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The Trek Nation - Thine Own Self

Thine Own Self

By MmeBlueberry
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:32 PM GMT

See Also: 'Thine Own Self' Episode Guide

Data: It says "radioactive."
Garvin: What's that supposed to mean?
Data: What do you think I am, a walking dictionary?

Troi: To test, or not to test -- that is the question.
Riker: Quoting Shakespeare won't make you a Bridge officer, no matter what Picard says.

Talur: Your skin is very pale, so you must not spend much time in the sun.
Data: That would be an accurate assumption.
Talur: My grandmother would have thought you were a demon of some sort, but I know better: You are a vampire.

Skoran: This looks like a precious metal of some sort. Where did you find it, Vampire?
Garvin: We're calling him Jayden, which means "spontaneously emitting energetic particles."
Skoran: Well, it's not great, but it sure beats "Mr. Radioactive."

Apprentice: OW!
Skoran: Just a minute -- I'll get the lever. I lose more apprentices this way....
Data: (lifts anvil) I believe the anvil fell because of shoddy workmanship.You should avoid ordering from this "Acme Corporation" in the future.
Garvin: Jayden, put it down.
Apprentice: OW!

Talur: Garvin, you don't look so good.
Garvin: Pbbt, I feel fine.
Talur: You don't smell so good, either. I think you're sick.
Garvin: Nonsense!
Talur: Then why are there two puncture marks on your neck?

Gia: I don't blame you for not eating father's cooking. It's awful.
Data: Why doesn't your mother cook?
Gia: She died a year ago. Father says she went to a beautiful place, where they seek out new life and new civilizations, where she can boldly go where no one has gone before. Do you believe such a place exists?
Data: No, those are just children's stories.

Geordi: We have lost touch with the rest of the ship.
Worf: And everything down here is falling apart.
Troi: And that's...bad, right?
Riker: You fail.

Talur: So the five basic elements are earth, fire, wind, water, and heart. And when these elements combine, we have Captain Planet!
Data: Not one of those elements is on the periodic table, which is divided based on atomic mass and valence electrons. Everyone knows that.
Talur: We'll trust your opinions once you figure out what "radioactive" means.
Data: With all the big words I do know, why must you fixate on the one I do not?

Gia: What's wrong with father? He never wants to go outside any more -- at least, not during the day.
Talur: It looks like he's been burned with a cross as well.
Garvin: Blood! Blood!
Talur: Ah, I see. The blood in his body has been overheated and needs to be cooled down using these herbs. Thank you for your assistance, Garvin.

Gia: What are you going to do with all this pig's blood, Jayden?
Data: Well, I --
Skoran: There he is! Before he came, we could enter other people's houses without being invited. It's all his fault!
Data: Gia, let's go home. They won't be able to follow us there.

Troi: The techno-bone's connected to the babble-bone; the babble-bone's connected --
Riker: Sorry, I have to cancel your test.
Troi: What? But I almost had the whole song memorized!
Riker: The crew took a vote, and we decided we're all better than you, so you can just stop trying.
Troi: You would choose the crew over me?
Riker: As a Commander, I must be true to mine own ship.

Troi: Computer, run Bridge Officer's Test, Engineering Qualification.
Computer: Ready to reaffirm your inferiority on your command.
Troi: Okay, today is a good day to die for....
Worf: Ooh, pick me! Pick me!
Troi: ...Geordi.
Geordi: Crap.
Worf: Crap.
Computer: Crap.

Data: Talur, look at this! The rocks glow, just like a lamp. And I believe they may be making everyone sick.
Talur: So do you think that's what "radioactive" means -- glowing rocks that make people sick?
Data: No, you lunkhead, the word for that is "kryptonite."

Skoran: You're the cause of all this, Vampire!
Data: If you are referring to the illness, you are partially correct, but you may want to examine my data in detail.
Skoran: Forget details. We want to hit you in deface.

Data: Gia, wake up! I have good news!
Gia: You found a cure for the disease?
Data: Not yet, but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

Data: Oh look, the well. Let me take my sweet time pouring the holy water into it so that people can come and find me before I accomplish my task.
Skoran: Die, you vampire scum! How does this feel? (STAKE)
Data: Could be worse. If it'd been made out of wood, you -- GAK!

Crusher: Excuse me, little girl, have you seen our friend?
Riker: He's a very intelligent man, but he has no idea what "radioactive" means.
Gia: Yes, I knew him. We killed him, because we thought he was a vampire. But he didn't turn to dust, so I guess we were wrong.

Picard: I'm glad we were able to beam you back safely,
Data. What's the last thing you remember?
Data: "His nose should pant, and his lip should" -- hey, why is Counsellor Troi wearing three pips?
Riker: We promoted her to Commander while you were gone.
Data: I hope she understands that though she now outranks me, I am still better than she is.
(Troi huffs off to the Bridge at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


MmeBlueberry is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.