Pen PalsBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:16 PM GMT
See Also: 'Pen Pals' Episode Guide
Riker: All of those Ensigns' first names are Wesley.
Wesley: I know, I want to have team Wesley!
Data: Computer, play incoming signal.
Signal: C__ y_u ___r _e __w?
Data: I'd like to buy an A and an N.
Signal: Can y_u __ar _e n_w?
Data: Wait, wait, is it "Can you star we new?"
Wesley: Excuse me, Wesley?
Davies: Actually I've started going by my middle name since I heard about you.
Wesley: You wanna be on my team anyway?
Davies: Sure, maybe I'll get a medal for saving the ship.
Wesley: Um, I'm just running a planetary survey, not saving the ship.
Davies: Suuure you are.
Data: "Can you brar be nyw?"
Sarjenka: (over the comm) Sigh. It was "Can you hear me now?"
Data: That was my next guess!
Pulaski: You look worried, Wesley. Is something wrong?
Wesley: Yeah, everyone on my team goes by their middle names.
Pulaski: Don't worry. Maybe they're just feeling unworthy to bear the name Wesley.
Wesley: You're right. That must be it!
Davies: So here are the results from my tests.
Wesley: Hey, all the statistics are threes!
Davies: Maybe Data's malfunctioning again.
Wesley: Or maybe you should actually turn on the equipment and run the tests.
Davies: But that would require time and energy! Do I have to?
Wesley: Well, um, I dunno.
Data: Captain, if you'll come down off your high horse for a moment, I'd like to ask you about something.
Picard: Sure, what is it?
Data: Just how important is following the Prime Directive?
Picard: Well, that depends. For me or for you?
Wesley: Commander, can you help me? I'm not sure what I should do.
Riker: I know just the thing for you. Here, have this WWPD bracelet.
Wesley: What does WWPD stand for?
Riker: "What Would Picard Do?" It's an easy way to solve any problem, just think about what Captain Picard would do and then do it.
Wesley: Mr. Davies, we surrender.
Wesley: Whoops, stupid bracelet. I mean, um, make it so or engage or whatever I have to tell you to do your work.
Davies: That'll do.
Picard: So Data wants to save some girl's family even though that would be breaking the Prime Directive.
Pulaski: I think we should definitely help them. It's our job to solve all the universe's ills.
Picard: But what if there are two races and one is dying, and the other is just developing? Should we save the dying race, Dear Doctor?
Pulaski: Oh please. What are the odds of that happening?
Picard: Good point. We'll save them.
Picard: What's wrong with the planet?
Alans: Well, the planet's core is pure dilithium with a thin layer of adamantium.
Davies: And the planet's heat causes tectonic sublimation until it regarbalizes the spheramental drive core.
Riker: You're not making up much technobabble for this briefing, Wesley.
Wesley: I can't help it, my bracelet keeps saying "Shut up, Wesley."
Data: Can I beam down to the planet to rescue Sarjenka?
Picard: I'm thinking no.
Data: I know when Captains say "no," they really mean "yes."
O'Brien: Hey, why are you beaming Data down?
Riker: I have nothing to say to you, Chief. And I think you know why.
O'Brien: Would you stop saying that to me?
Data: Sarjenka, I came for you.
Sarjenka: Thanks. Unfortunately I think we're stuck here with the planet erupting all around us. But I'm glad to be with you, Data. Here at the end of all things.
Data: Don't worry, I'll just use a deus ex machina to get us out of here. Two to beam up.
Picard: Data, what are you doing with a child on my bridge?
Data: She followed me home. Can I keep her?
Data: What do you mean "no"?
Data: Are you sure it's right to erase Sarjenka's memories of her contact with me?
Pulaski: Hey! We're only allowed one big ethical discussion an episode and we already used that up on the Prime Directive debate earlier.
Data: Thanks for letting me help Sarjenka, Captain.
Picard: No, thank you for keeping Wesley occupied for the entire episode.
Data: No problem. I was just doing what my WWPD bracelet was telling me to.
Picard: Well, I appreciate your help either way.
Data: Help? Ah! As in aid, assist, comfort, relief,...
(Data's bracelet says "Thank you, Mr. Data" at Ludicrous Speed)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.