Bread and CircusesBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:00 PM GMT
See Also: 'Bread and Circuses' Episode Guide
Sulu: Oooh! Look! A planet!
Kirk: Spock, we need an excuse to beam down there.
Spock: It just so happens that a ship was destroyed and its passengers must have escaped to the planet.
Kirk: Excellent. Uhura, what are these people like?
Uhura: They seem to be the human counterparts to Romulans.
Kirk: Well, that sounds harmless enough. Let's beam down.
Kirk: Spock, you beamed us down to the middle of nowhere.
Spock: No, Captain. The middle of nowhere is just over there.
Kirk: Whatever. Just remember, obey the Prime Directive.
McCoy: Do no harm?
Kirk: No, the Prime Directive!
McCoy: Always be prepared?
Kirk: Didn't you watch TNG? It's all they ever talked about!
Believers: We love Jesus; yes, we do! We love Jesus; how 'bout you?
Flavius: Hence! Home, you idle creatures get you home: Is this a holiday? What? Know you not, being mechanical, you ought not walk upon a labouring day without the sign of your profession?
Kirk: Huh? We're not mechanical. Who are you?
Flavius: We're son worshippers. Remember that. There will be a quiz later.
Kirk: You know, the twist ending loses something when we see it in text.
Flavius: Well, pretend you're reading 'sun' and not 'son' anyway.
Bornaghin: I am born again. Et tu?
Kirk: Nice to meet you, Bornaghin. I'm Kirk.
Flavius: I say we kill them.
Bornaghin: Peace; be still. Remember to turn the other cheek and love your enemies.
Kirk: There's something very familiar about this.
Kirk: Can you help us, Bornaghin?
Bornaghin: What do we believe in?
Kirk: Is this the quiz? Do we really have to do this?
Bornaghin: Yes! Tell me what we believe in!
Kirk: Jesus Christ! The sun. You believe in the sun!
Bornaghin: I couldn't have said it better myself. You can take Flavius Redshirtus with you.
Captain's Log: Whoops. We got captured.
Kirk: Well, while we're sitting here in jail, you can tell us more about this weird sun obsession of yours. I don't recall anything like it in our Roman mythology.
Flavius: It's not Roman, it's Jewish. Long ago, the son took on our form and taught us to love one another. However, some people didn't like him calling himself God, so they killed him, but he came back to life, and now we follow him.
Kirk: Still not ringing any bells.
McCoy: It's illogical that this belief in the sun should be the only difference between these human Romulans and our past Roman history.
Spock: Oh, don't even pretend to be logical. You're not worthy.
McCoy: Logic! Logic! Logiclogiclogiclogiclogiclogiclogic!
Spock: Yeah? Well, you're a sucky doctor!
McCoy: Maybe so, but I'm a logical sucky doctor!
Spock: Are not!
McCoy: Am too!
Kirk: Alright, you two! Give it a rest!
McCoy: He's trying to choke me!
Kirk: A rest, Spock! Not a wrest!
Claudius Marcus: Welcome to our planet. You must be proud of your friend Merik for finding it.
Kirk: I come to bury Merik, not to praise him.
Marcus: Ah! Now here is an honourable man.
Merik: I'm getting a bad feeling about this. (looks at calendar) Crap! March 15!
Marcus: So you have a Prime Directive that states that you will not interfere in a world's development no matter what the cost, right?
Marcus: And no Starfleet captain ever breaks it, right?
Kirk: This is your first time watching Star Trek, isn't it?
Marcus: And you swear you'll die before breaking it, right?
Kirk: Janeway would've died within the first season. Come to think of it, so would've I.
Marcus: I hope you enjoy watching your friends die.
Kirk: Actually, this is kind of entertaining! Hey, Centurion! Go for the ears!
Flavius: You fight like a girl!
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a Klingon!
Flavius: Hey, don't take it personally! Get a grip!
Spock: Don't mind if I do. How about the neck area?
Flavius: (nerve-pinched) Et tu, Spock? Then fall Flavius.
McCoy: Thanks for saving me, Spock.
Spock: No problem, wimp.
McCoy: I'm sorry for getting into an argument with you earlier.
Spock: Yeah, you are pretty sorry.
McCoy: Hey, I'm trying to be good, but you keep twisting everything I say to be an insult!
Spock: It's not my fault you're so pathetic!
McCoy: Am not!
Spock: Are too....
Drusilla: I wonder, what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?
Kirk: Nothing. I wish to be alone.
Drusilla: I see you. You're a man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory... That and burning baby fish swimming all round your head.
Kirk: You're not a vampire, are you?
Drusilla: What makes you say that?
Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Kirk: You can't see the stars; that's the ceiling. Also, it's day.
Ship's Log: Hi, everybody! This is Scotty. We've been kind of bored up here so we decided to blow up some power generators. Hopefully the explosions will be cool.
Kirk: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream....
Marcus: No, it's not.
Marcus: You stole a communicator! Merik, see if it's on his person.
Marcus: You know, if you'd actually frisk him and then tell me no, it's much less suspicious.
Marcus: Are we live? All right, kill Kirk!
Flavius: Don't worry, Kirk. I'll about and drive away the vulgar from the streets!
Kirk: Look, just because Flavius was a character in Julius Caesar, doesn't mean you have to go around quoting his lines!
Kirk: That looks like my cue to leave.
Marcus: Crap! Go to commercial!
McCoy: ...Am not!
Spock: Are too!
Kirk: Geez, how long have you two been at it?
Spock: Eight hours, forty-sev--
Kirk: Never mind. Let's get the hell out of here before the guards get here and say --
Guards: We've got you surrounded!
Merik: Ha! See, it was I who stole the communicator! Merik to Enterprise, three to beam up!
Kirk: Why didn't you include yourself in that order?
Merik: We've already established I'm not smart. I don't even realize I'm about to be stabbed by Marcus. GAK!
Kirk: That is pretty dumb.
Kirk: Ah, it's good to be back on the Enterprise.
Spock: Yeah, but we still haven't unravelled the mystery about the sun worshippers.
Uhura: Are you still so dull? They were talking about Jesus.
Kirk: Ah, yes. "Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's."
McCoy: I don't think that verse makes any sense in this context.
Kirk: Shut up.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.