RSS iconTwitter iconFacebook icon

TrekToday title image

The Trek Nation - First Contact

First Contact

By IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:30 PM GMT

See Also: 'First Contact' Episode Guide

Tava: Actually I was thinking more along the lines of looking for a pulse.
Nilrem: Right. We'll just pull off his socks and -- dear God!
Tava: Wow, five toes!
Nilrem: Not that, his socks -- they're obscenely linty!

Riker: Where am I?
Berel: In the Hospital of Impending --
Riker: Doom?
Berel: Chairs. By the way, do you have a rational explanation for your funktastical anatomy?
Riker: I'm from China. As a boy I was caught in a mechanical rice picker and --
Berel: I didn't think so.

Doctor: I think he's lying.
Berel: Of course he's lying! China can't afford mechanical rice pickers....

Mirasta: ...in conclusion, warp drive kicks as kicks does, so give me lots of grant money.
Durken: Bravo, I'm sold!
Krola: Sir, you say that about everything. I propose we replace you as a ruler with a sentient ostrich.
Durken: Bravo, I'm sold!
Krola: I rest my case.

Picard: Nanoo, nanoo!
Troi: Phone Home!
Mirasta: Hmm... you appear to be new around here.
Picard: Perhaps, but we can reverse the situation, right O'Brien?
O'Brien: (over the comm) Yub! Yub!

Mirasta: Wow, what a nice tour of the ship that was. Too bad it was offscreen.
Picard: Don't worry, they're all like that. Now then, what would happen if we hovered over the capital city with our saucer section and caused massive damage to major urban areas, at least until we were stopped by a computer virus?
Mirasta: I don't think my people would like you very much, but they'd still be dumb enough to spring for a sequel.
Picard: I see. Well then, what would happen if we discretely relocated our first officer?
Mirasta: I'm sure that could be done with serial success.

Riker: Ah, there you are. I've been hitting this damn page button for almost a minute!
Berel: Huh? That's the timer for the automatic bed.
Riker: Wha-- (THWUMP!)
Berel: Hmm, perhaps you're a bit too slow to be "advanced alien intelligence."
Riker: mMmphRMmf!

Mirasta: Gentleman... behold!
Durken: Bravo, I'm sold!
Picard: (aside to Mirasta) He didn't see me yet, right?
Mirasta: Give him time, I'm sure you'll be a hit once he does.

Picard: So, now that you've seen the ship and know why we're here, what do you think?
Durken: Bravo, I'm sold!
Picard: ...I figured as much. (sigh) What do you think of the Federation?
Durken: Well, taking into account the geopolitical environment of our world, and the new socioeconomic policies which would be introduced by your rapidly-expanding alliance, I think my world would have a difficult time adjusting to the demands of an extra-global alliance -- but it could be done with gradual steps towards coexistence.
(Pause)
Picard: Bravo, I'm sold!

Lanel: Are you an alien?
Riker: Yes, Miss..?
Lanel: My name is as indicated, but you can call me
Lilith. Can you be my Kirk?
Riker: I don't know....
Lanel: Okay, so you're no Kirk. But I can still pretend....

Riker: Thanks for helping me escape the compound.
Lanel: Thanks for helping me escape reality....
Doctors: Freeze!
Riker: No -- ACK!
Lanel: Reality check; he's definitely not Kirk.

Krola: I for one am not sold. Today the world must declare in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish, without a fight. We're going to live on. We're going to survive." Today, we celebrate... our Independence Day!
Durken: Bravo, I'm--
Mirasta: What nonsense. They're trying to help us.
Durken: Brav--
Krola: I'll prove it! We have an alien in our custody! Mirasta, knew, and didn't tell you!
Durken: (stupefied look)
Mirasta: Two words: plausible deniability.

Krola: That's it?
Berel: You know, they're really not all that different from us.
Krola: Does that mean a brutal, stimulant-heavy interrogation until death would be just as easy to perform on him as it would be on you?
Berel: If you're trying to get me to kill this patient, I've sworn a hypocritical oath. I will not harm him.
Krola: You are so fired.

Picard: Hey, how're you? I'm fine, thanks. Say, could I have my first officer back?
Durken: I'll tell you what. I'll place an order, but you know how tricky shipping can be.... give me six to eight weeks.
Picard: I'd get all staunchly angry, but I'm afraid the first rule of first contact is "service with a smile"

Krola: Hi I'm Krola, but you can call me Kroke.
Riker: Hi I'm Riker, but you can slowly rub off my ears with sandpaper before telling me another joke. Please.
Krola: I'd take you up on that, but I'm afraid I've got an alien conspiracy to fabricate. GAK!
Riker: Krap.

Mirasta: What happened?
Crusher: Krola attempted to sacrifice himself in order to save your planet. He might have gotten away with his framing of Riker, if he had been firing a phaser at himself instead of a combadge.
Krola: And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling Feds.
Crusher: Something like that.

Durken: In light of recent events, it has become increasingly clear that the social conflicts and barbaric incivility which has gone so unchecked in years past shall inhibit the civilization, which we have forged through eons of hardship and strife, from ever reaching out into the great beyond and--
Picard: Yes, yes. "Keep Out". We hear you. Mirasta?
Mirasta: Can I stay?
Picard: No.
Mirasta: Please?
Picard: No.
Mirasta: I have jujubes....
Picard: Bravo, I'm sold!
(The Enterprise sells away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.