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The Trek Nation - Lower Decks

Lower Decks

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:32 PM GMT

See Also: 'Lower Decks' Episode Guide

Troi: Outwit. Outspeak. Outlive.

Riker: Sito, relock phasers!
Sito: Yes, fuzzy beard man sir.
Riker: Lavelle, hard port!
Lavelle: Aye aye!
Riker: One 'aye' is sufficient, Ensign.
Lavelle: Aye, fuzzy beard man sir.
Riker: What did you call me? Take the conn, I'll be back shortly. (exits)
Lavelle: I think Riker's favoring you.
Sito: Relax, aye think you're imagining things.

Taurik: If I could have a word with you, I have a new plan that would increase our efficiency in engineering.
LaForge: Let's have a look.
Taurik: (hands Geordi a PADD). As you can see, if we can find ourselves a Klingon-human hybrid, and then give her pon far--
LaForge: Wait, wait. How will that increase efficiency in engineering?
Taurik: By increasing the efficiency of its best engineer, of course.
LaForge: First Nick Locarno, then Taurik... what is this, "Voyager -- Before They Were Stars"?

Lavelle: Hi, I'm a quarter Canadian.
Riker: Excuse me?
Lavelle: My grandfather. He was from Canadia.
Riker: You mean Canada?
Lavelle: Heh heh. You think I don't know my geography?
Riker: Well I am from Alaska, I do know a little about Canada.
Lavelle: Alaska? Wow, I had a friend who went to Auburn University. Anyway, I've gotta go. It was good making an impression with you.
Riker: I'll say.

Data: Picking up an escape pod in Cardassian space.
Picard: How? We're not even across their border.
Data: I meant with our sensors.
Picard: Wouldn't a tractor beam work better?
Data: Sir, the lifesigns are failing.
Picard: Then tell them better luck next time.
Data: Permission to speak freely?
Picard: Granted.
Data: Data to Sickbay: lock on to the biosigns and transport them directly to Sickbay!

Picard: Ensign Sito, quite frankly I think you're irresponsible, an officer of disputed character, and I absolutely hate your hair!
Sito: With all due respect sir, so were you, so were you, and you're just jealous.

Taurik: Sir, why are we firing phasers at the shuttle?
LaForge: Because it was a naughty shuttle, and we're centuries beyond rolled-up newspaper.
Taurik: I see. Also, why are we firing with in a pattern which is Morse code for "See? We really did try to attack this shuttle, honest!"
LaForge: For the love of god, stop asking so many questions Ensign! Now then, help me configure this photon torpedo to fire across its nose...and not up it!

Lavelle: Yay, lower decks poker!
Riker: Yay, upper decks poker!
Lavelle: Wait a minute, in the same scene?
LaForge: Do you have any idea how hard it is to do two concurrent scenes textually?
Sito: Well we might as well make everyone realize their faults and accept each other anyway.
Riker: I'm sorry Sam, I've been really hard on you.
Lavelle: I'm sorry fuzzy beard man, I've been too eager-to-please.
Taurik: I'm sorry everybody for my name; T is for weeny Vulcans like T'Pau, and V is for über-great Vulcans like Valeris. I think I'll change my name to--
Tom Duncan Locarno: Can it, O'Rick. It's been done.

Worf: Alright class, for homework I'd like you to pick a fight with a total stranger... and lose. Dismissed, unless your name rhymes with Lance N. Ito.
Sito: Uh....
Worf: Defend yourself! Chop! Pow!
Sito: Uh....
Worf: Defend yourself! Hua! Ping!
Sito: Uh...
Worf: Def--
Sito: What the hell is this, verbal abuse? I'm leaving.
Worf: Very good, you passed the test. That should teach you to stand up to the Captain.
Sito: Yes, assuming he's incapacitated and the only officer left in the chain of command is Adam West.

Sito: Sir, if I could have a word with you....
Picard: Zing! Blam!
Sito: Hmm, this could be easier than I thought.

Picard: Sito, meet Joret Dal
Dal: I hate myself.
Sito: Excuse me?
Dal: Sorry, I'm just trying to convince you I'm not a typical Cardassian so you'll run away with me over the Cardassian border.
Picard: We want to make him appear to be a bounty hunter and you a captured terrorist, so we can get him across the border 'cause he's a spy.
Dal: Oh yes, that too.
Sito: I don't know....
Dal: I love your hair.
Sito: I'm in.

Lavelle: I'm worried, tell me everything you know that's classified.
Taurik: Geordi LaForge really isn't blind, and helps teach small children to read.
Ogawa: Captain Picard was once haunted by three ghosts, who taught him his generosity.
Lavelle: Hey, neither of those are classified!
Taurik: On the contrary; most classify them as "overdone non-Trek acting references".

Captain's Log: Well, the master plan to end Ensign Sito's bite into our screen time once and for all has succeeded. Zap! Bang!

Lavelle: Picking up an escape pod in Cardassian space.
Picard: What! No! Wait, we're still on our side of the border.
Lavelle: Right; picking up on sensors the remains of an escape pod.
Picard: Ah, that's much better.
Lavelle: Sir?
Picard: Uh... Warp 5, engage! (Whew, that was close!)

Lavelle: Well, I just got promoted. Guess I was second choice.
Ogawa: Nonsense, don't think that way! Worf was second choice, but they figured they'd wait till they could rig him a funny hat.
Worf: Klingons do not wear funny hats. Now where did I place my Trials and Tribble-ations cap?
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.