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The Trek Nation - The Enterprise Incident

The Enterprise Incident

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:01 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Enterprise Incident' Episode Guide

Medical Log: Yep, it's my turn for exposition this episode. The captain's acting crazy and irritable and stuff, so...um...let's just cut to the episode, 'kay?

Kirk: I'm feeling cranky and irritable and stuff. Set course for the Neutral Zone.
Sulu: Sir, that course will take us right into the Neutral Zone!
Kirk: Jeez, with comments like that, its not hard to see why I'm acting crazy and irritable and stuff.
Chekov: You're acting?
Kirk: No, no, of course not. Carry on.

Scotty: Did starfleet order us into the Neutral Zone?
Uhura: No, the captain's just acting crazy and irritable.
Scotty: He's acting?
Kirk: Shhh!
Spock: Detecting three Klingon ships, but they're Romulan.
Kirk: How do you know?
Spock: Would you believe that it was my Jedi instinct?

Subcommander Tal: Surrender at once, or we'll destroy you.
Kirk: I doubt it.
Tal: Yeah me too, but it's a thought, anyway.

Scotty: We're screwed.
Kirk: You're not constructive at all. And you're dismissed, Doctor.
McCoy: But I didn't even say anything!
Kirk: Can't you see I'm trying to be crazy and irritable and stuff?
Tal: (over the comm) You and Spock beam over.
Kirk: Heheheh, Excellent. I mean, uh...sure, no problem.

Romulan Commander: So, what's your excuse for trespassing? Didn't see the sign? Bad directions?
Kirk: Equipment failure.
Commander: What a crock. Now you, Spock, what's the truth? I've heard that Vulcans don't lie.
Spock: The Vulcans that told you that did. But since I'm in a betraying mood, he did it.
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Spock: Yes huh!
Kirk: Naw--
Commander: *sigh* Off to the brig with ya, Kirk.

Commander: (over the comm) You're free because of your Captain's insanity and irritability.
Scotty: You're not a huge fan of the series, are you? We stay.

Commander: Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son!
Spock: That doesn't even make sense! Geez, if you're going to reference Star Wars, at least pick something that works in context! For example, I love you.
Commander: I know.
Spock: Much better.

Uhura: (over the comm) Doc, the captain's injured so you need to go save him!
McCoy: This is the 23rd century. Doctors haven't made house calls in over 300 years!
Uhura: Humor me.

Commander: Now remember, Spock, while we're walking through the halls we keep our hands to ourselves and make sure not to touch any candy, magazines, or cloaking devices.
Spock: Yes, my lord.

McCoy: Yep, he's crazy all right. Unfit for command, the whole enchilada.
Kirk: Spock, I'll KILL YOU!
Spock: No, I'll kill you with my Vulcan death grip.
Kirk: GAK!
McCoy: He's dead, Ji-- er, Spock.
Spock: Yay, command decision time!

Kirk: zzzzzzzzzzBOO!
Chapel: AAAAAH, HE'S ALIVE HE'S ALIVE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Kirk: Not necessary, we've got plot to reveal. Go ahead, Lenny.
McCoy: They're under orders to steal a cloaking device for Starfleet, so they've done espionage and stuff.
Kirk: Very good. Now make me a Romulan.
McCoy: Zap, you're a Romulan.
Kirk: I was trying to ask you for a Romulan ale, but now that you mention it, being a Romulan could work too.

Commander: Here, have some food and ale. We've got a romance to develop.
Spock: No argument here. It is good being the captain. (winks to camera)

Kirk: We're running out of episode time. Just beam me over there.
Scotty: But that's stupid, you'll get caught.
Kirk: Me, caught? Hahahahaha! Good one.

Commander: With all this flirting and all, let me tell you my first name. It's (mumbles something in Spock's ear).
Spock: Leia? No wonder....
Commander: Now you've gone and ruined it for the audience! Why, I oughta change into a tight fitting dress right this instant!
Spock: You won't see me stopping you.

Kirk: This whole sneaking-around-Romulan-starships business is pretty easy. Good thing I picked the blue scarf instead of the red one!

Commander: You'll notice my guillible and believing nature.
Spock: You'll notice my facade of emotions.
Guard: You'll notice Spock's communications with someone else on the ship.
Commander: You'll notice-- hey, really? You really suck, Spock. Really.

Guard: Pare, Señor.
Kirk: Nah. Kick. Now, to replace the cloaking device with a bag of sand! I'll be sure to place the sand on the pedestal just as I remove the device. Slowly, sloowwwly... there!
Scotty: (over the comm) You know that thing's not booby trapped, right?
Kirk: Stop ruining my pointless movie references!

Guard: The cloaking device is gone!
Commander: How could you? We could've ruled hand in hand!
Spock: I'll never join you.
(SMACK)
Spock: Darth Vader wouldn't have slapped me...

Captain's Log: Yippee, we have a cloaking device! Too bad we didn't register in time for the Five-year warranty.

Uhura: AAAAHHH, ITS A ROMULAN ON THE BRIDGE!
Kirk: Relax, it's just me.
Chekov: Boy, you sure fooled us!
Kirk: Pointy ears fool you? No wonder Clark Kent went unnoticed all these years with only a pair of glasses as a disguise.

Spock: I demand the right of statement.
Commander: But you're just buying time!
Spock: Hey, I found a legal loophole and you can't do anything about it. Now shush. *Ahem* Blah blah blah blah blah....
(transporter starts to beam him away)
Commander: Hey, I'm coming with you!
Spock: Why? That's kinda stupid, you know.

Scotty: (over the comm) I'm having trouble with the cloak; don't expect anything till the last minute!
Kirk: Of course, of course. Let's go, Sulu.
Commander: You won't get away with this! They're following you and will destroy you any second!
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Commander: Grrrrrr.
Kirk: Okay, its the last minute now. Engage cloak, Scotty!
Scotty: Aye.
Enterprise: Ta ta for now!

Commander: Spock! Take off my mask, so that I can see you with my own eyes!
Spock: There you go again with those movie references that don't work. Just get to your quarters, and remember that I kinda sorta liked you.
Commander: You really, really suck. Bye now.

McCoy: (over the comm) Get over here, Jim, and let me cut your ears off!
Spock: Please do. I'm getting ear envy.
Kirk: Okay, Van Gogh, do what you will.
(The Enterprise warps off for the Starry Night at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.