Half a LifeBy KJP
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:32 PM GMT
See Also: 'Half a Life' Episode Guide
Counselor's Log: Mom's here!
Captain's Log: Crap.
Picard: Welcome to the Enterprise, Dr. Timicin.
Timicin: Gentle-MEN. And lady.
Lwaxana: Hello, future husband.
Picard: Number One, I'm worried that Lwaxana will be too much of a nuisance for our guest. Would you...
Timicin: Pardon my interruption, captain, I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to such a lovely and gracious woman as Mrs. Troi.
Picard: Okay, now I'm REALLY worried.
Worf: Mrs. Troi, what are you doing on the Bridge?
Lwaxana: Ooooh, what does THIS button do?
Worf: Wait, no....
Worf: Captain, Mrs. Troi has just jettisoned this episode's romantic comedy plot.
Picard: (over the comm) Oh well, nothing we can do about that now. Switch to the backup plot system.
Worf: Aye, sir. Initiating preachy, moralistic plot sequence now.
La Forge: Our calculations are complete, and we're ready to go.
Picard: Very good. Dr. Timicin, you may now lay your egg.
Timicin: Excuse me?
Picard: Sorry, I was thinking of someone else. Mr. Worf, fire torpedoes.
Worf: One moment, sir. I need to remove the Lwaxana-proof lock from the controls.
La Forge: AND, I've got a star temperature of 150 million degrees Kelvin, do I hear 160? 160? 160? I got 160, do I hear 170? 170, do I hear 200?
Timicin: Uh, 220?
La Forge: We've got 220. Going once, going twice....
La Forge: Whoa, we got new bidders, we got 222, we got 250, we got 300, we got 407.7, look out, she's gonna blow!
Lwaxana: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry it didn't work out.
Timicin: That's all right. I just have to go and kill myself now.
Lwaxana: My, you ARE taking this hard.
Timicin: You don't understand, I'm about to turn 60.
Lwaxana: Well, why don't you just say you're turning 39 again like everyone else does?
Lwaxana: Jean-Luc, you have to do something to stop Timicin from taking part in the Resolution!
Picard: It's none of my business if he wants to overthrow his government.
Lwaxana: Re-SO-lution, Jean-Luc! It's ritual suicide!
Picard: Oh. Well, I still can't do anything. I'm bound by the Prime Directive.
Lwaxana: But I thought that only applied to pre-warp cultures?
Picard: Only in months with an "R".
Picard: Look, what part of "no" don't you understand?
Lwaxana: When it comes from you, the whole thing.
Timicin: Captain, I just spent the night with Lwaxana, and now, I don't want to kill myself.
Picard: Well, there's a switch. But what about the color of the crystal in your palm?
Timicin: It turns out that's from an entirely different movie.
B'Tardat: What do you mean, you're not coming back for your Resolution?
Timicin: I know what went wrong with my experiment, I just need to finish my work so I can save our world.
B'Tardat: But your work will be in vain. You know what the penalty is for failing to participate in the Resolution.
Timicin: Oh, no, not....
B'Tardat: Yes. The "LA-LA-LA-LA-WE'RE NOT LISTENING" treatment.
Timicin: Lwaxana, I think I may have to go back.
Lwaxana: To die? But why?
Timicin: For many reasons, but most of all, for the sake of my loving family.
Dara: Father, why won't you die?
Timicin: You see what I mean?
Timicin: I have finally decided to go through with the Resolution.
Lwaxana: And, as his loved one, I will attend the ceremony. Two to beam down.
Picard: How touching....
Picard: ...helm, maximum warp, NOW!
(Picard ditches Lwaxana at Ludicrous Speed)
KJP is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.