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The Trek Nation - The Deadly Years

The Deadly Years

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:55 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Deadly Years' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: Life on the ship was getting old, so we decided to beam down to a planet.

Spock: It appears no one has come out to greet us.
Kirk: Hey! That's not right. When I beam down to a planet, I expect a parade, a banquet, a piñata shaped like an Andorian's head, and a love interest!
Spock: I'm sure they have a good excuse.
Kirk: No excuse will pardon these omissions; not unless they're dead or dying.
Spock: We should split up and try to find them. We'll check out this well-lit, sterile building over here, and a redshirt can check out the dark, creepy building that reeks of death and certain doom.
Scotty: Actually, I'm the only redshirt who beamed down.
Spock: Hm. Then I guess we'll have to send Chekov.
Chekov: Crap!

Chekov: I will not be a Tasha Yar...I will not be a Tasha Yar...I will NOT be a Tasha Y--AAAAH!
Kirk: Alas, poor Chekov. We hardly knew him.
McCoy: Hey, he's still alive!
Kirk: That's strange. Let's check it out.

McCoy: This guy died from an overdose of old-age makeup.
Kirk: What would a group of people in their twenties be doing with old-age makeup?
Chekov: AH! Two more!
The Johnsons: Hi.

Captain's Log: Interestingly enough, everyone on the planet was dead or dying, so I won't have to make an example of them.

Kirk: So if I don't get a love interest from the planet, where is she coming from?
Wallace: From the ship. I'm apparently a passenger of some sort for some reason.
Kirk: You're not played by Diana Muldaur!
Wallace: Should I have been?
Kirk: After watching "Unnatural Selection," it would have been strangely ironic.

Johnson: GAK!
McCoy: Well, that's all of them. They all died from old age. Fortunately I made some good money betting on when they'd croak.
Kirk: Why do I get the feeling you cheated, Bones?
McCoy: (hiding hypospray behind back) What makes you say that?

Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Kirk: And I say we stay here.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Kirk: I already told you no.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Kirk: Do you say anything other than "I say we go to Starbase 10?"
Stocker: No.
Kirk: Huh?
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.

McCoy: Uh oh. I think we're all getting older. We'll die like the Johnsons did! We're all doomed!
Wallace: Hubba hubba! I really have a thing for older men. (kisses Kirk)
McCoy: What is it with you anyway?
Kirk: Still think we're doomed?
McCoy: More than ever.

Captain's Log: Spock, McCoy, Scotty, a no-name blueshirt and I are all getting older and older. We still have no idea why we look nothing like we do in the movies.

Blueshirt: (gets a hypospray from McCoy) GAK!
McCoy: Woo hoo! I was within two seconds of her time of death! Go me!
Kirk: Now I know you're cheating!
McCoy: Hey! Do you want me to bet on you next?
Kirk: Um, did I say cheating? I meant to say that you must be clairvoyant to do so well!
McCoy: That's better.

Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: We can't do that. The Captain has ordered us to stay here.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: That would mean calling an incompetency hearing on the Captain, which I will not do.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: All right already! I'll call the hearing! Just stop saying that!

Spock: This hearing has been called to remove the old geezer.
Kirk: Oh no! Not Dr. McCoy!
Spock: Um, no. You.
Kirk: You mean I'm not Dr. McCoy?
Spock: I'm satisified already. The Captain has been removed.
Kirk: Well, just as long as I'm still in command.
Spock: Sigh. And since the Captain, myself, and Mr. Scott are all affected, that leaves Commodore Stocker in charge, though I don't really know why.
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Spock: Oh, that's original.
Sulu: Sir, you do realize that that will take us through the Romulan Neutral Zone, don't you?
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.

McCoy: Okay. Let's try to figure out why we're sick.
Kirk: More importantly, let's try to figure out why we're sick!
Spock: Sigh. I wonder why Chekov wasn't affected.
Kirk: Because he's a main character.
McCoy: We're main characters too, you doofus!
Kirk: Okay, okay. No reason to get all worked up about it!
Spock: Hmmm... All worked up about it, you say?

Sulu: Um, there are Romulans all around. What should we do?
Stocker: I say we go to Starbase 10.
Chekov: Enough! Stop saying that!
Stocker: Ow! Ow! OW!

Kirk: Here I come to save the day!
Romulans: Run away! Run away!
Kirk: Heh heh he--hey! Why is Stocker in that box? And why is there postage on it?
Spock: I say he goes to Starbase 10.
Kirk: Officer thinking, Spock.
(Commodore Stocker gets sent to Starbase 10 at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.