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The Trek Nation - Ship in a Bottle

Ship in a Bottle

By saxamaphone
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:45 PM GMT

See Also: 'Ship in a Bottle' Episode Guide

Barclay: (tinker, tinker, fix, fix)
Moriarty: Hi.
Barclay: Are you a hologram?
Moriarty: Yes.
Barclay: So you're not real?
Moriarty: No, I'm real because I know I'm not real.
Barclay: Gah! Why does this always happen to me?

Captains Log: We're on our way to see the birth of a star...mostly because I want to see some stuff blow up.

Barclay: Hey guys! You're never going to guess what happened!
La Forge: Something weird with the Holodeck?
Barclay: How'd you know?
La Forge: Well, look at who I'm talking to.

Picard: Well, we completely forgot about your existence. Hope you're not mad.
Moriarty: Hey, it's not like it made me bitter and bent on revenge.
Picard: Super. Want some tea?
Moriarty: Sure. Meet you in Ten Forward. (leaves)
Data: Hey, he can't do that! He's not a drawing of the Enterprise!

Crusher: Well, if he looks like a human, and he talks like a human....
Picard: ...then we should welcome you aboard the Enterprise, Professor.
Moriarty: Jolly good. May I take a stroll above deck?
Picard: Yes, but take a deep breath before you step out the airlock.

Picard: So, no evil plots, okay?
Moriarty: Okay, but can I bring my girlfriend out here with me?
Picard: If we can figure out how. Remember that we're not on the Holodeck anymore.
Moriarty: I will if you will.

Moriarty: Well, if I don't get to see my girlfriend, then I'm going to be really mad!
Troi: I think we should wait before we do anything.
Riker: Yeah, let's wait.
Picard: Okay, then let's wait.
Moriarty: You guys don't listen very well, do you?

Worf: Uh-oh....
Picard: Uh-oh? What's uh-oh?
Moriarty: (entering the Bridge) I'm now in control of your ship, Captain.
Picard: Uh-oh.

Picard: Gimme back my ship!
Moriarty: Then gimme my girlfriend! Remember that big explosion that's going to happen....
Riker: Um, maybe we shouldn't wait after all.

Barclay: Hey, maybe we could beam her off the Holodeck.
Data: Sure, if we can lock on to her with the pattern enhancers
La Forge: An episode with Holodeck characters, transporter technology, and Barclay -- what are the odds?

Barclay: Special delivery!
Countess: The transporter enhancers?
Barclay: You know what they are?
Countess: Yes, because James told me I'm real. But I'm still a hologram.
Barclay: Gah!

Transporter: WHOOSH
Data: (over the comm) The holo-chair failed to beam off the Holodeck.
Barclay: Then we'll have to give up.
Countess: When a $100 billion device malfunctions, you don't give up -- you fix it!
Barclay: Actually, we don't have any money in the 24th century.
Countess: Well, fix it anyway!

La Forge: Hey, I think we've got control back!
Computer: Nope.
Picard: Damn.

Data: Geordi, think fast! (throws tricorder)
La Forge: Ow! That hurt, you idiot!
Data: You see, Captain, we're still on the Holodeck.
Picard: And you came to that conclusion because the real Geordi would have caught it?
Data: No, because the real Geordi is too nice a guy to swear like that.

Picard: We're really and truly working on a way to get you off the Holodeck.
Countess: I suspect that you are a deceitful rogue, sir.
Picard: Not at all, madam.
Countess: Too bad. I like devious men.
Picard: So I've noticed.

Transporter: WHOOSH
Countess: We did it! We're on the real Enterprise!
Moriarty: And it looks just like the fake one I had created!
Riker: Very well put.

Troi: So they're in a Holodeck in the Holodeck?
Picard: Yes, but to them it's reality -- which for us raises deep existential questions.
Riker: Perhaps life is but a dream after all.
Barclay: I know a song, sir, that fits right in with....
Picard: Another time, Mr. Barclay.
(The Enterprise rows away from the exploding star at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


saxamaphone is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.