Is There in Truth no Beauty?By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:01 PM GMT
See Also: 'Is There in Truth no Beauty?' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: To arms! To arms! The Medusans are coming --
Spock: Actually, Medusans don't have arms.
Kirk: Don't interrupt. (ahem) As I was saying,
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
Kirk: So what's so special about the Medusans anyway? Do they turn you to stone?
Marvick: No, they drive you crazy.
Kirk: I don't need a Medusan for that; I've got Chekov!
Marvick: No, no. Their ugliness causes you to go mad.
Kirk: Oh. Never mind, then.
Spock: Welcome aboard, Ambassador and Dr. Jones.
Jones: What's that printed on your visor?
Spock: "Kollos is a loother." It's a poor attempt at inter-fiver humor.
Kirk: So you were born a telepath? And you're not Betazoid?
Jones: Yes, but I've suffered the Tam Elbrun syndrome anyway.
Kirk: Sigh. Next you'll tell me Kollos is Tin Man, won't you?
Jones: There is something evil here! Evil! Eeevil! EEEEEVILLLL! Red rum! Red rum!
Kirk: We are just re-using lines and concepts left and right, aren't we?
Jones: It's the third season, what did you expect?
Marvick: Man, that dinner sucked.
Jones: I liked it.
Marvick: Oh, you did? Me too!
Jones: You're very shallow. You're nothing like Kollos.
Marvick: Die, Kollos!
Kollos: Go insane, human!
Marvick: AAAH! It's Miranda! Don't love her! She'll kill you!
Kirk: You're insane, Marvick.
Marvick: Miranda, I love you. GAK! (dies)
Kirk: Okay. That was just disturbing.
Sulu: Well, we're past the outside of the galaxy again.
Kirk: We do this about once a season, don't we?
Kirk: So how do we get back to where we were?
Spock: The Medusans are inate navigators; perhaps we can get Kollos to fly us out.
Kirk: Heck, if he'll do that, I'll stop calling him a loother.
Kirk: Miranda, are you sure you want to go away and never see humans again? What about love?
Jones: I used to think about love, but one day a little kid said "No time for love, Dr. Jones" and that changed my life.
Kirk: Did you watch Indiana Jones movies often?
Jones: Yes. I mean, um, no. Never.
Jones: Spock can't join with Kollos! I want to join with Kollos! I'll fly the Enterprise out of the void!
McCoy: Unfortunately, blind people can't pilot the Enterprise.
Jones: Well, one day we will!
McCoy: Uh-huh. Suuuure, you will. And after that happens, I'll let you be chief medical officer of the Enterprise.
Jones: I'm holding you to that.
Kollos/Spock: I am Spollos! I'm far cooler than Tuvix.
Kirk: I really couldn't care less. Now pilot us out of here.
Kollos/Spock: This whole "having a body" thing is pretty neat.
Kirk: I think it's time for you to separate.
Kollos/Spock: But what about the ethical implications of separating a merged lifeform like me?
Kirk: I'll leave that for Voyager to decide.
Kollos/Spock: You're no fun at all.
Sulu: Hey, isn't that Spock's visor?
Kirk: (reading) "Kollos is a loother." Yep, it's Spock's alright.
Sulu: Shouldn't he have it on?
Kirk: Probably, but what's the worst that could happen? There're only a few more minutes left of the episode.
Jones: I don't know if he's going to make it. You might as well give him his Last Rites.
Kirk: Maybe I should read you your rights, Miranda. You want Spock to die because your jealous of him and his Vulcan coolness.
Jones: That's a lie!
Kirk: No, it's the truth, beautiful.
Jones: Okay. I'll heal him.
Spock: Goodbye, Dr. Jones.
Jones: Bye, Spock. I've joined with Kollos.
Spock: What are you going to do now?
Jones: I'm going to take these visors you've been wearing and make better ones that will enable blind people to see well enough to pilot starships.
Spock: You really want that CMO position, don't you?
Jones: Um, no?
(Dr. Jones and Kollos beam down at Ludicrous Speed.)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.