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The Trek Nation - Mudd's Women

Mudd's Women

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:32 PM GMT

See Also: 'Mudd's Women' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We're pursuing a ship. At first its crew just insulted us, but now they're really slinging mud at us.

Scotty: Our lithium circuits are starting to blow!
Kirk: Lithium? Since when did the ship run on lithium?
Scotty: Yeah, I'm di-ing to find out too.
Kirk: Use the transporter to beam them aboard. We are calling it the transporter, aren't we?
Scotty: Yep.

Mudd: Hi, my name is Walsh.
Spock: Your speaker credits say your name is Mudd.
Mudd: Who are you going to believe, the fiver or me?
Spock: Welcome abord, Mr. Walsh.
Mudd: And these are my women: Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup.
Spock: Again, the episode title is "Mudd's Women," not "Walsh's Women."
Mudd: Ahem.
Spock: Sorry, Mr. Walsh. Let me take you to the captain.

Blossom: Mr. Spock, you're so dreamy.
Spock: Whatever.
Mudd: You're either Vulcanian or gay.
Spock: Vulcanian? Lithium? Uhura in gold? CAN WE BE CONSISTENT IN ANYTHING?
Mudd: Apparently not.
Blossom: I think he's gay.
Spock: Don't feed the slashers.

Kirk: Your name is mud.
Mudd: Gasp! How'd you find out?
Kirk: Find out what, Mr. Walsh? Anyway, I'm putting you under arrest.

Scotty: That jackass and his vessel burned out all our systems.
Spock: Can we say that on TV?
Scotty: If you'd rather, I can pull a Chekov and call it a sheep.
Spock: Pull a who?
Kirk: Never mind. Let's just go to Rigel XII to get some bu-- ahem, lithium.
Spock: You were going to say butterflies, weren't you?
Kirk: Heh. No, no, of course not.

Kirk: Alright, state your name for the record.
Mudd: Leo Walsh.
Computer: Your speaker credits say your name is Mudd.
Mudd: Who are you going to believe, a computer or a man?
Kirk: Until "Court Martial", the computer.
Mudd: Well, I hate technology.
Computer: Oh, don't be such a stick-in-the-Mudd.
Mudd: That computer is really getting on my nerves!
Kirk: If you were worth your salt, you'd be able to talk the computer into self-destructing.
Mudd: Next time, maybe.
Kirk: There won't be a next time and certainly not a time after that, I'm locking you up.

Blossom: What will happen to us now that Mudd's arrested?
Kirk: Why don't you three band up and become a crime-fighting team?
Blossom: All we want are husbands.
Kirk: Oh, come on. Haven't you heard of women's lib?
Blossom: Not yet.

Buttercup: Hello, Doctor. Mind if I stand in front of your scanner?
McCoy: Of course not.
Scanner: BEEP BEEP! WOOHOO! YEAH!
McCoy: You sure know how to turn the scanner on.
Buttercup: Well, the power switch was a help.
McCoy: No, it's something more....

Kirk: Those women sure are the most attractive women ever.
McCoy: You say that about any woman.
Kirk: Yeah, but all the other males on the ship agree.
McCoy: I wonder if there's really anything special about them. Are they just sugar, spice, and everything nice, or do they have some sort of Chemical X?
Kirk: It's probably just their makeup. No wonder everyone calls them the Powderpuff Girls.

Bubbles: Oh my gosh, is that a pimple? Like, yuck.
Buttercup: Yeah, we need to get back on the Pill.

Kirk: Are you willing to sell us lithium?
Miner: Sure thing. I'm just going to write a price on this piece of paper and you tell me what you think.
Kirk: You wrote "women" with a dollar sign in front of it.
Miner: Yeah, we really want Mudd's women. They're our preciousss.
Kirk: Sorry, I don't think I should give women to miners.
Mudd: But I do!
Kirk: I thought you were confined to quarters.
Mudd: Fortunately, your doors don't have any sort of security in place.

Blossom: This planet sucks.
Miner: Actually it blows, what with the wind and all. Enough talk, why don't you do something cute and feminine.
Blossom: Like suddenly lash out at you and then run off for no apparent reason? (Runs off.)
Miner: Was it something I said?
Kirk: We have to find her! I'll search the Enterprise and you search the planet!
Miner: I think I'll win since she's still on the planet.

Miner: Ha! Found you first!
Blossom: Yeah, great. Let me cook for you...
Miner: Woohoo!
Blossom: ...and then we can have a discussion over gender roles and liberal feminism.
Miner: Crap.

Kirk: Ha! Found you!
Miner: Yeah, great. Help yourself to seconds.
Blossom: Look at me, I'm ugly now.
Kirk: Yes, yes, we know all about your beautification drug. Here, take another.
Blossom: See? Aren't I beautificated now?
Miner: Too bad it's a FAKE!
Kirk: If you're referring to the pill, you're right.

Kirk: Well, that successfully concludes that episode.
Mudd: Just one question, can you leave me stranded on the planet?
Kirk: If we run into you again, I'll consider it.
(Mudd is arrested at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.