Hide and QBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:06 PM GMT
See Also: 'Hide and Q' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: We have received a distress call from the Sigma Three system requesting medical assitance. I certainly hope the rest of the Federation's colonies aren't this helpless, or we'll be spending the next seven years chasing after mining disasters and hostage situations.
La Forge: Sir, I'm detecting a large insidious grid of doom.
Picard: Dammit! Q, this isn't a good time.
Q: Why, am I interrupting Coronation Street again?
Picard: Well, yes, but I already had to miss it for this rescue mission.
Q: But this is your lucky day! You've been selected to take part in the Continuum's latest reality series. We're calling it Survivor... or possibly Ridiculously Outnumbered Mortals.
Picard: Sorry, but we're not interested.
Q: We have cookies.
Worf: Oo, cookies.
Riker: We don't have time for stupid games, Q!
Q: Don't have what?
Riker: Time for stupid games!
Q: It is? Well, why didn't you say so?
Picard: Hello? Anyone? Great, I'm stuck on a ship of the Baldies.
Riker: Where are we?
Worf: And more importantly, where are the cookies?
Picard: Security? Engineering? Anyone? What is this, some kind of shrinking-bubble alternate universe?
Q: Sit, Commander. Refresh yourselves before the games begin. Can I offer you something to drink?
Riker: Wow! Old-fashioned lemonade! Just what I wanted!
Worf: Prune juice?
Data: The setting for this reality series appears to be the Napoleonic war.
Q: Well, I was just planning on a game of Risk, but now that you mention it, a real battle would be splendid! I think I'll be Napoleon.
Yar: That's pretty stu--
Riker: Hey! What did you do to her?
Q: She's being penalized.
Worf: But I liked her as a woman!
Picard: This is far too stressful. I need to relax. Computer, tea, Earl Grey, hot. --Dammit!
Picard: Lieutenant Yar! Do you have any tea?
Yar: No, sir, I'm in the penalty box.
Picard: The penalty box?
Yar: If anyone else makes a mistake, I'll vanish into nothingness. But sir, I'm too young to die!
Picard: Yes, I know. But don't worry -- I'm sure you won't always feel that way.
Riker: Well, Mr. Worf, what did you find out about these enemy soldiers approaching?
Worf: It doesn't look good, sir.
Riker: The soldiers are actually vicious animal-like creatures and those aren't really antique muskets they're carrying?
Worf: And they don't appear to have any cookies at all.
Picard: I don't understand you, Q. Why this obsession with games, and historic battles?
Q: The battle of Waterloo doesn't interest you? Perhaps the Alamo? Or Wolf 359?
Picard: Wolf 359?
Q: It's on my "To Indirectly Cause" list.
Riker: I knew those weren't muskets. Unless... Data, did they have plasma weapons in the 18th centu-- Q! Give Data his body back!
Data/Q: Surprise! You have Q powers!
Riker: I do? Wow! How do I use them?
Data/Q: Just snap your fingers!
La Forge: Then what's with the ruby slippers he's wearing?
Data/Q: He's been wearing those all week.
Picard: TEA, EARL GREY, HOT! Q! This time you've gone too far! The line must be drawn here! Here, and no further!
(Systems come back online)
Picard: About time. Picard to Engineering -- how long ago since we were stopped by the insidious grid of doom?
Engineer: (over the comm) ...Sir?
Picard: Lieutenant, the time! I need to know the exact time!
Yar: The same as before Q showed up, sir.
Picard: ...Oh. Never mind, then.
La Forge: Phew. That was a close one.
Picard: Report! And where is Commander Riker?
Worf: He must still be on the planet.
Picard: I'm sure he'll be all right. Q only came to see Riker. He said he was interested in him.
Yar: And stranded the two of them on a remote planet? Does this mean Q's reality series is Queer Eye for the Bearded Guy now?
Worf: Commander Riker does not have a beard.
Yar: Yeah, but who knows if I'll get a shot at making that joke later.
Q: Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as... as... as a charismatic omnipotent being and his bumbling but charming sidekick!
Riker: That sounds a lot like the job I already have. At least according to the captain.
Q: At first I thought your species was a barbaric, savage race. Now I know better.
Riker: So you've changed your opinion of humanity, and you'll never put us on trial again?
La Forge: Oh no! We're back on the planet!
Yar: And we're unarmed!
Worf: And the soldiers are approaching again!
Picard: This must be some form of torture Q has devised.
Data: What is your reasoning for that, sir?
Wesley: Where are we? What's going on? Why am I here?
Data: Ah. I see.
Worf: CHAAAAARGE! GAK!
Wesley: Oh no! Worf! GAK!
Picard: I'm sensing a pattern here. Riker, go attack those soldiers.
Riker: You can't fool me, I have Q powers now.
Riker: Haha! Back on the Enterprise, safe and sound. Am I cool now, or what?
Captain's Log: We've arrived at the scene of our rescue mission, but I think I speak for all of us when I say the more pressing concern is the possibility that Commander Riker's Q powers make him cooler than the rest of us.
Picard: Promise you won't use your Q powers?
Crusher: This little girl is dead.
Data: Sir, perhaps you could use your Q powers.
Riker: I promised I wouldn't.
Picard: Well, Number One?
Riker: I didn't use my Q powers. Now people are dead.
Picard: And we're all very proud of you for that.
Riker: Well, everyone, I have summoned you all here to the bridge to let you know that I have Q powers, and am therefore superior to you puny mortals. Any questions?
La Forge: How can you be sure that this much power won't corrupt you?
Riker: Fool! Can't you see I'm far too powerful to be corrupted?
Q: Well, Riker, you have Q powers. What are you going to do now?
Riker: I'm sending everyone to Disneyworld!
Riker: Wow, I've just realized how wrong this is. I guess I'll have to refuse my Q powers.
Q: In that case, it seems I have no choice.
Picard: You'll have to admit that humans aren't a barbaric, savage race?
Q: No, I'll have to go to Disneyworld by myself. So long, suckers!
Riker: Sir, I feel like a complete idiot.
Picard: You are a complete idiot.
Riker: You're right. Maybe I'd be smarter if I grew a beard....
Picard: Don't be ridiculous, Number One. Hair has nothing to do with intelligence.
Riker: Hey, I offered to fix your little problem while I had Q powers.
Picard: Bite me.
(The Enterprise sails off at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.