The SurvivorsBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:17 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Survivors' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: Oooo! A mysterious distress call from a colony under attack! I'm soooo scared!
Riker: You're not being sarcastic, are you?
Picard: Shut up.
Troi: I don't sense anything.
Riker: Oh, big surprise.
Data: Actually, she's right for once. Everybody's dead.
Picard: Oh, great. Now what are we going to do for an hour?
Wesley: Don't worry. I bet we'll find some people who are still alive.
Picard: Really? Oh, right -- the title.
Riker: Quick, let's go inside the house before we look around and -- Oof!
La Forge: Don't worry, Commander, we'll cut you down.
Worf: Nah, leave him. Maybe this way some blood will actually get to his brain.
Kevin: Hmm...my primitive trap and broken phaser failed to scare you off.
Worf: You're either really brave or really stupid.
Riker: Hey, he reminds me of you. Except for the "really brave" part.
Music: La la la la la la la.
Troi: Why do I have the feeling this is going to make me even more useless than usual?
Picard: Mr. Worf, you're sure that the aliens who attacked the colony are gone?
Worf: Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever.
Troi: I've got this music stuck in my head.
Picard: That happened to me once with "Alouette." That song's catchy.
Troi: It's not the same thing. Mine is telepathic in origin...sir?
Picard: Alouette, gentille Alouette...Alouette, je te plumerai....
Riker: Oh no! The ship that destroyed the colony is back!
Picard: What? Worf, did you actually check to see if they were gone?
Worf: I was doing a crossword puzzle. What's a four-letter word for "useless telepath"?
Wesley: We can't catch the alien ship, sir.
Picard: Yawn. Let's go back and see if the planet is more interesting.
Crusher: Are you still hearing that same music?
Troi: No, it's much worse -- now I've got "Alouette" stuck in my head.
Rishon: Would you like something to drink?
Picard: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
Rishon: Sorry, we don't have any Earl Grey. I can't stand the stuff. What about another kind?
Picard: Well, all right...but only because I want to see Worf drink from a teacup. Hee hee hee!
Riker: Sir, that ship is back and they're kicking the crap out of us again.
Picard: What the...? Worf, how did they get our shields down so easily?
Worf: What's a six-letter word for "annoying prodigy"?
Picard: Never mind. Let's run for it like the chickens we are, then come back when it's safe again.
Riker: Well, at least you're not surrendering.
Picard: Oh, goody. Here comes that ship again! Let's do nothing.
Riker: But Captain --
Picard: Shut up, Riker. I have my reasons.
Data: The house has been destroyed.
Picard: Good. That'll teach them to talk that way about my Earl Grey tea.
Riker: Captain, why are we still waiting around?
Picard: We're still here? I thought I said "engage" hours ago.
La Forge: Wow! Their house magically reappeared! How did you know that, Captain?
Picard: They survived? Blast! I mean, uh, it was my brilliant deductive skills.
Picard: Time for the exposition. (Ahem) That guy's a big freaky alien!
Riker: Well, that could have been handled better.
Picard: Fine. Next time, you can do the big reveal.
Riker: Thanks. I think I will.
Kevin: By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter, but by night I'm an intergalactic super alien.
Crusher: Oh, that's original.
Picard: Why did you keep trying to trick us?
Kevin: Well, duh -- it would have been a pretty short episode if I hadn't given you guys something to do.
Crusher: Well, at least everything's back to normal now.
Troi: Alouette, gentille Alouette....
Picard: Where's my Earl Grey tea?
Crusher: I guess I'll have to do it myself. Crusher to the bridge: Engage!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.