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The Trek Nation - Face of the Enemy

Face of the Enemy

By Nic Corelli
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:45 PM GMT

See Also: 'Face of the Enemy' Episode Guide

Troi: AAAAAH! What have you done to me?
N'Vek: The mirror is right there, can you really not figure it out for yourself?
Troi: It was a rhetorical screaming; I am a Master of the Obvious, after all. AAAAAH!
N'Vek: Hey, stop that! No need to worry, Romulan plastic surgery is very sophisticated.
Troi: How dare you mess with my perfect skin? Years of moisturizing gone to waste!

N'Vek: My name is N'Vek.
Troi: Hi, N'Vek. My name is Dea....
N'Vek: Wrong! From now on you will refer to yourself as Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar. And you will help me, for I have a cunning plan.
Troi: How cunning?
N'Vek: As cunning as a fox that studied cunningness in Cambridge.
Troi: Sounds cunning.

Troi: I am Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar.
Toreth: What? Is that some kind of a threat?
Troi: No, I was merely introducing myse....
Toreth: I won't let you have my ship, you dastardly hyena!
Troi: (whispers to N'Vek) Is she always this antagonistic towards the Tal Shiar?
N'Vek: Nah, she just missed her morning coffee.

DeSeve: Howdy.
Riker: Argh! Guards! Arrest this traitor immediately!
DeSeve: Wait! I must urgently speak to Captain Picard. I bring a secret message from the Pointy Eared One.
Riker: You lived on Romulus, man. Which pointy eared one?
DeSeve: The one and only!

Picard: What do you want, you treacherous defector man, you?
DeSeve: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once!
Picard: (sips Earl Grey) Sorry, come again?
DeSeve: (mutter) I am a member of the Romulan underground resistance. I bring an urgent message from Agent Spook.
Riker: Agent Spook, the pointy eared one? Who lives on Romulus? Now who could that be?
Picard: Damned if I know.

N'Vek: We need your help to deliver this cargo to the Federation. It contains a Romulan Viceconsul and two of his aides. If we fail, the Viceconsul will be killed.
Troi: Sucks to be the Viceconsul.
N'Vek: You would be sentenced with espionage and executed.
Troi: Sucks to be Deanna, as well.

Toreth: Knock knock.
Troi: Pfft.
Toreth: Knock knock!
Troi: Oh, all right. Who's there?
Toreth: An evil Tal Shiar officer trying to take control of my Warbird!
Troi: Your Warbird?
Toreth: My Warbird!
Troi: Your Warbird?
Toreth: My Warbird!
Troi: I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME ON IT!

Troi: Have we reached the Kaleb sector?
Toreth: Why are we going to the Kaleb sect--
Troi: Shut up.
N'Vek: Aye. The Corvallen freighter is waiting for us.
Toreth: Why are we meeting the Corvallen freigh--
Troi: Shut up.
N'Vek: They are hailing us, asking when they will get their cargo.
Toreth: I am the commanding officer of this Warbird and I demand to know what kind of carg--
Troi: Do kindly zip it already or I shall have you ejected into space. Hokay?

Corvallen pilot: We await your cargo, teehee... that we shall safely transport to the arranged location... mwahaha.
Troi: I sense deception.
N'Vek: (fires disrupters and destroys the freighter)
Toreth: GASP! Why did you kill them all?
N'Vek: Um... She told me to!
Toreth: You stupid woman! Don't you know that the Corvallens use evil laughter as normal form of conversation?
Troi: Well... I do now.

DeSeve: Okay, the secret message goes... The Eagle has landed.
Riker: Hmm, what could that mean?
Picard: Aha! We must proceed to the Kaleb sector and meet with the Corvallen freighter!
Riker: How did you know that?
Picard: I am old and sage!

Troi: How could you destroy the Corvallen freighter? You monster!
N'Vek: Oh come on. There were only 18 of them.
Troi: If there were 1800, you would have fired anyway!
N'Vek: 18, 1800, 18 million... Really, you and your nitpicking....

N'Vek: Sensors are detecting a starship... Commander, it's the Enterprise!
Toreth: GASP! Ready disrupters, prepare to obliterate!
Troi: Um... no... let's not destroy it. It's not a threat to us. I mean, look how small it is... (points fingers at the viewscreen) It's tiny!
(silence)
Toreth: It's not small, it's far away!

Toreth: Set a collision course with the Enterprise!
Troi: And what would that accomplish?
Toreth: Let's see who's tougher here. We and the Enterprise are going to play a little game of Chicken! Those cowardly humans will run within seconds.
Troi: That might be tricky. In case you've forgotten, we are cloaked.
Toreth: BRAAAAAKE!

Troi: Greetings, puny human. I wish to transport to your vessel, to discuss the situation.
Picard: Okay. Channel out.
(39 seconds later)
Worf: For the love of Kahless! Counselor Troi has seized control of the Romulan Warbird!
Picard: Oh, sure. And I suppose Saudi Arabia won the Olympic Ice Hockey gold?
Worf: I'm telling you she did!
Picard: Mr. Worf, have you ever been interested in writing comedy?
Worf: YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!
Picard: (laughs maniacally) Stop it, Worf, you're killing me!

Picard: You may transport aboard our ship, Major. Shields lowered... now.
Troi: Mwahahaha! You fell for that old trick! Fire at that ridiculous space goose!
Riker: (faints)
Warbird: (fires)
Romulan Viceconsul: (beams away)
Toreth: Right. I don't get it. If you need me, I'll be in my ready room.

Toreth: Wait a minute! The ineffective disrupter fire was merely a diversion to conceal a transporter beam from the Enterprise!
Troi: You're a genius. The Nobel Prize must be in the mail.
Toreth: And you're a traitor! Evil, sneaky, double-crossing traitor! I bet you're not even a Romulan!
Troi: You sound upset, perhaps even angry.
Toreth: Aha! Betazoid!
Enterprise Transporter Beam: WHOOSH!
Troi: I promise I'll write!

Romulan Officer: How strange for a Starfleet officer to pose undercover as a Romulan agent! The Federation is devious and deceptive!
Toreth: I know! I cannot convey how deeply I admire them now!
Romulan Officer: And this woman who was on our ship... I'm absolutely certain she's one of their most dangerous and cold-blooded secret agents!
Toreth: There's no doubt about it!

Crusher: So how does it feel, now that you no longer wear the face of the enemy?
Troi: Okay. Although I kind of liked the ears of the enemy. Can I, by any chance, keep them?
Picard: NO! Absolutely not! No pointy-eared green-blooded hobgoblins on my Bridge!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Nic Corelli is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.