The EnemyBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:19 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Enemy' Episode Guide
Riker: This planet's electromagnetic storms make Ceti Alpha V look like Risa by comparison. Are you sure we're at the right beam-down coordinates?
La Forge: Believe me, sir, this is the garden spot of Galorndon Core.
Riker: I can barely see it.
Worf: It is hard to believe that a distress signal could have come from such an uninhabitable world.
Riker: Not really. Have you ever heard of someone sending a distress signal from a nice place like Risa?
Worf: Point taken.
Riker: What's going on here?
Worf: This Romulan tried to strangle me! I had to break his jaw to subdue him!
Riker: Before even speaking to each other? I wish the two of you had found a more diplomatic way to get acquainted.
Worf: Considering the animosity between Klingons and Romulans, you should be praising us for our self-restraint.
La Forge: Hmm...wreckage from a Romulan spacecraft. I'd better get Commander Riker and Worf; this could be the clue that lets us get to the bottom of...AAAHHHhhhhhhh! --
La Forge: -- this cave.
Riker: We weren't able to find La Forge before our beam-up window closed. He's lost somewhere on the planet.
Picard: This is grave development indeed. I don't suppose that the injured Romulan you brought back happens to be an unemployed engineer?
Riker: No such luck, I'm afraid.
Riker: Was there anyone else with you on Galorndon Core?
Romulan: No! I totally deny having a companion or engaging in espionage or even being on Galorndon Core!
Riker: We found you on the planet's surface!
Romulan: No you didn't.
La Forge: Okay, I've used my phaser to melt some metal ore and cast it into climbing spikes to get out of the cave. Now if only I could figure out how to use my phaser to make myself a sandwich....
Riker: It looks hopeless, sir. Chief O'Brien can't find a way to locate La Forge through the electromagnetic interference and neither can Data.
Picard: Then a desperate situation calls for desperate measures. Let's ask Wesley if he has any ideas.
Riker: He probably does. He's been trying to get my attention for over an hour.
Wesley: ...so if we use a probe to send a portable neutrino-beam generator to the surface, Geordi will be able to detect it with his VISOR and modify the pulse to serve as a signal beacon that would let us know....
Data: Excuse me for interrupting, but I have picked up a signal indicating that a Romulan Warbird is entering the Neutral Zone and heading towards us.
Picard: Rarely has such bad news come at such a welcome moment.
Tomalak: (on viewscreen) We will be at the Federation border in five hours. I expect you to return the scoutship's crew at that time.
Picard: Of course. And just how many individuals were on that ship?
Tomalak: That depends. How many have you found?
La Forge: What's that over there? A neutrino beam? Wow, even I would never have thought of that! Thank goodness for Wesley!
La Forge: OW!
Centurion Bochra: Hands up! You are my prisoner!
La Forge: You've gotta be kidding. Put that disruptor down and give me back my phaser.
Bochra: No! If I did so, you might escape!
La Forge: To where?
Bochra: Considering that you have an entire planet at your disposal, your question is the most asinine remark I have ever heard!
La Forge: Here...let me help you into this cavern; we'll be sheltered there.
Bochra: Thank you. Now hands up again!
La Forge: What? By not taking your gun when you were knocked out, didn't I prove to you that I'm not your enemy?
Bochra: All you proved is that you're not here on an intelligence mission.
Crusher: The injured Romulan needs a ribosome infusion to survive. You're the only compatible donor.
Worf: I refuse to help him. The Romulans killed my parents.
Crusher: He wasn't involved in that attack. You'd be letting an innocent man die for someone else's crime!
Worf: How would you feel if an alien species attacked your planet without warning and slaughtered millions of people? Would you not want to throw every single one of those murderers out the nearest airlock?
Crusher: Moral objections aside, that would take either a very big airlock or an awfully long time.
Worf: When something is important enough, you make the time for it!
Bochra: Gasp! Cough!
La Forge: The electromagnetic storm must be affecting our nervous systems. I think that's why your legs can't support you and my VISOR interface is acting all wonky.
Bochra: Nonsense. Romulans don't have a nervous system. That is why we are so cool under pressure.
La Forge: The more you keep denying everything, the more I'm convinced that you're here on an intelligence mission.
Bochra: That's not true!
La Forge: Case closed.
La Forge: I figure I have only five more minutes before my interface shorts out. Unless you let me find that neutrino beacon right away, we'll never get off this planet!
Bochra: Hah! Your threat is nothing more than a blind man's bluff! I would rather stay here forever than be captured by the Federation!
La Forge: Could you be a little more careful what you wish for?
Worf: I refuse to donate my precious bodily fluids to this Romulan pahtk!
Romulan: And I refuse to receive a transfusion from this Klingon veruul!
Crusher: We seem to have reached an impasse.
Worf: What impasse? We are in complete agreement.
Romulan: I concur wholeheartedly.
La Forge: Here's the deal. You hook up my VISOR to my tricorder so we can find the beacon, and I'll help you walk over to it.
Bochra: Very well. I have now connected your devices.
La Forge: Are they working?
Bochra: Yes, but you should see how ridiculous your tricorder now looks.
La Forge: The last thing we need right now are lame jokes, Bochra.
Picard: Mr. Worf, I beg you to volunteer to save the life of the Romulan so that we can avoid an incident that might lead to a war that would end civilization as we know it.
Worf: Are you ordering me to do so, sir?
Picard: No, I don't wish to place undue pressure on you.
Picard: I have bad news, Tomalak. Your injured officer has died.
Tomalak: (on viewscreen) Then cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!
Data: Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene 1.
Tomalak: You cannot fully appreciate Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Romulan.
Picard: It would take a large quantity of Romulan ale to make me believe that.
Tomalak: Pfft...what makes you think you are such an expert on Shakespeare?
Picard: Tomalak, look who we've just beamed up from the surface -- my Chief Engineer and a second Romulan officer.
Tomalak: Have they mistreated you, Bochra?
Bochra: No, sir...and I told them nothing about the co-pilot who was with me or the secret spy mission we were on.
Tomalak: Excellent. It is fortunate we trained you to resist interrogation before we sent you on this assignment.
Picard: We were lucky to resolve this standoff peacefully, Number One.
Riker: Yes, but I wish we could have discovered exactly what the Romulans were doing on Galorndon Core.
Picard: If it was trying to figure out how this planet received such a ridiculous name, I hope they've had better luck than our side has had up to now.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.