The Alternative FactorBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:40 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Alternative Factor' Episode Guide
Spock: We're approaching a planet.
Kirk: Oh this is different. Life signs?
Spock: Population zero -- all Borg.
Kirk: A barren planet? Inconceivable!
Kirk: What was that?
Kirk: No, something happened. What was it?
Spock: The something was nothing. Nothing happened.
Kirk: The rest of the episode had better make more sense than it does now.
Spock: Woah, now there's life on the planet.
Kirk: A barren planet creating life? Inconceivable!
Spock: Population one -- all Borg except one.
Kirk: Stop staying that.
Spock: Only if you stop saying "inconceivable".
Kirk: It's a deal. Let's beam down.
Spock: Oooh, a hovercraft.
Kirk: A hovercraft on a barren planet? Incon--
Spock: We had a deal.
Lazarus: You've come for me! My heroes!
Kirk: Um, watch out for that first step!
Lazarus: Wha--? AAAAH!
Admiral: (over the comm) Nothing happened everywhere. Find out why.
Kirk: Nothing happened everywhere? Incon--
Kirk: --venient. Can I have reinforcements?
Admiral: Um, uh, no, but we'll be right behind you. And by "right behind you" I mean "high-tailing it away from you as fast as possible."
Kirk: I hate you. I hate you so much.
Kirk: So, crazy man, what were you doing on the planet?
Lazarus: I was persuing him. He's my foe. The God to my Satan. The Holmes to my Moriarty. The Superman to my Lex Luthor.
Kirk: Should I be troubled by you attributing the good characteristics to him and the bad ones to yourself?
Lazarus: No, you should let me beam down with you.
Kirk: Okay then.
Lazarus: So my foe was the one who made nothing happen everywhere.
Spock: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Kirk: Lazarus was lying? Incon--
McCoy: Hey, check out my mad wound healing skills. One minute he has a scar on his face and the next he doesn't!
Kirk: And that's all because of your medical know-how?
McCoy: Yep. 100% me!
Kirk: Then why is there still a scar on his face?
Spock: We've discovered a rip in the universe
Kirk: So we need a tailor to make a stitch in time?
Lazarus: No, I need dilithium to stop my nemesis.
Kirk: Hm... Give you dilithium and leave the ship without power or not give you dilithium and live. That's a toughie.
Kirk: Argh! Stop that!
(Nothing gives Kirk the finger)
Captain's Log: Someone stole dilithium. I'll give myself three guesses as to who did it.
Lazarus: I didn't steal any dilithium. It was my enemy!
Kirk: What would he want with dilithium?
Lazarus: He's hoping to go to other planets and start fight clubs. We must stop him.
Kirk: I guess this means going back down to the planet. We seem to be doing that a lot.
Spock: That's because we're actually on location and not just at a set.
Kirk: How about some answers. What's your ship?
Lazarus: It's a time ship.
Kirk: Your last name isn't Braxton, is it?
Lazarus: I'm hunting down another time traveller, who blew up my planet in the 29th century as part of a temporal cold war. Now I need your dilithium to get back to the year 1985.
Kirk: Why do I get the feeling you're just making this up?
Lazarus: I must stop the other, and his little dog too.
Spock: Ha! I figured it out! Lazarus is from an alternate universe!
Kirk: An alternate universe episode? How incon-- dite.
Spock: There are two Lazaruses -- a good one and a bad one.
Kirk: So we use the transporter to put them back together?
Spock: No, it's a Jekyll and Hyde thing. One is present when the other isn't. When they switch, nothing happens.
Kirk: So something is happening when nothing happens!
Spock: What's more, one Lazarus is a matter Lazarus, but the other Lazarus is --
Kirk: A mind Lazarus?
Spock: An antimatter Lazarus. If they come in contact with each other they destroy both universes.
Kirk: But why doesn't antimatter Lazarus explode in our matter universe?
Spock: Does it matter?
Kirk: Never mind.
Spock: More dilithium has been stolen.
Kirk: More dilithium has been stolen? Incontestable!
Spock: Just beam down and stop him already!
Kirk: Lazarus, come forth!
Kirk: Then I'm coming to get you.
Kirk: Hey, I thought we were on location.
Lazarus: That's only in your universe. In this universe we're on a set.
Kirk: What was that inverted color thing I passed through?
Lazarus: That was a corrider that allows you to pass through the great chasm between our universes. We must trap the alternate Lazarus in it with me.
Kirk: Lazarus, go forth.
Spock: So we trapped Lazarus fighting his evil twin for all eternity?
Kirk: Is that what happened? Incon--
Kirk: --clusive. OW!
(Spock nerve-pinches Kirk at Ludicrous Speed)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.