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The Trek Nation - Schisms

Schisms

By Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:43 PM GMT

See Also: 'Schisms' Episode Guide

Data: And now for my forty-seventh poem. There was a Lieutenant named Yar, who was killed by a big ball of tar; she once lost her head, and took Data to bed -- which was more than a little bizarre.
Crew: Groooaaan.
Riker: Zzzzzzz....

Riker: I'm always, tired, Doctor. Can you do something about it?
Crusher: Try some nice warm milk.
Riker: That's your solution to everything.

Computer: Cargo bay four just went boom.
La Forge: That can't be good.

La Forge: Hey! There's nothing here. Computer!
Computer: Hahahahaha! Psych!

La Forge: ...so I think we should fluxise the sensor googletrons.
Riker: Zzzzzzz....
La Forge: Still tired?
Riker: Your boring me to death isn't helping matters.

Riker: Man, I'm beat. Time for bed.
La Forge: Time to get up, Commander.
Riker: Nuts.

Mott: What will it be today, Lieutenant? Shampoo? Shave? Highlights?
Worf: That would bring out my cheekbones....
Mott: You know what you need? A manicure.
Worf: Now you've gone too far.

Data: Your trip to Sickbay did not take long.
La Forge: What are you talking about? I've been gone for over an hour.
Data: Impossible.
La Forge: Time flies when you're having fun.
Data: It does seem that the passage of time is accelerated when boring coworkers are absent.

Riker: You're driving all wrong, Ensign. Here, let me do it.
Ensign: Sir, aren't First Officers notoriously crash-prone when they pilot ships?
Riker: Good point. Deanna, you'd better take the helm.

Troi: Computer, show me the table that the others are remembering.
Computer: What am I, psychic? I need more information than that.
Troi: Just use your magic ability to know exactly what we mean.
Computer: Why don't you just use your magic ability to state the obvious to help me out?
Troi: Hey! That was an insult!

Worf: Say, this table looks familiar.
La Forge: Oh my God! We were abducted by aliens!
Riker: I thought that only happened in cornfields.

Picard: Computer, is there anyone missing?
Computer: Sure, but it's only a couple of redshirts.
Picard: What? Why didn't you say anything?
Computer: You didn't ask.

La Forge: Hey, it's a hole in subspace. Don't see that every day.
Data: No -- every five point three days, on average.

Lieutenant Hagler: GAK!
Picard: Whoever's behind this owes me one redshirt.

Riker: Next time the aliens take me, I'll wear a homing beacon so you can find me.
Crusher: What if they don't give you back?
Picard: Let's not be too optimistic here.

La Forge: (over the comm) Commander Riker and Ensign Rager are back safely, Captain.
Crusher: Ha! You owe me ten credits.
Picard: Drat.

Captain's Log: Will all absent crewmembers please speak up?
Crew:
Excellent. Everyone is accounted for.
(A few nameless ensigns get left behind at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.