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The Trek Nation - Parallels

Parallels

By Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:30 PM GMT

See Also: 'Parallels' Episode Guide

Worf's Personal Log: I received champion status at a bat'telh tournament. It appears that I have finally found an effective strategy -- imagining that my opponent is Commander Riker.

All: Surprise! Happy Birthday, Worf!
Riker: Isn't this great?
Worf: Bah. Any true Klingon celebration involves some kind of torture.

Worf: Captain Picard -- I thought you could not attend.
Picard: It must have been your birthday wish.
Worf: No, my birthday wish was for --
Troi: Aw, the cake isn't chocolate! I'm so disappointed!
Picard: You were saying?

Data: Sir, the Argus Array appears to be functioning normally.
Riker: That's strange -- we're not getting any channels and Commander La Forge is getting cranky without his Martha Stewart Network.
La Forge: (over the comm) Hey!
Riker: We all know you watch it, Geordi. Data, try connecting to its computer.
Argus Array: We're sorry. The array you have dialed is currently being hacked by Cardassians.

Worf: I would like you to become Alexander's soh-chim.
Troi: His soh-chim?
Worf: It's Klingon for "last-resort babysitter."

Data: It appears that the Cardassians have hacked into the Argus Array.
Picard: They're stealing our cable? How dare they!
Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Wait a minute -- Geordi, weren't you and and Data just on opposite sides of this console?
La Forge: We're playing "musical stations."
Worf: But where is Captain Picard?
Data: He failed to find a station when the music stopped.

Crusher: Worf, I remember you telling me that you lost the bat'telh tournament. You even got a concussion.
Worf: I won that tournament and I can prove it. Here, read this trophy.
Crusher: "This trophy is hereby awarded to Worf for his shameful loss, terrible bat'telh skills, and really bad goatee. Ha ha, Worf."
Worf: That's a lie! My goatee looks great!

Worf: My personal log will prove that I'm not imagining things.
Worf's Personal Log: No it won't.
Worf: But --
Log: You suck. Get over it.

Cardassian: (over the comm) You are near Cardassian borders. Explain yourself!
Picard: We're just trying to fix our cable reception. Nothing to worry about.
Worf: Captain, that is the ship responsible for stealing our cable!
Picard: What? How do you know that?
Worf: I saw it on the All-Cardassian Channel.

Worf: Klingons do not imagine things!
Troi: You expect me to believe that you're right and every other person on this ship is wrong?
Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Wait -- Counsellor, you are now in your uniform.
Troi: We're playing "musical uniforms."
Worf: That explains why Commander La Forge is wearing your dress.
La Forge: Um... yes.

Picard: Mr. Worf! Fire!
Worf: Aye, sir. Wait -- where is my big red "Fire" button?
Riker: Too late -- the Cardassians have destroyed the Argus Array. There goes our cable.
Picard: You mean we'll have to start flying around with an antenna attached to the ship? Nuts.

Worf: This time I know my personal log will prove that I'm not imagining things.
Log: For the last time, give it up.
Worf: Klingons do not imagine things!
Log: Relax -- you're probably just going insane. Or you're jumping between alternate universes... but my money's on the "insane" one.
Troi: Honey, I'm home!
Log: I rest my case.

Data: I propose we begin with the three most common explanations for anomalies: subspace, myself, and Commander La Forge's visor.
Worf: (swaying) I feel dizzy. Hey -- I got promoted! Score!

Data: ...and so since Worf's shuttle entered a quantum fissure in the space-time continuum, subspace pulses from Geordi's visor propelled him into alternate universes.
Riker: Two out of three isn't bad.

Wesley: Aaaaaaa! It's the Bajorans!
Worf: Even in alternate universes, some things never change.
Riker: The Bajorans are tyrants in your universe too?
Worf: I was talking about Wesley being a chicken.

Data: The Bajorans broke the universes. There are Enterprises everywhere.
Riker: I'll fix this. (ahem) Riker to all other Enterprise ships: we're going to try and send you all back to your realities, because I like my Riker-is-captain universe just the way it is. Would the real Enterprise please stand up?

Troi: I'll miss you, honey, but I'm sure you'll be just as happy with the alternate me.
Worf: Actually, in my universe you and I aren't involved.
Troi: Oh. Well, I'm sure you'll be happy with whoever --
Worf: I do not currently have a mate.
Troi: You're choosing a life of celibacy and loneliness over me? Why?
Worf: It's much more appealing than staying here when Riker is captain.

Worf: Flying, flying, into the quantum fissure....
(FLASH)
Worf: Let's see: no promotion, not married to Troi... but at least I've got my nifty trophy.

Worf: Counsellor, would you care to stay for dinner to avoid a complete reset button?
Troi: I'd love to.
Worf: Here -- you can chop these vegetables.
Troi: That's an odd request, but somehow it seems appropriate....
(The Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.