TapestryBy Michael DeSanto
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:46 PM GMT
See Also: 'Tapestry' Episode Guide
Riker: We were attacked! The Captain's been fatally injured!
Worf: That's what he gets for leading the away team.
Crusher: He's dead!
Riker: Woohoo! Captain at last!
(flash of bright light)
Picard: Where am I?
Q: In heaven.
Picard: Why does heaven look like the place where the Prophets live?
Q: It's the same complex. They live next door.
Q: You're dead and I'm God. We're gonna be buddies for eternity!
Picard: Talk about eternal damnation....
Q: So, do you have any regrets?
Picard: Yeah, I didn't get to fool around with Beverly.
Q: Besides that.
Picard: I got stabbed and they had to replace my heart. Does that count?
Q: It'll fill an hour. (snaps fingers)
Q: You're now a young ensign again.
Picard: Then why am I still bald?
Q: You lost your hair at 13. Moving on....
Picard: What about the timeline?
Q: Timeline, shmimeline!
Picard: Marta! Corey! My old college buddies! It's great to see you again!
Corey: Have you been smoking felicium again, Jonny?
Picard: I'm late for one of my many dates!
Q: It's like James T. Kirk all over again.
Picard: Penny, you were great last night, but now I'd like to learn more about you. Your last name, for instance. Or perhaps any STDs you're carrying.
Penny: (throws drink in Picard's face) Good-bye!
Q: Smooth, Jonny.
Nausicaans: We're here to play dom-jot. We're also going to cheat.
Corey: I find that unfair....
Corey: The Nausicaans were cheating! It was so unfair! I'm going to get back at them.
Picard: No! Don't do that! They'll get mad and stab me!
Marta: Yeah, don't do it.
Corey: Okay, I won't not not not do it. (leaves room)
Picard: Good. Wait a minute....
Corey: It's a good thing no one's here in this unlocked bar at night so I can tamper with their equipment.
Picard: I told you not to do this!
Corey: Oh, I thought you were kidding.
Picard: Corey just won't listen to me.
Marta: That's nice. Let's get rid of all this sexual tension by having sex.
Picard: You were really good...Q?
Q: Oh, don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Not even Janeway.
Picard: I think we've ruined our friendship, Marta.
Marta: That's okay. At least we're not serving together, so I won't get killed off.
Nausicaans: We're here to play dom-jot. We're also going to beat the crap out of you.
Corey: Let's fight!
Picard: No, let's get out of it by speechifying! "Violence doesn't solve anything...."
Nausicaans: Anything but that! We're out of here!
Q: Congrats. You saved your heart. (snaps fingers)
Worf: Is something wrong, Lieutenant Picard?
Picard: What's going on? Why am I a lieutenant? Who's the captain of this ship?
Data: Kathryn Janeway.
Picard: I better get promoted quick.
Picard: Q! What did you do?
Q: Nothing. By not fighting the Nausicaans, you became a sniveling weenie. Even more so.
Picard: I think I can make more out of my miserable life. I want to become captain.
Troi: You're kidding, right?
Riker: Starfleet only lets the most competent officers in the fleet become captains. With one major exception.
Troi: (cough) Janeway (cough)
Picard: Q! I can't stand being so dull! Give me my old life back, please!
Q: You're dead in your old life.
Picard: Either bring me back to life or I'll start speechifying.
(flash of light)
Picard: I had the most wonderful dream. You were there, and you, and you, and you....
Riker: So Q was just playing another one of those tricks on you again.
Picard: I think he was just trying to find a way to get into bed with me.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Michael DeSanto is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.