Thine Own Self By MmeBlueberry
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:32 PM GMT

See Also: 'Thine Own Self' Episode Guide

Data: It says "radioactive."
Garvin: What's that supposed to mean?
Data: What do you think I am, a walking dictionary?

Troi: To test, or not to test -- that is the question.
Riker: Quoting Shakespeare won't make you a Bridge officer, no matter what Picard says.

Talur: Your skin is very pale, so you must not spend much time in the sun.
Data: That would be an accurate assumption.
Talur: My grandmother would have thought you were a demon of some sort, but I know better: You are a vampire.

Skoran: This looks like a precious metal of some sort. Where did you find it, Vampire?
Garvin: We're calling him Jayden, which means "spontaneously emitting energetic particles."
Skoran: Well, it's not great, but it sure beats "Mr. Radioactive."

Apprentice: OW!
Skoran: Just a minute -- I'll get the lever. I lose more apprentices this way....
Data: (lifts anvil) I believe the anvil fell because of shoddy workmanship.You should avoid ordering from this "Acme Corporation" in the future.
Garvin: Jayden, put it down.
Apprentice: OW!

Talur: Garvin, you don't look so good.
Garvin: Pbbt, I feel fine.
Talur: You don't smell so good, either. I think you're sick.
Garvin: Nonsense!
Talur: Then why are there two puncture marks on your neck?

Gia: I don't blame you for not eating father's cooking. It's awful.
Data: Why doesn't your mother cook?
Gia: She died a year ago. Father says she went to a beautiful place, where they seek out new life and new civilizations, where she can boldly go where no one has gone before. Do you believe such a place exists?
Data: No, those are just children's stories.

Geordi: We have lost touch with the rest of the ship.
Worf: And everything down here is falling apart.
Troi: And that's...bad, right?
Riker: You fail.

Talur: So the five basic elements are earth, fire, wind, water, and heart. And when these elements combine, we have Captain Planet!
Data: Not one of those elements is on the periodic table, which is divided based on atomic mass and valence electrons. Everyone knows that.
Talur: We'll trust your opinions once you figure out what "radioactive" means.
Data: With all the big words I do know, why must you fixate on the one I do not?

Gia: What's wrong with father? He never wants to go outside any more -- at least, not during the day.
Talur: It looks like he's been burned with a cross as well.
Garvin: Blood! Blood!
Talur: Ah, I see. The blood in his body has been overheated and needs to be cooled down using these herbs. Thank you for your assistance, Garvin.

Gia: What are you going to do with all this pig's blood, Jayden?
Data: Well, I --
Skoran: There he is! Before he came, we could enter other people's houses without being invited. It's all his fault!
Data: Gia, let's go home. They won't be able to follow us there.

Troi: The techno-bone's connected to the babble-bone; the babble-bone's connected --
Riker: Sorry, I have to cancel your test.
Troi: What? But I almost had the whole song memorized!
Riker: The crew took a vote, and we decided we're all better than you, so you can just stop trying.
Troi: You would choose the crew over me?
Riker: As a Commander, I must be true to mine own ship.

Troi: Computer, run Bridge Officer's Test, Engineering Qualification.
Computer: Ready to reaffirm your inferiority on your command.
Troi: Okay, today is a good day to die for....
Worf: Ooh, pick me! Pick me!
Troi: ...Geordi.
Geordi: Crap.
Worf: Crap.
Computer: Crap.

Data: Talur, look at this! The rocks glow, just like a lamp. And I believe they may be making everyone sick.
Talur: So do you think that's what "radioactive" means -- glowing rocks that make people sick?
Data: No, you lunkhead, the word for that is "kryptonite."

Skoran: You're the cause of all this, Vampire!
Data: If you are referring to the illness, you are partially correct, but you may want to examine my data in detail.
Skoran: Forget details. We want to hit you in deface.

Data: Gia, wake up! I have good news!
Gia: You found a cure for the disease?
Data: Not yet, but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

Data: Oh look, the well. Let me take my sweet time pouring the holy water into it so that people can come and find me before I accomplish my task.
Skoran: Die, you vampire scum! How does this feel? (STAKE)
Data: Could be worse. If it'd been made out of wood, you -- GAK!

Crusher: Excuse me, little girl, have you seen our friend?
Riker: He's a very intelligent man, but he has no idea what "radioactive" means.
Gia: Yes, I knew him. We killed him, because we thought he was a vampire. But he didn't turn to dust, so I guess we were wrong.

Picard: I'm glad we were able to beam you back safely,
Data. What's the last thing you remember?
Data: "His nose should pant, and his lip should" -- hey, why is Counsellor Troi wearing three pips?
Riker: We promoted her to Commander while you were gone.
Data: I hope she understands that though she now outranks me, I am still better than she is.
(Troi huffs off to the Bridge at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

MmeBlueberry is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.