Space SeedBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:38 PM GMT
See Also: 'Space Seed' Episode Guide
Spock: Hey, I found a ship. It can't be an Earth ship though, since we're the first one in years.
Uhura: Captain, it's an Earth ship.
Kirk: Ha! Kirk 1, Spock 0. What kind?
Spock: Sigh...a mint-condition DY-100 class from the 1990s. A priceless artifact.
Kirk: Niiiiice. How much would it be worth if we opened it?
Spock: Absolutely nothing. Shall we proceed?
Kirk: Yes, let's.
Captain's Log: Ooh, maybe I could get Ricardo Mantalban to sign it!
Spock: Scans show the vessel to be the S.S. Botany Bay, from a tumultuous period of your history -- the mid 1990s.
Kirk: Grunge died, Hansen hit it big, Star Trek: Voyager was launched -- it's a miracle we survived at all.
Kirk: We should get our resident expert on the twentieth century. Trust me, we've got a good one.
Spock: Tom Paris?
Kirk: Even better, McGyver!
Spock: You mean Ensign McGivers.
Kirk: Close enough.
McGivers: These people are in suspended animation.
Kirk: Then why aren't there any animators hanging from the ceiling?
McGivers: Wrong derelict vessel. Anyway, this one's waking up.
Khan: Hey there, good looking!
McCoy: Scans show his body temperature and heart rate are increasing.
Kirk: Big surprise there.
Captain's Log: It looks like I'm not the male sex symbol this episode. Sob. Maybe reverse psychology would work....
Kirk: Like Khan.
Khan: I'll kill you unless you tell me where and when I am.
Khan: I changed my mind.
McCoy: Why, because I'm brave?
Khan: No, because I'm really just a big softy at heart.
Khan: I want my people revived.
Khan: How about cable and room service?
Kirk: That costs extra.
Khan: Can I at least look at your ship's full technical schematics?
Kirk: Sure, be our guests.
Spock: According to history, 90 genetic mutants went unaccounted for in the Eugenics War.
Kirk: How many people were aboard the Botany Bay?
Kirk: Wow, what an eerie coincidence. Carry on.
Khan: You're hot.
McGivers: Yes, but I was hoping we could talk about you.
Khan: I'm hot.
McGivers: I meant talk about your history.
Khan: I've always been hot.
McGivers: Sigh, never mind.
Kirk: How much does McGivers like Khan?
McCoy: A lot. Why, are you jealous?
Kirk: Yes. I love women, and I've gotta have 'em all.
McCoy: Are you confusing "women" with "pokémon"?
Kirk: No...but Raichu is a cutey.
Spock: Gee, must've sucked back then, what with all those dictators and all.
Khan: Please, we...I mean they...weren't dictators, but more like "benevolent leaders."
Spock: So you'd say that all you "benevolent leaders" were misunderstood?
Khan: Yes! Um...I mean...I'll be in my quarters if you need me.
McGivers: Can I stay?
Khan: On second thought, no
Khan: Do you want to stay?
Khan: Then you can't.
Khan: Psych! Now, help me with my diabolical ship-capturing plan.
Spock: Here he is: Khan Noonien Singh. Ruler of a quarter of the world, and the greatest of the genetically engineered tyrants.
McCoy: You're saying that it took us half the episode to determine the identity of one of the greatest tyrants in history?
Spock: Yes. Though I believe we can account for our incompetence with the extraordinary sunspot--
Kirk: Shut up.
Kirk: We know who you are.
Khan: So do I, but I've known it longer. Undeniable proof of my superiority. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have doors to break out of, redshirts to kill; you understand.
Kirk: Of course. Good day.
Khan: Now that I've beamed to my ship and revived all of you, let's do a role call. Gomez?
Kirk: Well, here we are on normal bridge duty.
Redshirt: (over the comm) Khan's escaped!
Uhura: There's nothing we can do to stop him!
Khan: (over the comm) We're draining your air supply as we speak, right Octavio?
Octavio: (over the comm) Right
Kirk: Well, here we are screwed on the bridge.
Captain's Log: GAK!
Khan: People sucked in my time. People still suck, except for me. So, even though you all suck, I need your help.
Scotty: Maybe if you were less inclined to insulting us....
Khan: Silence! Uhura, toggle the viewscreen!
Uhura: I'd never.
Khan: See? I'm forcing your Captain to watch Viper reruns!
McGivers: Ugh! I don't have to watch this, I'm leaving!
Khan: Wuss. Anyway, join me and I will spare Kirk. Don't, and you'll suffer the same fate!
Spock: I actually liked that show. Heh, that was one cool car....
Khan: Shut up! Just for that, you're next!
McGivers: Okay, you're free, but Spock is on his way with one of Khan's goons, Maurizio.
Kirk: Oh no, how do we kill a genetically enhanced goon?
McGivers: It shouldn't be that hard. Their uniform is a red jumpsuit. Oh, here they come.
Maurizio: La la la -- GAK!
Khan: (using comm) Chet, report. Chet? Felix? Tito?
Elroy: We're being flooded with anesthesia gas.
Khan: Well, screw you guys, I'm getting out of here!
Kirk: I wonder where Khan could be....
Spock: (over the comm) Khan is in engineering.
Kirk: Thanks, but that was creepy. Just for that, go to your room.
Kirk: Stop destroying my ship, you evil fiend!
Khan: I hate to be blunt. I object...ow. Ow. Ow.
Kirk: Sorry, I only caught the final word of each sentence.
Spock: (over the comm) Good work, Captain.
Kirk: Spock, no communications while you're in your room!
Captain's Log: The stage is set. Now all we need is a cinematic revival in the future.
Kirk: Court is in session. Khan, I hereby sentence you to a doomed planet.
Khan: Thank you.
Kirk: McGivers, do you want to go too?
McGivers: Sure. With a name like McGivers, I'll fit right in!
Kirk: Very well. Court dismissed.
Spock: (over the comm) Sorry Captain, but I just wanted to foreshadow Star Trek II.
Kirk: That's it, you're not getting supper either.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.