Scotty: Your Vulcan logic never ceases to amaze me.
Spock: Nor your human stupidity me.
Galt: I am Galt, the stiff and unemotional head thrall. You may notice my striking similarity to people like Al Gore or Chakotay.
Kirk: What is to become of us?
Galt: We shall fit you with collars and the providers will watch you fight for enjoyment.
Galt: Just wait.
Scotty: Our transporters are fine.
Spock: And there's no life on the planet. Logically, we'll wait here a few scenes anyway.
Scotty: Your Vulcan logic just ceased to amaze me.
Galt: And here are your cells, er, "quarters."
Kirk, Chekov, and Uhura: bonzAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Galt: And there was your punishment, er, "reminder."
McCoy: Is it time for us to put two and two together yet?
Spock: Not yet, just wait.
Lars: I'm your drill thrall, Lars. I follow a line of great Larses, such as Lars Ulrich.
Uhura: But he's a prick.
Lars: And that detracts from my statement how?
Tamoon: I'm your drill thrall, Tamoon. I put the "man" in "woman."
Chekov: I see two interpretations of that, and neither is sounding good.
Shahna: And I'm your drill thrall, Shahna. Naturally, you got the hot one.
Kirk: No complaints here. Let's talk forbidden stuff.
Shahna: But thats forbidden.
Kirk: You're no fun at all.
Shahna: What is "fun"?
Kirk: You've just hit the bottom and started digging.
Spock: Okay, time to do something. Let's go to the next system and see if they were magically transported there or something.
McCoy: Why, logic?
Spock: No, boredom.
Galt: This guy sucks, so he's now "Practice Target."
Uhura: How does that work?
Galt: You will use "Practice Target" for "Target Practice."
Kirk: That's stupid.
Galt: Would you like to be "Practice Target"?
Kirk: Will my shirt get so torn in the process that I will be forced to remove it?
Kirk: Then let's go, woodboy.
Captain's Log: We are on the planet Triskelion. We are unsure who is in control, but I think its a safe bet to say they're gamesters.
Shahna: Here, have an energy drink. And remember, when fighting Kloog, think "left."
Kirk: Sheesh, speak a little louder, would ya?
Kirk: Take that!
Shahna: I meant attack him from the left, not play left-handed!
Provider 1: Hold!
Provider 1: I bet on the newcommers.
Provider 2: I bet against them.
Provider 3: I bet against both of you.
Provider 2: How the hell does that work?
Provider 3: Shut up, stop picking on me!
Galt: ....very well. Kirk and Co., you've been sold. Here are your identification collars and harnesses.
Chekov: It just keeps getting kinkier!
Kirk: You aren't helping the situation one iota.
Kirk: You thralls should have freedom to do stuff.
Shahna: Ho hum....
Kirk: You were supposed to say "what kind of stuff".
Shahna: Sigh. What kind of stuff.
Kirk: Well, I'm glad you asked. Like love!
Kirk: Here, let me show you. *smoochie*
Provider 1: Stop that, except don't, because it amuses me.
Shahna: You confuse me.
Kirk: Oh yeah, wait to see how confused you are after this! *smoochie* SMACK! Now, off to escape!
Uhura: And me!
Chekov: And me!
Galt: Or not.
Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov: AAAGGGGGHHHH!
Spock: Aha! Another mystery solved, as we find the planet!
Scotty: We coulda been here sooner....
McCoy: Let's beam down with lotsa guns!
Provider 1: (from planet) Not so fast, Reed.
Kirk: (from planet) Hey, took you long enough!
Kirk: Okay, here's a recap; this planet is Triskellion, and we're all thralls being bet on in fights by Provider Gamesters.
Provider 1: Very good. Wanna come see us?
Kirk: Oh boy!
Kirk: Nerf Brain Balls? I thought they only came in orange!
Provider 2: Mockery? Just for that, you and your ship die!
Kirk: Can I whine my way out of it?
Provider 3: No.
Kirk: Can I gamble my way out?
Provider 1: That's more like it.
Kirk: Okay. If we win, we and the thralls go free...
Provider 3: Free thralls? There would be primitive chaos! We might have to resort to "ooga booga" characterizations!
Kirk: ....if we lose, you can watch assembled crewmembers kiss and fight for eternity! And there's more; just think "generations to amuse you" and you'll get the general idea.
Provider 1: We accept! Finally, cost-free porn!
Provider 2: Eh?
Provider 1: Okay, I want a good clean fight. Now let's get it on!
Provider 3: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Provider 2: Stop that!
Kirk: Okay, here goes. DIEDIEDIE!
Kirk: One more. DIEDIEDIE!
Andorian: Hey, this makeup's expensive, don't smear it! I'm gone!
Galt: Sigh. Shahna, you're up.
Shahna: We surrender!
Provider 1: Shucks. Well, we'll honor the terms. Remove the collars and scram.
Kirk: See you around, Shahna.
Shahna: You don't really mean that, do you?
Kirk: Nah. Beam us up, Scotty.
Shahna: Well now that we're all free, there's only one thing I have to say. Oooga booga boog!
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.