Time SquaredBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:15 PM GMT
See Also: 'Time Squared' Episode Guide
La Forge: Uh...frankly, it tastes terrible.
Riker: When I cooked eggs for my father I always made them this way.
Pulaski: Why did you cook for a man you've always hated so much?
Riker: It was a way to get even with him.
Picard: (over the comm) Picard to Shuttlebay Two. Status report.
Riker: We've just recovered that drifting shuttlepod we found.
Picard: So tell me who's inside it. I'm beside myself with curiosity.
Riker: Funny you should put it that way, sir.
Troi: I'm not sure what I'm feeling and I'm not sure how to phrase it but I'm sure he's you.
Picard: Doctor, what's your opinion?
Pulaski: It's all very confusing.
Picard: Your tricorder readings?
Pulaski: No, her explanation.
Riker: Sir, notice these dark smudges on the shuttle's hull?
Picard: They look like residue from an out-of-range antimatter explosion.
Riker: They look like plain old soot stains to me.
Picard: Now you know why I get paid more than you do.
Pulaski: I still haven't figured out where your duplicate came from, sir.
Troi: Could he be some sort of Romulan clone of the Captain?
Picard: I want plausible hypotheses, not ridiculous speculation!
La Forge: (over the comm) Sir, the other you is from six hours in the future.
Picard: Okay, that I'll buy.
La Forge: We've discovered that the Captain will abandon the Enterprise just before we get destroyed.
Worf: How dare you accuse him of such cowardice?
La Forge: Listen to this entry from the shuttle's log.
Recorded Voice: And I only am escaped alone to tell thee....
Riker: How do we know that's really the Captain?
Data: It is a quotation from Moby Dick.
Worf: Is it possible that we are stuck in a cause-and-effect loop where we keep blowing up over and over again?
La Forge: Nah. If we were, we'd be experiencing déjà vu. That hasn't occured yet.
Picard: Well, either way, we must avoid repeating the fatal mistake we're going to make.
Troi: And the Doctor says that my explanations are confusing?
Pulaski: If the stress of this situation impairs the Captain's judgment, I'll have to relieve him of command.
Troi: And just where will we get a replacement for him?
Pulaski: Right here in this Sickbay, of course.
Troi: Forget it. I'm still studying for my Basic Helm Certification exams.
Worf: A temporal vortex has just opened below the Enterprise!
Picard: Are any obsolete Federation starships emerging from it?
Worf: No, this vortex pulls the other way.
Riker: Good. Uh -- no, wait a minute....
Picard: This vortex is sentient and it wants me.
Riker: What makes you say that?
Picard: (hurled into a bulkhead) Ooof!
Riker: Geordi, did you forget to put anti-static spray on the carpets?
Picard: I must get to the Shuttlebay!
Picard: No. Only a fool would fly into that vortex.
Picard: Speak for yourself.
Picard: That's what I'm doing!
Picard: There has to be another option. Tell me what it is!
Picard: Can't you figure it out on your own?
Picard: Must I do everything around here?
Picard: Stop! Don't get into that shuttle!
(Picard shoots Picard with a phaser)
Picard: Boy, do I hope that the right one of us is still alive....
Pulaski: The Captain is dead.
O'Brien: Does that mean we all move up in rank?
Picard: Set course for the centre of the vortex!
Data: Course set. (WHOOSH!) We are now free of the phenomenon.
Riker: Congratulations, sir. It worked.
Picard: Thank goodness. If it hadn't, I never would have been able to face myself again.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.