Hollow PursuitsBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:23 PM GMT
See Also: 'Hollow Pursuits' Episode Guide
Holo-Troi: Buy me a drink, dreamboat?
Barclay: Bartender -- a refill for the lovely lady and a scotch for me! No ice! No water!
Holo-Guinan: You want your scotch in a dirty glass, tough guy?
Barclay: Who said I wanted a glass?
Holo-Troi: It's too bad you broke that bottle over Commander Riker's head.
Barclay: No big loss, babe. I used the one that was almost empty.
La Forge: (over the comm) Lieutenant Barclay, report to Cargo Bay 5.
Barclay: Duty calls, sweetheart.
La Forge: What?
Barclay: Uh, that was Humphrey Bogart you heard, sir. I'm watching an old movie.
Riker: And why were you late for duty this time, Mr. Broccoli...er, I mean Mr. Barclay?
Barclay: Uh...well, you see, I overslept because a metaphasic radiation field rejuvenated me towards adolescence and....
La Forge: Do you take me for an idiot? I wouldn't believe an excuse like that even from Lieutenant Woof! Er, I mean....
Riker: Barclay's hopeless, Captain. I think we should transfer him to the U.S.S. Elba.
Picard: Let's not give up on him too soon. Geordi, try to make friends with Barclay and bring him out of his shell.
La Forge: But what about the Elba? Their Engineering section really needs an extra diagnostic specialist.
Picard: As I recall, they asked for a crash test dummy, not for a live engineer.
La Forge: Do we have to interpret their request that narrowly, sir?
La Forge: Reg, I'd like you to attend tomorrow's Engineering staff meeting.
Barclay: If Ensign Crusher is going to be there, sir, could you, uh, not call me "Reg" in front of him?
La Forge: Why? Are you worried he'll pin another nickname on you?
Barclay: In view of the fact that "Reg" is the first syllable of "Regulan blood worm" -- yes.
Holo-Troi: I am the Goddess of Empathy. Cast off your inhibitions! Embrace truth, joy...and me!
Barclay: My kind of goddess. Rrrowwr.
La Forge: Captain, we've had several odd malfunctions since we stopped off at the Mikulak planet to pick up those tissue samples.
Data: Mr. Barclay has theorized that the shirt-wetting dribble glass and the tippy antigrav platform may have a common explanation.
Picard: You think that some prankster may have bought them at a Mikulak joke shop?
Barclay: My, uh, theory isn't that specific on details yet, sir.
La Forge: Computer, locate Lieutenant Barclay.
Computer: Lieutenant Barclay is in Holodeck Two running a simulation of "The Three Musketeers."
La Forge: The Three Musketeers?
Computer: A swashbuckling tale about four swordsmen.
La Forge: That doesn't make sense.
Computer: Blame Alexandre Dumas for the stupid title, not me.
Holo-Picard, Holo-Data and Holo-La Forge: All for one and one for all!
Barclay: En garde, musketeers! I can take you on all at once!
Holo-Picard: You make me laugh, sir! I, Porthos, am quite able to handle you on my own!
Barclay: Hah! Come one step closer and I shall skewer you like a cube of cheese, you dog!
La Forge: So what's with the holographic simulations of your crewmates?
Barclay: I, uh, use them to blow off some steam. To take a break from my social ineptitude.
La Forge: It might be more helpful for you to talk to Counselor Troi.
Barclay: C-C-Counselor Troi? I'm, uh, n-n-not sure that would be a good idea.
La Forge: Go on, give her a try. And don't worry -- she's a real goddess of empathy.
O'Brien: See what happens when I send a test object through the transporter? It comes back as a pile of twisted junk.
La Forge: Yikes -- that's scary enough to a give a person transporter phobia. I'll ask Barclay to take a look at this thing right away.
Troi: One of your officers came in for counseling today.
La Forge: That must be Barclay. How did the session go?
Troi: Frankly, I think he's hopeless. Have you considered transferring him to another ship?
Riker: Computer, locate Lieutenant Barclay.
Computer: Lieutenant Barclay is in Holodeck Two.
Riker: What's he doing in there?
Computer: You don't want to know.
Troi: These simulations of us obviously represent elements of Mr. Barclay's fantasy life.
Riker: This is outrageous! I refuse to be manipulated like this!
Troi: Oh, lighten up. I think it's cute the way he subtracted several centimetres from your height.
Riker: Well, I think it's cute the way he added several centimetres to your....
Troi: Let's not get into that, if you don't mind.
La Forge: Reg, you're becoming addicted to the Holodeck! You need to face reality for a change!
Barclay: I can't help it. I make friends with fake people in there better than with real people out here.
La Forge: But why do you have to use us as your characters? Why don't you simulate -- well, for instance, the crew of a nice Intrepid-class starship or something?
Barclay: I suppose I could...but I'd like to at least keep Counselor Troi in my programs.
La Forge: (over the comm) The engines have run wild, Captain. Our velocity is increasing and we can't figure out why.
Data: Confirmed. In fifteen minutes, the Enterprise will set a new Starfleet speed record....
Riker: Good. Another proud accomplishment for the Federation flagship.
Data: ...just before it explodes.
Picard: So much for the idea of putting a new award plaque on the Ready Room wall.
La Forge: Think, people! What could be causing all these bizarre malfunctions?
Barclay: Maybe there's, um, a problem with one of us.
Duffy: This is no time to be discussing your systemic inadequacies, Barclay!
Barclay: I mean, maybe there's someone here who handled every one of the affected systems just before they went haywire.
Duffy: This is no time to be discussing me, Barclay!
La Forge: (over the comm) Captain, the malfunctions are being caused by invidium contamination from a broken tissue sample container! We need to flood all our systems with cryonetrium to neutralize it!
Picard: Cryonetrium is a dangerous substance. What you're proposing is too risky.
Data: We now have twenty seconds left before we enter the record books.
Picard: Make it so, Mr. La Forge.
Barclay: After having a long talk with the real Counselor Troi, I've decided say goodbye forever to all of my Holodeck friends.
Holo-La Forge: We understand.
Holo-Picard: Will you be erasing all of your programs?
Barclay: I might keep just one as a souvenir.
Holo-Troi: Have you decided which one?
Barclay: Probably "Vulcan Love Slave, Part Two." I find T'Pol's hot-lube rubdowns to be very relaxing.
(The Enterprise sails away at Lubricious Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.