Future ImperfectBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:27 PM GMT
See Also: 'Future Imperfect' Episode Guide
People: Happy Birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You smell like a monkey, and you play the 'bone like one too.
Riker: I'm not sure if I'm more upset at the song or the fact that I've never met over half of you.
Troi: You won't be upset with me after I give you my present. First we get in a bathtub, then I shave your beard, and then --
Picard: (over the comm) Oooh, there's a fog machine on the planet! Go check it out, Will.
Crusher: Go into the light.... Go into the light....
Riker: Huh? What's going on?
Crusher: Oh, great. He's alive and he's lost his memory.
Riker: I don't remember losing my memory.
Crusher: Sigh. This is going to take a while. I'm Beverly. Remember me?
Riker: You're trapped in a warp bubble?
Crusher: Sixteen years ago, you beamed down, found a toxic fog machine, caught a virus, and have now lost your memory since that time.
Riker: Can you be more specific?
Crusher: According to this brain scan, the virus you contracted caused a split infinitive in your gerund leading to --
Riker: Doctor, use English!
Crusher: You've lost the past sixteen years of your memory.
Riker: So Data's my first officer now?
B4: Actually, I'm not Data.
Riker: Sure, whatever.
Nog: A Romulan ship will be decloaking.
Riker: I'll be looking forward to it.
B4: Why are you talking like that?
Riker: No, "Why will you be talking like that?" Remember, it's future imperfect.
Picard: So you lost your memory? Ha ha. Sucks to be you.
Riker: Geez, you don't have to be so mean.
Picard: Sure, I do. It's one of the perks of admiralty. The other is ordering you to make peace with the Romulans.
Riker: I've never trusted Romulans, and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my boy.
Troi: Then you remember?
Riker: Remember what?
Troi: Um, nothing. Never mind.
Jean-Luc: Will, you are my father.
Riker: No, that's not true! That's impossible!
Troi: Um, no, it's not. And with the way you get around, I bet he's got some brothers and sisters.
Riker: Don't mess up the movie quote.
Riker: So where's his mother, anyway?
Troi: She's dead. Died of a computer purge.
Troi: Plot point. Never mind.
Tomalak: I'm honored to be the first Romulan to freely move about the Enterprise and plant bombs anywhere I want.
Picard: The honor is ours.
Tomalak: An historic occasion: We come in peace; you leave in pieces -- I mean, in peace.
Riker: I don't trust him.
Troi: I don't sense anything wrong.
Tomalak: It will also be nice to finally get our hands on all that classified information about the location of Outpost 23.
Crusher: Your son hurt himself. And while you're here, let me give you some advice on raising a kid.
Riker: And have my son turn out like Wesley? No, thanks.
Crusher: Well, at least let me tell you what not to do.
Riker: Sniff. I love you, son.
Jean-Luc: Sniff. I love you too, dad.
Riker: Sniff. My dad sucked.
Jean-Luc: Yeah, mine too.
Riker: Computer, show me the little woman.
Computer: You've had countless romantic encounters; please specify.
Jean-Luc: Try giving it a stardate. Computer, show the picture of mom from stardate 11001001.
Riker: Isn't that kind of long for a stardate?
Jean-Luc: Um, it was a leap year.
Riker: I love you, son.
Jean-Luc: I love you too, dad. Hey, where's mom?
Riker: Good point. Computer, activate EMH.
Minuet: Please state the nature of the maternal emergency.
Riker: This is all a hoax, and I can prove it! Worf, where'd you get that scar?
Worf: In battle against the Dominion.
Riker: Ha! Whoever heard of the Dominion? And, Data, what's the square root of two?
B4: I'm not Data.
Riker: Ha! You used a contraction!
B4: Data normally uses contractions in fivers.
Riker: Whatever. Why don't we end this silly episode?
Tomalak: Party pooper.
Tomalak: So what didn't strike a chord? We figured you'd waltz right through our simulated future.
Riker: It was Minuet who made me face the music.
Tomalak: But we chose a love interest who was canon.
Riker: Too bad she was just a jazzed up hologram.
Tomalak: Sigh. All right, standard bad guy routine, tell me about Outpost 23.
Riker: It was built after Outpost 22, but before Outpost 24.
Tomalak: I hate you.
Ethan: I'm scared of you.
Riker: Don't be scared.
Ethan: Oh, okay. Let's escape then.
Tomalak: We're going to let you escape now.
Riker: This is just a bit too convenient. Gasp! This is all a hoax too, isn't it?
Ethan: Party pooper.
Picard: (over the comm) Geez, took you long enough. Did you find the fog machine?
Riker: There is no fog machine.
Barash: So I'm actually insect-boy and I kidnapped you so we could play house together.
Riker: That's okay. I forgive you.
Barash: Can I be a recurring character?
Riker: I think that's going a bit far. Riker to Enterprise, one to beam up.
(Riker leaves Barash at Ludicrous Speed)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.