The HostBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:32 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Host' Episode Guide
Ambassador Odan: (smooch!)
Data: Am I interrupting anything?
Odan: We were, um, discussing my upcoming mediation efforts on Peliar Zel.
Data: Then the information I bring you comes at a critical juncture.
Crusher: Five more minutes and I would have said yes.
Crusher: Why do you keep calling me "Doctor Beverly"? Don't Trills understand the concept of first and last names?
Odan: Yes, but you'd never believe how the naming system works on our planet.
Crusher: Is that why you keep calling your famous father, "Ambassador Odan I, The Prequel"?
Odan: It beats referring to myself as a sequel, wouldn't you agree?
Governor Leka: The current dispute between our two moons has become a full-blown crisis. How to you plan to resolve it?
Odan: In the same way my father resolved their last dispute -- by treating the two sides like squabbling children.
Leka: But that was decades ago. Now they are more like squabbling adolescents.
Odan: Then that could be a problem.
Troi: Beverly, are you sure your feelings for Odan aren't just an infatuation?
Beverly: I don't think they are -- though I admit that I do have a weakness for men with long, dark, wavy hair.
Troi: Or none at all?
Beverly: Hah! Have I ever shown the slightest interest in Mr. Mot?
Troi: Your denials would be a lot more convincing if you weren't sitting in his barber's chair.
Odan: Before I shuttle down to the negotiations, I have a gift for you -- a pair of Trill earrings.
Crusher: They're lovely! But...how could you have bought them for me? We hadn't met before you came aboard.
Odan: Actually, they're mine. I mean, uh, they're sort of an old family heirloom. Yes, that's it.
Riker: Our shuttle's being attacked by an unknown ship!
Picard: (over the comm) Can you make it back to the Enterprise?
Riker: Standard Starfleet procedures call for us to crash-land on a hostile moon, sir.
Picard: Let's dispense with the rulebook this time, shall we?
Crusher: The Ambassador's in shock, he's lost as lot of blood....
Nurse Ogawa: ...and he also seems to be pregnant.
Crusher: But that's impossible! We were really carefu--
Ogawa: No, wait...it's actually some kind of large abdominal parasite.
Crusher: Oh. Ahem. That was going to be my next guess.
Crusher: The Trill are a joined species?
Odan: Yes. Contact my homeworld immediately and tell them I need a new host body for my symbiont.
Crusher: How do I get in touch with the appropriate person?
Odan: We have a special 1-800 number that you can call.
Crusher: Odan's host is dead. Someone needs to carry the symbiont and act as the Ambassador until a Trill replacement gets here.
Riker: I volunteer.
Crusher: Hosting the symbiont could kill you!
Riker: Weigh that against the opportunity for me to wear an elegant blue diplomatic uniform.
Crusher: The implantation is complete. How do you feel?
Riker/Odan: Like the third part of a trilogy, but otherwise fine. And how do you feel, sugarplum?
Crusher: How do you expect me to feel about having Deanna's ex-boyfriend make a pass at me?
Riker/Odan: Will you allow me to serve as mediator?
Alpha Moon Delegate: Not if you are acceptable to the Beta delegate!
Beta Moon Delegate: Not if you are acceptable to the Alpha delegate!
Riker/Odan: Since each of you finds me unacceptable, does this mean that you both agree to my offer of service?
Both Delegates: Of course.
Leka: (aside to Picard) He's good.
Picard: (aside to Leka) And a damn fine poker player, too.
Crusher: Your body isn't accepting the symbiont anymore.
Riker/Odan: As long as I can die in your arms, honey, I don't mind.
Crusher: All you're getting from me are immunosuppressants, mister.
Picard: (entering Sickbay) I heard that the Ambassador is ill.
Crusher: Yes -- he's suffering from rejection.
Riker/Odan: In more ways than one.
Crusher: I was, uh, thinking that...if Deanna were to be attracted to Worf, that would hypothetically make it all right for me to be interested in you.
Riker/Odan: And how likely is that, do you think?
Riker/Odan: Good hypothesis.
Picard: I wonder how the Ambassador is holding up to these marathon negotiations.
Riker/Odan: (entering Bridge) We are victorious! (collapses)
Picard: Never mind the histrionics -- how did the meeting go?
Worf: Good news, Doctor. The new Trill host, Kareel, is finally here.
Crusher: Where? I don't see anyone.
Worf: Our guest first had to stop by the ladies' room.
Crusher: That's strange. Is the men's washroom broken?
Worf: It is working considerably better than your ability to take a hint.
Kareel Odan: Thank you for saving my life, Doctor Beverly.
Crusher: You're welcome -- but I'm afraid that I'll have to break off our relationship.
Odan: Why? Because I've changed bodies again?
Crusher: No -- because I can't handle the fact that these earrings would look better on you than on me.
(Odan leaves Sickbay at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.