RSS iconTwitter iconFacebook icon

TrekToday title image

The Trek Nation - Hollow Pursuits

Hollow Pursuits

By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:23 PM GMT

See Also: 'Hollow Pursuits' Episode Guide

Holo-Troi: Buy me a drink, dreamboat?
Barclay: Bartender -- a refill for the lovely lady and a scotch for me! No ice! No water!
Holo-Guinan: You want your scotch in a dirty glass, tough guy?
Barclay: Who said I wanted a glass?

Holo-Troi: It's too bad you broke that bottle over Commander Riker's head.
Barclay: No big loss, babe. I used the one that was almost empty.
La Forge: (over the comm) Lieutenant Barclay, report to Cargo Bay 5.
Barclay: Duty calls, sweetheart.
La Forge: What?
Barclay: Uh, that was Humphrey Bogart you heard, sir. I'm watching an old movie.

Riker: And why were you late for duty this time, Mr. Broccoli...er, I mean Mr. Barclay?
Barclay: Uh...well, you see, I overslept because a metaphasic radiation field rejuvenated me towards adolescence and....
La Forge: Do you take me for an idiot? I wouldn't believe an excuse like that even from Lieutenant Woof! Er, I mean....

Riker: Barclay's hopeless, Captain. I think we should transfer him to the U.S.S. Elba.
Picard: Let's not give up on him too soon. Geordi, try to make friends with Barclay and bring him out of his shell.
La Forge: But what about the Elba? Their Engineering section really needs an extra diagnostic specialist.
Picard: As I recall, they asked for a crash test dummy, not for a live engineer.
La Forge: Do we have to interpret their request that narrowly, sir?

La Forge: Reg, I'd like you to attend tomorrow's Engineering staff meeting.
Barclay: If Ensign Crusher is going to be there, sir, could you, uh, not call me "Reg" in front of him?
La Forge: Why? Are you worried he'll pin another nickname on you?
Barclay: In view of the fact that "Reg" is the first syllable of "Regulan blood worm" -- yes.

Holo-Troi: I am the Goddess of Empathy. Cast off your inhibitions! Embrace truth, joy...and me!
Barclay: My kind of goddess. Rrrowwr.

La Forge: Captain, we've had several odd malfunctions since we stopped off at the Mikulak planet to pick up those tissue samples.
Data: Mr. Barclay has theorized that the shirt-wetting dribble glass and the tippy antigrav platform may have a common explanation.
Picard: You think that some prankster may have bought them at a Mikulak joke shop?
Barclay: My, uh, theory isn't that specific on details yet, sir.

La Forge: Computer, locate Lieutenant Barclay.
Computer: Lieutenant Barclay is in Holodeck Two running a simulation of "The Three Musketeers."
La Forge: The Three Musketeers?
Computer: A swashbuckling tale about four swordsmen.
La Forge: That doesn't make sense.
Computer: Blame Alexandre Dumas for the stupid title, not me.

Holo-Picard, Holo-Data and Holo-La Forge: All for one and one for all!
Barclay: En garde, musketeers! I can take you on all at once!
Holo-Picard: You make me laugh, sir! I, Porthos, am quite able to handle you on my own!
Barclay: Hah! Come one step closer and I shall skewer you like a cube of cheese, you dog!

La Forge: So what's with the holographic simulations of your crewmates?
Barclay: I, uh, use them to blow off some steam. To take a break from my social ineptitude.
La Forge: It might be more helpful for you to talk to Counselor Troi.
Barclay: C-C-Counselor Troi? I'm, uh, n-n-not sure that would be a good idea.
La Forge: Go on, give her a try. And don't worry -- she's a real goddess of empathy.

O'Brien: See what happens when I send a test object through the transporter? It comes back as a pile of twisted junk.
La Forge: Yikes -- that's scary enough to a give a person transporter phobia. I'll ask Barclay to take a look at this thing right away.

Troi: One of your officers came in for counseling today.
La Forge: That must be Barclay. How did the session go?
Troi: Frankly, I think he's hopeless. Have you considered transferring him to another ship?

Riker: Computer, locate Lieutenant Barclay.
Computer: Lieutenant Barclay is in Holodeck Two.
Riker: What's he doing in there?
Computer: You don't want to know.

Troi: These simulations of us obviously represent elements of Mr. Barclay's fantasy life.
Riker: This is outrageous! I refuse to be manipulated like this!
Troi: Oh, lighten up. I think it's cute the way he subtracted several centimetres from your height.
Riker: Well, I think it's cute the way he added several centimetres to your....
Troi: Let's not get into that, if you don't mind.

La Forge: Reg, you're becoming addicted to the Holodeck! You need to face reality for a change!
Barclay: I can't help it. I make friends with fake people in there better than with real people out here.
La Forge: But why do you have to use us as your characters? Why don't you simulate -- well, for instance, the crew of a nice Intrepid-class starship or something?
Barclay: I suppose I could...but I'd like to at least keep Counselor Troi in my programs.

La Forge: (over the comm) The engines have run wild, Captain. Our velocity is increasing and we can't figure out why.
Data: Confirmed. In fifteen minutes, the Enterprise will set a new Starfleet speed record....
Riker: Good. Another proud accomplishment for the Federation flagship.
Data: ...just before it explodes.
Picard: So much for the idea of putting a new award plaque on the Ready Room wall.

La Forge: Think, people! What could be causing all these bizarre malfunctions?
Barclay: Maybe there's, um, a problem with one of us.
Duffy: This is no time to be discussing your systemic inadequacies, Barclay!
Barclay: I mean, maybe there's someone here who handled every one of the affected systems just before they went haywire.
Duffy: This is no time to be discussing me, Barclay!

La Forge: (over the comm) Captain, the malfunctions are being caused by invidium contamination from a broken tissue sample container! We need to flood all our systems with cryonetrium to neutralize it!
Picard: Cryonetrium is a dangerous substance. What you're proposing is too risky.
Data: We now have twenty seconds left before we enter the record books.
Picard: Make it so, Mr. La Forge.

Barclay: After having a long talk with the real Counselor Troi, I've decided say goodbye forever to all of my Holodeck friends.
Holo-La Forge: We understand.
Holo-Picard: Will you be erasing all of your programs?
Barclay: I might keep just one as a souvenir.
Holo-Troi: Have you decided which one?
Barclay: Probably "Vulcan Love Slave, Part Two." I find T'Pol's hot-lube rubdowns to be very relaxing.
(The Enterprise sails away at Lubricious Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.