LegacyBy Wade the Sane Commodore
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:26 PM GMT
See Also: 'Legacy' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: We are enroute to Turkana IV to rescue crewmen from a Federation freighter. Turkana IV was the birthplace of Tasha, our former tactical officer. From what she told us of the planet, we hope we will not be yarred and feathered upon our arrival.
Picard: Mr. Data, what do we know about the Turkanan colony?
Data: The last starship here was warned not to beam anyone down. The colonists executed their first officer as a demonstration of their power, and threatened to do it to any other ship that came to the planet.
Picard: I see. Commander Riker, assemble your away team.
Riker: Aye sir. Oh, by the way, I made sugar cookies. You should grab a few before Troi scarfs them all down.
Picard: Ah, sugar cookies, my favorite! I think I'll have an Angel One.
Worf: Dr. Crusher should stay here. Tasha spoke of short hair cuts and manicures and bathing!
Crusher: Fine Worf, I'll stay here. Do you remember your nurse training?
Worf: I remember it made me sick to my stomach.
Crusher: Good. Here's your medikit.
Worf: Perhaps Dr. Crusher should come along.
(Intruder alarms sound)
Goon 1: Whose crystal is going off?
Goon 2: Its Logan's! Run!
Hayne: The Alliance is holding your men. Our Coalition could get them back if we had some of your fancy heaters.
Riker: Oh no, only Federation types get to play with these guns.
Hayne: Come on, we only want a piece of the action. Besides, we're much better than the Alliance. We don't even have a draft!
Riker: A coalition of the willing eh? We shall consider your offer.
Riker: The colony's government has dissolved. There are now two cadres running the city.
Picard: Well tell those two padres to settle their differences and give us back our people!
Riker: No, sir, cadres, not --
Hayne: Sorry to interrupt homonyms anonymous, but I have a special Enterprise connection for you.
Ishara Yar: Yo.
Picard: Ah, a Tasha Enterprise connection. I C.
Riker: You mean "I see."
Picard: So how do we know you're really Tasha's sister?
Crusher: I could take a blood sample! Let me go find an empty barrel!
Ishara: (gulp) How much does she need?
Riker: Just enough to prove you're not a changeling. But I'm asking the questions here. For instance, have any of your siblings served on previous Enterprises?
Riker: Correct. Now, do you have any nieces living on Romulus?
Riker: Well, her story checks out to me. We need a plan to rescue the hostages. Suggestions?
Ishara: If you could remove my proximity alerter and could beam me deep into Alliance tunnels so I could save the hostages for you. You wouldn't even have to break a sweat.
Riker: Captain, I have a plan. What she said.
Data: Ah, Ishara, I'm gratified to see you've been issued a standard Starfleet catsuit.
La Forge: I'll say, kinda makes me want to go run some stimulations on the holodeck.
Barclay: (over the comm) You mean simulations, right Commander?
La Forge: Uh... yeah. I guess you've had enough experience to tell the difference.
Barclay: Holo-Janeway never hurts my feelings....
Ishara: Data, what was Tasha like?
Data: I thought she was stiff and unmoving.
Ishara: I was talking about her personality.
Data: So was I.
Ishara: Anything else you can tell me?
Data: I can't. I gave her my word.
Crusher: Here's your souvenir implant back.
Ishara: And you upgraded the other ones, right?
Crusher: Yes, but that service wasn't covered by your HMO.
Ishara: Darn. Data, will you keep this for me?
Data: Of course. I will put it in my junk drawer along with some crappy old book, cheap medals I never wear and a holographic message from Tash... um... the Borg Queen!
Worf: You want me to sponsor your application to Starfleet Academy?
Ishara: Frankly, I think I can be quite an asset to Starfleet. With my extensive experience I could skip the lower ranks entirely and begin my career as a Commander. Maybe you should suggest that in your letter. Tell them you'd be honored to serve under me.
Worf: You have no desire to join Starfleet, do you?
Ishara: No, I'm afraid I don't.
Worf: Then why all this deception?
Ishara: Because lying is a skill like any other and if you want to maintain a level of excellence you have to practice constantly.
Worf: (to Riker) At the first sign of betrayal I will kill her, but I promise to return the body intact.
La Forge: I've rigged the phasers to drill into the tunnels to allow safe transport.
Picard: Very well, fire when ready.
La Forge: Aye sir, torpedoes away.
Picard: Torpedoes? I thought you were going to use phasers!
La Forge: We are, but first we need to clear away a hospital and orphanage at the drilling site on the surface.
Picard: Were they empty?
La Forge: Intel was sketchy on that, but I'm sure they're empty now.
Ishara: Commander, we have got to get out of this tunnel!
Worf: We need breathing room!
Data: Earth, Hitler, 1938.
Riker: Right. I'm going to go save the crewmen.
Ishara: And I'm going to go be trustworthy, over by the fusion reactor. Alone.
Data: And I'm going to... hey, where did everybody go?
Data: Ishara, what are you doing?
Ishara: Whatever it looks like, I am not overloading the Alliance's reactor.
Data: I cannot permit this to continue. (raises phaser)
Ishara: But... I thought we were friends.
Data: Ishara, I'm only going to tell you this just once. It never happened.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Wade the Sane Commodore is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.