Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:30 PM GMT
See Also: 'Parallels' Episode Guide
Worf's Personal Log: I received champion status at a bat'telh tournament. It appears that I have finally found an effective strategy -- imagining that my opponent is Commander Riker.
All: Surprise! Happy Birthday, Worf!
Riker: Isn't this great?
Worf: Bah. Any true Klingon celebration involves some kind of torture.
Worf: Captain Picard -- I thought you could not attend.
Picard: It must have been your birthday wish.
Worf: No, my birthday wish was for --
Troi: Aw, the cake isn't chocolate! I'm so disappointed!
Picard: You were saying?
Data: Sir, the Argus Array appears to be functioning normally.
Riker: That's strange -- we're not getting any channels and Commander La Forge is getting cranky without his Martha Stewart Network.
La Forge: (over the comm) Hey!
Riker: We all know you watch it, Geordi. Data, try connecting to its computer.
Argus Array: We're sorry. The array you have dialed is currently being hacked by Cardassians.
Worf: I would like you to become Alexander's soh-chim.
Troi: His soh-chim?
Worf: It's Klingon for "last-resort babysitter."
Data: It appears that the Cardassians have hacked into the Argus Array.
Picard: They're stealing our cable? How dare they!
Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Wait a minute -- Geordi, weren't you and and Data just on opposite sides of this console?
La Forge: We're playing "musical stations."
Worf: But where is Captain Picard?
Data: He failed to find a station when the music stopped.
Crusher: Worf, I remember you telling me that you lost the bat'telh tournament. You even got a concussion.
Worf: I won that tournament and I can prove it. Here, read this trophy.
Crusher: "This trophy is hereby awarded to Worf for his shameful loss, terrible bat'telh skills, and really bad goatee. Ha ha, Worf."
Worf: That's a lie! My goatee looks great!
Worf: My personal log will prove that I'm not imagining things.
Worf's Personal Log: No it won't.
Worf: But --
Log: You suck. Get over it.
Cardassian: (over the comm) You are near Cardassian borders. Explain yourself!
Picard: We're just trying to fix our cable reception. Nothing to worry about.
Worf: Captain, that is the ship responsible for stealing our cable!
Picard: What? How do you know that?
Worf: I saw it on the All-Cardassian Channel.
Worf: Klingons do not imagine things!
Troi: You expect me to believe that you're right and every other person on this ship is wrong?
Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Wait -- Counsellor, you are now in your uniform.
Troi: We're playing "musical uniforms."
Worf: That explains why Commander La Forge is wearing your dress.
La Forge: Um... yes.
Picard: Mr. Worf! Fire!
Worf: Aye, sir. Wait -- where is my big red "Fire" button?
Riker: Too late -- the Cardassians have destroyed the Argus Array. There goes our cable.
Picard: You mean we'll have to start flying around with an antenna attached to the ship? Nuts.
Worf: This time I know my personal log will prove that I'm not imagining things.
Log: For the last time, give it up.
Worf: Klingons do not imagine things!
Log: Relax -- you're probably just going insane. Or you're jumping between alternate universes... but my money's on the "insane" one.
Troi: Honey, I'm home!
Log: I rest my case.
Data: I propose we begin with the three most common explanations for anomalies: subspace, myself, and Commander La Forge's visor.
Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Hey -- I got promoted! Score!
Data: ...and so since Worf's shuttle entered a quantum fissure in the space-time continuum, subspace pulses from Geordi's visor propelled him into alternate universes.
Riker: Two out of three isn't bad.
Wesley: Aaaaaaa! It's the Bajorans!
Worf: Even in alternate universes, some things never change.
Riker: The Bajorans are tyrants in your universe too?
Worf: I was talking about Wesley being a chicken.
Data: The Bajorans broke the universes. There are Enterprises everywhere.
Riker: I'll fix this. (ahem) Riker to all other Enterprise ships: we're going to try and send you all back to your realities, because I like my Riker-is-captain universe just the way it is. Would the real Enterprise please stand up?
Troi: I'll miss you, honey, but I'm sure you'll be just as happy with the alternate me.
Worf: Actually, in my universe you and I aren't involved.
Troi: Oh. Well, I'm sure you'll be happy with whoever --
Worf: I do not currently have a mate.
Troi: You're choosing a life of celibacy and loneliness over me? Why?
Worf: It's much more appealing than staying here when Riker is captain.
Worf: Flying, flying, into the quantum fissure....
Worf: Let's see: no promotion, not married to Troi... but at least I've got my nifty trophy.
Worf: Counsellor, would you care to stay for dinner to avoid a complete reset button?
Troi: I'd love to.
Worf: Here -- you can chop these vegetables.
Troi: That's an odd request, but somehow it seems appropriate....
(The Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.