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The Trek Nation - The Galileo Seven

The Galileo Seven

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:34 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Galileo Seven' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: Plague, colony, medical supplies, yadda. Who cares? We've got QUASARS!

Kirk: What's that? Is that a quasar, Sulu?
Sulu: I don't think so....
Kirk: Well let's check it out and be sure!
High Commissioner Ferris: I object. You're stalling, Captain.
Kirk: I'm under strict orders to investigate all quasars in this region.
Ferris: With all due respect, I believe you simply like the word "quasar".
Kirk: What would give you a quazy notion like that?

Ionization Effect of Murasaki 312: Yo.
Spock: Spock to Enterprise; our instruments have become unreliable and we must attempt an emergency landing.

Uhura: We're being hailed by the shuttlecraft Galileo, but the signal is very weak. I think Spock is saying that his strumpets are undeniably tempting.
Kirk: I'll take his word for it. Set a course for Murasaki 312, maximum warp!

Scotty: Damnit. We just crash landed our new set; the studio's gonna kill us.
Spock: Then it's your job to fix it. Meanwhile, Lieutenants Gaetano and Latimer shall scout out the area for no particular reason, and McCoy will act useless and ask dumb questions.
McCoy: What's the point in having those redshirts scout out the area? Wouldn't it be safer for us all to stick together?
Spock: Case in point.

Kirk: Alright crew, we've got some strumpets to catch. Eunuch squad, you shall take the shuttlecraft Columbus and pick up said babes, while assuring that our booty remains unharmed. Meanwhile, I shall suck on the entirety of the contents of this Listerine PocketPak in preparation.
Uhura: Sir, the ionization effect of Murasaki 312 prevents us from locating the Galileo.
Kirk: Rats! New plan, eunuchs: fly about aimlessly and hope you can catch me some action.
Ferris: Um, hello? Colonists?
Kirk: Huh?
Ferris: You know -- those people we were going to rescue until you were sidetracked by the quasars.
Kirk: Of course! I can't believe I forgot about the quasars! Do you think that'd be a good place to go for a romantic shindig?
Ferris: (sigh) You've got two days. After that, you'll just have to score with the plague-infected colonists.
Kirk: A worthy Plan B.

McCoy: Is being in command stressful? Are you sure you'll make the right decisions? How come the shuttlecraft crashed at a perfect horizontal?
Spock: Doctor, why don't you treat Lieutenant Boma's bruised thigh? My command decisions require a clear mind in order to be 100% objective.
Scott: We lost a lot of fuel in the crash. We'll have to remove 500 pounds of dead weight before we'll be able to take off.
Spock: Then I guess we'll have to trim the Galileo Seven into the Galileo Four.
McCoy: Are you seriously considering leaving three behind? Would it be okay if I called them the "Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro" instead of the Galileo three-left-behind? Why is your hand on my shoul-- (THUMP)

Latimer: I've got a bad feeling about this....
Gaetano: I feel peachy!
Oversized Spear: THUNK!
Latimer: GAK!

Spock: Lieutenant, report!
Gaetano: I feel peachy!
Spock: What attacked Latimer? Are you okay?
Gaetano: I feel peachy!
Spock: I see.... Looking at this spear, I'd say it was a giant ape, about... yea high.
Gaetano: I feel pea-- (THUMP)

Uhura: Scanners are still inoperative.
Ferris: I really don't see this working out. How do you plan on finding these alleged "chicks" without sensors?
Kirk: Didn't you see what we did to the shuttlecraft? It's now got chrome rims, a "Type-R" sticker, black lights rigged along the bottom, and a musical horn which plays "The Thong Song."
Ferris: How'd you manage all of that within your limited time frame?
Kirk: Four words: dodgy eunuch labor laws.

Boma: Sir, we've managed to remove the standard 480 CD-changer, and a box full of testosterone-scented air fresheners.
Spock: The captain won't like that.... How much weight did we lose?
Boma: So far, 50 pounds. I think we'll be able to trim off another 100 with the captain's inflatable Jacuzzi and William Shatner-themed pinball machine.
Spock: Magnifico! Now we can safely go back while only leaving one crewmember behind.
McCoy: Are you crazy? And what about the giant ape I slept through? How long was I out?
Spock: I've decided that we should scare them away with our high-tech phasers.
Boma: By shooting them in the face?
Spock: By shooting at rocks and the sky, while hoping that they find such things menacing.

Spock: Ready... aim... FIRE!
(Gaetano and Boma fire randomly)
Creature: Ungh! (drops shield)
Spock: They're retreating. Now, we just need someone to stand here and guard the canyon walls for no reason in particular.
Gaetano: I feel peachy!
Spock: Congratulations, you've just volunteered.

Scott: I've got an idea. Drain your weapons, and we'll have some enough power to take us all up.
Spock: Excellent. Somebody go get Gaetano.
Gaetano: (in the distance) AIIEEEEEEEEE!
Scotty: So.... are we all set to go then?
Spock: Nope. I'm scientifically curious about the fate of Gaetano.
McCoy: What the hell does that mean? Why can't we go already?
Scotty: Good question.

Spock: I do not understand the actions of these creatures. They're entirely illogical.
Creature: Duh. (throws spears)

Captain's Log: Though I have completely burned out all of my taste buds, the reaction of the crewmembers around me indicates that my breath is delightfully minty and fresh.

Uhura: Captain, the ion storm appears to be dissipating.
Kirk: Excellent. Kirk/Babe rendezvous in T-minus 3 hours.
Ferris: (ahem) You need to set course for the colony in 2 hours, 45 minutes.
Kirk: Jeez, Ferris -- don't you ever take a day off?
Ferris: No.
Kirk: (sigh) Fine. I guess I'll be taking my eunuchs and going home.
Ferris: To the colony.
Kirk: Whatever.

Creatures: (from outside the shuttlecraft) Ungh!
McCoy: Can't we electrify the hull or something?
Spock: Of course not. What logical purpose would such a function serve?
(Scotty pulls a lever, the shuttle is electrified, and the creatures flee)
McCoy: Can I call 'em or what?

Ferris: Captain, you're stalling....
Kirk: I am not -- I'm just holding out for the babes.
Ferris: Look, a quasar!
Kirk: Ooo, set a course!

Scotty: Well we have enough fuel for one orbit.
McCoy: And the Enterprise is nowhere in sight.
(Spock pushes a button and ignites the remaining fuel)
Boma: Hey, great idea. Were you inspired by "Shuttlepod One"?
Spock: No.

Captain's Log: We've beamed aboard the crew of the Galileo, and found only one chick aboard. Fortunately, she was a Yeoman, and was quite qualified for her position.

Kirk: Spock, next time you go on an away mission, try not to use words that rhyme with "chick", "lady", or "hot piece of --"
Spock: Understood. So are we finally heading off to give the colony their medical supplies?
Kirk: Um, yeah.... (crap!)
(The Enterprise alters its course at Quazy Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.