Silicon AvatarBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:36 PM GMT
See Also: 'Silicon Avatar' Episode Guide
Carmen: Look! Up in the sky!
Crusher: It's a Christmas tree ornament!
Data: It's a helix!
Riker: It's the Crystalline Entity! Run away! Run away!
Riker: Phew, we're all safe now. I've sealed us in this airtight cave.
Crusher: Um, airtight?
Riker: Yeah, try to hold your breath.
Riker: ...and so the fifth element was this girl, the other four being fire, water, earth, and --
Riker: No, wind. You were close though.
Riker: No, you already guessed that and were wrong.
Worf: We've come to rescue you.
Riker: Did you detect the entity destroying the planet?
Worf: No, the captain just knew you couldn't go more than eight hours without needing rescue.
Captain's Log: Starfleet sent us an obsessive, workaholic, overprotective mother. I told them Dr. Crusher was already on board.
Marr: I've never trusted the Crystalline Entity, and I never will. I can never forgive it for the death of my boy.
Picard: Um, that's nice. Why don't you work with Data?
Marr: I've never trusted Data, and I never will. I can never --
Picard: Geez, leave already!
Captain's Log: Counselor Troi's professional opinion of Dr. Marr is that she's nuts.
Data: Doctor, I've been able to determine that the entity is crystalline.
Marr: Grrr. How do I know you're not in cahoots with it?
Data: Because everyone loves me.
Marr: Don't make me do my Pulaski impression.
Data: I bet we could find a pattern using hopscotched banana peels.
Marr: Since I'm biased against you, I disagree.
La Forge: Oh look. Data's right. Technobabble saved the day. Again.
Marr: Because of this discovery, I now love you like a son.
Marr: Here are the specs to kill the great, white whale-- heh, I mean, crystal.
Picard: Our first goal is communication.
Marr: It invades our space and we fall back. It eats entire worlds, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further! And I will make it pay for what it has done!
Picard: Issues much?
Marr: You're one to talk.
Data: I think we can communicate with the entity using pulses.
Marr: Why don't we just hail it like Lore did in "Datalore"?
Data: Oh, sure, if you want to be unoriginal.
Riker: Maybe we should destroy the Crystalline Entity.
Picard: You're out for revenge.
Riker: No, I'm not. I just want to destroy the Crystalline Entity for killing my romantic interest of the week. That's right, I said DESTROY! DESTROYDESTROYDESTROYDESTROYDESTROY!
Picard: Pfft. You don't hold a candle to me and my need for revenge.
Riker: "And he piled upon the whale's white hump, --"
Picard: Stop stealing my lines, loser.
Riker: Those weren't your lines. You were quoting Melville.
Picard: Shut up.
Marr: While we're conveniently together for some reason or another, talk like my boy.
Data: Aw, ma, do I have to?
Marr: No, no, with his voice, dummy. Read his personal logs with his voice.
Data: (as boy) "Boy's Log, Supplemental: I'm glad mom's finally gone. She was always bossing me around. Now I can do whatever I want and she can't stop me. Ha ha!"
Marr: Sniff. I love you too, son.
Worf: Snowflake incoming.
Picard: Is the rock steady?
La Forge: Yep. And it's sending something back to us.
Crystalline Entity: Cowabunga, dudes.
Marr: Let me send the Crystalline Entity something that sounds like feedback.
Crystalline Entity: BOOM!
Marr: Woah. Rock and roll.
Marr: Ha, I avenged my son's death. What would my son have said, Data?
Data: Actually, your son was a rock-hugger. He would've hated you for destroying it.
Marr: Shut up. Who asked you anyway?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.