Mudd's WomenBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:32 PM GMT
See Also: 'Mudd's Women' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: We're pursuing a ship. At first its crew just insulted us, but now they're really slinging mud at us.
Scotty: Our lithium circuits are starting to blow!
Kirk: Lithium? Since when did the ship run on lithium?
Scotty: Yeah, I'm di-ing to find out too.
Kirk: Use the transporter to beam them aboard. We are calling it the transporter, aren't we?
Mudd: Hi, my name is Walsh.
Spock: Your speaker credits say your name is Mudd.
Mudd: Who are you going to believe, the fiver or me?
Spock: Welcome abord, Mr. Walsh.
Mudd: And these are my women: Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup.
Spock: Again, the episode title is "Mudd's Women," not "Walsh's Women."
Spock: Sorry, Mr. Walsh. Let me take you to the captain.
Blossom: Mr. Spock, you're so dreamy.
Mudd: You're either Vulcanian or gay.
Spock: Vulcanian? Lithium? Uhura in gold? CAN WE BE CONSISTENT IN ANYTHING?
Mudd: Apparently not.
Blossom: I think he's gay.
Spock: Don't feed the slashers.
Kirk: Your name is mud.
Mudd: Gasp! How'd you find out?
Kirk: Find out what, Mr. Walsh? Anyway, I'm putting you under arrest.
Scotty: That jackass and his vessel burned out all our systems.
Spock: Can we say that on TV?
Scotty: If you'd rather, I can pull a Chekov and call it a sheep.
Spock: Pull a who?
Kirk: Never mind. Let's just go to Rigel XII to get some bu-- ahem, lithium.
Spock: You were going to say butterflies, weren't you?
Kirk: Heh. No, no, of course not.
Kirk: Alright, state your name for the record.
Mudd: Leo Walsh.
Computer: Your speaker credits say your name is Mudd.
Mudd: Who are you going to believe, a computer or a man?
Kirk: Until "Court Martial", the computer.
Mudd: Well, I hate technology.
Computer: Oh, don't be such a stick-in-the-Mudd.
Mudd: That computer is really getting on my nerves!
Kirk: If you were worth your salt, you'd be able to talk the computer into self-destructing.
Mudd: Next time, maybe.
Kirk: There won't be a next time and certainly not a time after that, I'm locking you up.
Blossom: What will happen to us now that Mudd's arrested?
Kirk: Why don't you three band up and become a crime-fighting team?
Blossom: All we want are husbands.
Kirk: Oh, come on. Haven't you heard of women's lib?
Blossom: Not yet.
Buttercup: Hello, Doctor. Mind if I stand in front of your scanner?
McCoy: Of course not.
Scanner: BEEP BEEP! WOOHOO! YEAH!
McCoy: You sure know how to turn the scanner on.
Buttercup: Well, the power switch was a help.
McCoy: No, it's something more....
Kirk: Those women sure are the most attractive women ever.
McCoy: You say that about any woman.
Kirk: Yeah, but all the other males on the ship agree.
McCoy: I wonder if there's really anything special about them. Are they just sugar, spice, and everything nice, or do they have some sort of Chemical X?
Kirk: It's probably just their makeup. No wonder everyone calls them the Powderpuff Girls.
Bubbles: Oh my gosh, is that a pimple? Like, yuck.
Buttercup: Yeah, we need to get back on the Pill.
Kirk: Are you willing to sell us lithium?
Miner: Sure thing. I'm just going to write a price on this piece of paper and you tell me what you think.
Kirk: You wrote "women" with a dollar sign in front of it.
Miner: Yeah, we really want Mudd's women. They're our preciousss.
Kirk: Sorry, I don't think I should give women to miners.
Mudd: But I do!
Kirk: I thought you were confined to quarters.
Mudd: Fortunately, your doors don't have any sort of security in place.
Blossom: This planet sucks.
Miner: Actually it blows, what with the wind and all. Enough talk, why don't you do something cute and feminine.
Blossom: Like suddenly lash out at you and then run off for no apparent reason? (Runs off.)
Miner: Was it something I said?
Kirk: We have to find her! I'll search the Enterprise and you search the planet!
Miner: I think I'll win since she's still on the planet.
Miner: Ha! Found you first!
Blossom: Yeah, great. Let me cook for you...
Blossom: ...and then we can have a discussion over gender roles and liberal feminism.
Kirk: Ha! Found you!
Miner: Yeah, great. Help yourself to seconds.
Blossom: Look at me, I'm ugly now.
Kirk: Yes, yes, we know all about your beautification drug. Here, take another.
Blossom: See? Aren't I beautificated now?
Miner: Too bad it's a FAKE!
Kirk: If you're referring to the pill, you're right.
Kirk: Well, that successfully concludes that episode.
Mudd: Just one question, can you leave me stranded on the planet?
Kirk: If we run into you again, I'll consider it.
(Mudd is arrested at Ludicrous Speed.)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.