The Neutral ZoneBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:11 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Neutral Zone' Episode Guide
Data: (over the comm) Frozen people, sir. May we return to the ship with them?
Riker: No. They could be dangerous genetically-engineered supermen.
Data: One of them is the most icy naked blonde I have ever seen.
Riker: Bring 'em aboard.
Picard: Several Federation outposts near the Neutral Zone have been destroyed.
Riker: Are the Romulans testing us again after being silent for so long?
Picard: We must assume so. Counselor, can you draw me up a full profile of a typical Romulan?
Troi: I'm not much of a sketch artist, sir, but I'll do my best.
Picard: A psychological profile, if you please.
Crusher: Data beamed some frozen dead people aboard.
Picard: He what?
Crusher: I thawed them out.
Picard: You what?
Crusher: And I cured their illnesses to bring them back to life.
Picard: You WHAT?
Crusher: Jean-Luc, I think I should give you a hearing exam.
Picard: Why would anyone want to be put in cryonic suspension after they died?
Crusher: In the hope of being revived. People in those days were terrified of death.
Picard: Hmpf! I'm glad we modern humans no longer have such childish fears.
Crusher: (picking up an instrument) Me too. Now let me check those ears of yours.
Picard: Don't come near me with that thing!
Picard: Data, why didn't you leave those three bodies where they were?
Data: Letting their capsule disintegrate would have violated my ethical subroutines.
Picard: But they were already dead! What difference would it have made?
Data: I had no problem with them resting in peace, sir. It's the "resting in pieces" scenario that bothered me.
Ralph Offenhouse: Could I see today's issue of the Wall Street Journal?
Riker: I'm afraid that we don't carry it.
Offenhouse: Well get a copy somewhere! I want to find out how my Enron stock's been doing since 1999.
Troi: Romulans usually think like master chess players.
Picard: Hmm. That means I should treat any encounter with them like a poker game.
Troi: Actually, I was going to suggest tiddlywinks.
Data: Would you care for some replicated pecan pie?
L.Q. "Sonny" Clemonds: Gee, I dunno -- this here hunk o' pie looks like resequenced protein. Don't y'all have a chef on board?
Clare Raymond: Boo-hoo! I miss my kids!
Picard: If you like, you're welcome to borrow Wesley Crusher until he grows up.
Sonny: I need some uppers for the morning and some downers for the evening.
Crusher: Here's a prescription for ice-cold showers and steamed milk with nutmeg.
Sonny: I had something stronger in mind, if ya catch my drift.
Crusher: Sorry, but "Janeway Blend" coffee and Data's poetry are both controlled substances.
Worf: The entire outpost seems to have been scooped off the planet's surface.
Picard: Could the Romulans have developed an advanced form of suction-cup technology?
Data: Of the required size and power, sir? Unlikely.
Riker: Then who's responsible? I'd settle for a guess at this point.
Picard: Irrelevant. Without more facts, speculation is futile.
Worf: Sensors indicate an unidentified disturbance is approaching!
Offenhouse: (entering the Bridge) Picard, I want a word with you right now!
Picard: Mr. Worf, arm the main phasers.
Picard: Come in, Romulan vessel. This is Captain Picard of the Enterprise.
Tebok: Greetings, human. We despise you.
Picard: If that's the case, let's dispense with the formalities.
Thei: And our ship is much bigger than yours, too.
Picard: Since we've both lost outposts, let's cooperate by sharing future information on these mysterious attacks.
Thei: Notwithstanding our superiority, we agree.
Worf: Captain, beware of Romulans bearing gifts!
Tebok: How curious -- we Romulans say the same thing about the Cardassians.
Worf: Different bottles, same ale.
Picard: The starship Charleston will have you back on Earth in just a few months.
Clare: Will that be enough time for us to get ready to live in this century?
Picard: That depends. What do you plan to do when you get home?
Clare: I was thinking of starting a monthly series of cooking, gardening and home-decoration holoprograms.
Sonny: And I've been booked to star in the first interstellar Elvis Presley revival tour in two hundred years.
Offenhouse: As for me, I'm already in discussions about leading a high-level trade delegation to the Ferengi homeworld.
Picard: Then the real question, madam, is whether our century is ready for the three of you.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.