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The Trek Nation - Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:02 PM GMT

See Also: 'Let That Be Your Last Battlefield' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We will soon begin "Operation Detox." Once we reach the planet Ariannus, we shall commence decontamination by rubbing a special gel all over its --
Chekov: I believe that incoming craft is a Federation shuttle.
Spock: Of course it is, you dip!
Kirk: Let's bring it aboard.
Spock: But Captain, it might be dangerous.
Kirk: Who do I look like, Captain Esteban? Let's open it up and see what's inside already.

Kirk: We'll just open the shuttlebay doors and -- AHH! Creepy half-black, half-white alien! What do we do?
Spock: Remain calm and remember this episode is about racial tolerance.
Kirk: I dunno...real aliens are just one color....
Spock: Jim!
Kirk: Sorry.

McCoy: He's a mutant, a genetic curiosity.
Spock: I concur.
Kirk: Oh, now who's being intolerant?
Spock: I merely --
Kirk: Yipes! Its coming around!
Lokai: I didn't do it, I swear!
Kirk: We know it was you who stole the shuttlecraft.
Lokai: No, I mean I'm not responsible for my appearance, it's natural, I swear!
McCoy: Riiight.
Lokai: Shut up.

Chekov: Invisible ship approaching -- it's comin' right for us!
Kirk: Settle down, Jimbo. Explanation?
Spock: Jeez, after how many cloaking device episodes?
Chekov: It disintegrated and beamed aboard a --
Bele: Boo!
Kirk: Aaaa! Another one!
Spock: Another mutant? A couple more and four bandanas and we could have a hit cartoon on our hands....
Bele: Gimme Lokai.
Kirk: You're new to this, aren't you? We don't just give away our visitors.
Bele: I'll ro-sham-bo ya for him....
Kirk: That's quite alright, we've already done a South Park joke this scene.

Lokai: I spit at your superiority.
Bele: I look down on your inferiority.
Lokai: I give a raspberry to your authority.
Bele: I perform a noogie on your rebelliousness.
Kirk: I get the impression this isn't going to settle anything, so why don't I escort Bele to his quarters?
Bele: I play patty-cakes with --
Kirk: C'mon already.

Chekov: The ship's off course!
Kirk: What do I look like, the helmsman?
Chekov: But I can't get it back on course!
Kirk: Well that's what you get for trying to do Sulu's job.

Bele: The ship is mine, I control it now. Off to Cheron we go.
Lokai: Do something!
Kirk: What do I look like, the Captain?
All: (blank stares)
Kirk: Alright, alright. Computer, blow the ship up.
Computer: 10...9...8...6....
Bele: 6? What happened to 7?
Computer: Just kidding....
Bele: Grrr...you win Kirk, the ship is yours.
Kirk: Of course it is, I've got the deed right...hey, give it back too.
Bele: Aw.

Lokai: I say rise up and defy your oppressors...er...defiantly!
Sulu: But we have no oppressors.
Lokai: No? What about the man?
Chekov: You mean the Captain?
Lokai: Sigh. I knew that joke would be lost on you two.

Bele: ...so you see, Lokai is inferior to myself because I'm black on the right side.
Spock: And he's black on the wrong side?
Bele: No, he's white on the wrong side.
Kirk: He's right on the wrong side?
Bele: No, no, no! He's white --as in light-- on the wrong side.
Kirk: He's wrong on the light side?
Bele: Yes...I mean...never mind.

Scotty: Sir, we're ready to commence 'Operation Detox'.
Kirk: (over the comm) Ooh, I've really been looking forward to this.
Scotty: Aye. Commencing n-- on second thought, let's just leave this part to reader imagination....

Captain's Log: Woo, was that ever fun...well, now that it's over, I guess we're just off to Starbase 4.

Bele: Hua! Hua! I have burned out your computer, I control the ship once more!
Kirk: But I've still got the de-- hey! How do you keep pilfering that?

Lokai: You can't let him steal your prisoner, kill him!
Kirk: Mmm....
Bele: Don't tell me you're taking his request under consideration?
Kirk: No, it's just that the way you two are standing, I'm reminded of an Oreo cookie. Mmm, double stuff....
Spock: Sir, coming into visual range of Cheron now. It appears everyone on the planet killed everyone else.
Lokai: MURDERERS!
Bele: TYRANTS!
Kirk: I can feel the good in you, let go of your hate!
Lokai and Bele: It is... too late for us.

Spock: Captain, they've chased each other through the halls and beamed down to the planet.
Kirk: Whew, glad to get rid of those two. I was getting hungry.
Spock: This is where we take note of the destructiveness of hate, right?
Kirk: Yes, of course. Because we all know it's impossible to go wrong with the light side.
Spock: I'm not quite sure how to argue with that.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.