SarekBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:24 PM GMT
See Also: 'Sarek' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: We have a priceless cameo coming aboard. Yes, when Sarek's wife Perrin comes aboard, we all must be sure to admire her spectacular ring.
O'Brien: Beaming aboard one Vulcan and his human floozy presently.
(Two figures materialize on the transporter pad)
Mendrossen: Hello there big boys....
Riker: Ack! The chick's a dude, and the Vulcan's young!
Sakkath: (waves) We're the ambassador's aides. We always beam aboard first to ensure that nobody annoys Sarek during his stay here. He's an old man, and as such is easily annoyed by kids on skateboards and the like.
Picard: Then you have our assurance; there shall be no annoyances.
Picard: (Number One, cancel the three-ring circus and tell Data to stop replicating those "Sarek RULZ #1" t-shirts)
Riker: (Very good, sir)
(Sarek and Perrin materialize on the transporter pad)
Picard: Welcome aboard the Enterprise, Ambassador Sarek. And Mrs. Perrin, your cameo is as lovely as the tabloids report it to be.
Sarek: We wish to see the conference room at once!
Mendrossen: Sir, you know how worked up you get about conference rooms these days. How about a nap, instead?
Sarek: Captain, my aides are always trying to keep me calm and sedate. SO TAKE ME TO THE DAMN CONFERENCE ROOM!
Picard: Um... sure, right this way.
Picard: As you can see, we've been retrofitting this cargo hold for days in preparation for--
Sarek: You call this a slime pit? And the walls are too bright. And the furniture too "2350s". And--
Mendrossen: I'm sure the room will be ready by--
Sarek: NOW, DA--
Perrin: If I may, without being interrupted, I think my husband and I will rest in our quarters for a whi--
Perrin: Still having trouble meditating?
Sarek: Yes. It's a little embarrassing.
Perrin: I'm sure it happens to other guys too....
Sarek: NO IT.... No it doesn't. What was that noise I heard a little while ago?
Perrin: Picard was in here. We were invited to a concert this evening in your honor.
Sarek: It's not Vulcan pop, is it? Jeez, young Vulcans these days....
Perrin: Er, don't be silly.
Wesley: Hey, don't talk about my mom that way!
LaForge: I'll talk about your mom whatever "that way" I want!
Riker: What's going on in here? I haven't heard people insulting each other's mothers since before I was born.
LaForge: Yo mom--
Picard: Ambassador Sarek. Perrin. I'm glad you could make it to our... Mozart concert.
Sarek: The pleasure is ours.
Perrin: (Thanks for changing the concert last minute)
Picard: (No problem; none of us like the "La La Lojix" either.)
(The lights darken, and the concert starts. The audience takes in the music as it wafts through the air until...)
Sakkath: Did you just cry?
Sarek: Don't be silly.
Crusher: ....and then, Wesley and I broke into a round of "your mother" jokes. For some reason or another, he won.
Troi: Your story isn't unique. Either that style of insult is back in style, or more likely, some strange presence is affecting the crew. Such as your mother.
Crusher: Captain, Counselor Troi and I have developed a few working hypotheses about what's causing this strange behavior among the crew.
Picard: How many of these theories don't involve my mother?
Crusher: One. That's the one where Sarek has lost control of his emotions, and his telepathic abilities are projecting them on the crew. Do you want to hear the other theories?
Picard: That's all right, my money's on that one.
Data: Ha! I just out-logic'd Sakkath into telling me the truth; Sarek has Bendii Syndrome.
Picard: Then it seems we're forced to choose between jeopardizing the mission, and telling Sarek the truth about his mother. Er, just the truth.
Picard: Before I rip away at the foundation of what you think is "true", I'd just like to once again compliment you on that cameo you're wearing. Where did you get it?
Perrin: My husband bought it for me at D'Bir's. Thank you for noticing.
Picard: Not at all. Back on topic, your husband has Bendii Syndrome, and it's affecting the whole crew.
Perrin: That can't be. Bendii Syndrome is a mythical disease, kinda like the "Willie Nillies", or the "Heebie Jeebies".
Picard: I assure you, the disease is quite a bit more real than either of those.
Perrin: I refuse to accept that, and I won't let you discuss it with my husband no matter what!
Sarek: (Upon entering) Discuss what?
Perrin: "No matter what" rescinded. I'll leave you two alone.
Sarek: You accuse me of having a disease. Present your arguments rationally.
Picard: A= Sarek, B= crying, C= Bendii Syndrome, E=illogic. If A=B and B=E and E=C, then A=C.
Sarek: D=B! X=had something in his eye. D=X!
Picard: Y= a lie. X=Y, Y=E, and still, A=C
Sarek: But if X=Y, and Y+A=E, then E-A=Y!
Picard: That doesn't make any sense.
Sarek: Hmm, I guess you win then.
Captain's Log: The ambassador is not in good shape to conduct the ambassimilations anymore. We need a quick fix, fast!
Perrin: How about....
Sarek: Are you crazy? A mindmeld?
Picard: It was your wife's idea, and of the three of us we're the two least insane.
Sarek: Point. You do realize that while I'll gain your cool, calm demeanor, you'll gain my ever-growing Vulcan insanity.
Picard: Ironic, no? Let's get started.
Riker: I take it everything went according to plan?
Sarek: Heheheh. Of course.
Riker: Why the snickering?
Sarek: Oh, it's up to you. Just think of something funny that Picard knows about you.
Picard: !ytaeM ,mmM ?ti teg, nacluV enasni na m'I ? em dnatsrednu ydobon naC
Crusher: Ah, Picard... you're crazier than a sack full of drunken badgers.
First Officer's Log: The negotiations went well, and-- wait, why isn't the Captain making this entry? He's in good shape now, honest.
Sarek: Well, I guess this is the last I'll see of you.
Picard: I wouldn't say that. We've got this connection which just begs for closure.
Sarek: In any case, peace and long life.
Picard: Farewell. And Mrs. Perrin, do take care of that cameo.
Perrin: You can bet your mother on it.
(The ambassador and his party beam off at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.