Face of the EnemyBy Nic Corelli
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:45 PM GMT
See Also: 'Face of the Enemy' Episode Guide
Troi: AAAAAH! What have you done to me?
N'Vek: The mirror is right there, can you really not figure it out for yourself?
Troi: It was a rhetorical screaming; I am a Master of the Obvious, after all. AAAAAH!
N'Vek: Hey, stop that! No need to worry, Romulan plastic surgery is very sophisticated.
Troi: How dare you mess with my perfect skin? Years of moisturizing gone to waste!
N'Vek: My name is N'Vek.
Troi: Hi, N'Vek. My name is Dea....
N'Vek: Wrong! From now on you will refer to yourself as Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar. And you will help me, for I have a cunning plan.
Troi: How cunning?
N'Vek: As cunning as a fox that studied cunningness in Cambridge.
Troi: Sounds cunning.
Troi: I am Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar.
Toreth: What? Is that some kind of a threat?
Troi: No, I was merely introducing myse....
Toreth: I won't let you have my ship, you dastardly hyena!
Troi: (whispers to N'Vek) Is she always this antagonistic towards the Tal Shiar?
N'Vek: Nah, she just missed her morning coffee.
Riker: Argh! Guards! Arrest this traitor immediately!
DeSeve: Wait! I must urgently speak to Captain Picard. I bring a secret message from the Pointy Eared One.
Riker: You lived on Romulus, man. Which pointy eared one?
DeSeve: The one and only!
Picard: What do you want, you treacherous defector man, you?
DeSeve: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once!
Picard: (sips Earl Grey) Sorry, come again?
DeSeve: (mutter) I am a member of the Romulan underground resistance. I bring an urgent message from Agent Spook.
Riker: Agent Spook, the pointy eared one? Who lives on Romulus? Now who could that be?
Picard: Damned if I know.
N'Vek: We need your help to deliver this cargo to the Federation. It contains a Romulan Viceconsul and two of his aides. If we fail, the Viceconsul will be killed.
Troi: Sucks to be the Viceconsul.
N'Vek: You would be sentenced with espionage and executed.
Troi: Sucks to be Deanna, as well.
Toreth: Knock knock.
Toreth: Knock knock!
Troi: Oh, all right. Who's there?
Toreth: An evil Tal Shiar officer trying to take control of my Warbird!
Troi: Your Warbird?
Toreth: My Warbird!
Troi: Your Warbird?
Toreth: My Warbird!
Troi: I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME ON IT!
Troi: Have we reached the Kaleb sector?
Toreth: Why are we going to the Kaleb sect--
Troi: Shut up.
N'Vek: Aye. The Corvallen freighter is waiting for us.
Toreth: Why are we meeting the Corvallen freigh--
Troi: Shut up.
N'Vek: They are hailing us, asking when they will get their cargo.
Toreth: I am the commanding officer of this Warbird and I demand to know what kind of carg--
Troi: Do kindly zip it already or I shall have you ejected into space. Hokay?
Corvallen pilot: We await your cargo, teehee... that we shall safely transport to the arranged location... mwahaha.
Troi: I sense deception.
N'Vek: (fires disrupters and destroys the freighter)
Toreth: GASP! Why did you kill them all?
N'Vek: Um... She told me to!
Toreth: You stupid woman! Don't you know that the Corvallens use evil laughter as normal form of conversation?
Troi: Well... I do now.
DeSeve: Okay, the secret message goes... The Eagle has landed.
Riker: Hmm, what could that mean?
Picard: Aha! We must proceed to the Kaleb sector and meet with the Corvallen freighter!
Riker: How did you know that?
Picard: I am old and sage!
Troi: How could you destroy the Corvallen freighter? You monster!
N'Vek: Oh come on. There were only 18 of them.
Troi: If there were 1800, you would have fired anyway!
N'Vek: 18, 1800, 18 million... Really, you and your nitpicking....
N'Vek: Sensors are detecting a starship... Commander, it's the Enterprise!
Toreth: GASP! Ready disrupters, prepare to obliterate!
Troi: Um... no... let's not destroy it. It's not a threat to us. I mean, look how small it is... (points fingers at the viewscreen) It's tiny!
Toreth: It's not small, it's far away!
Toreth: Set a collision course with the Enterprise!
Troi: And what would that accomplish?
Toreth: Let's see who's tougher here. We and the Enterprise are going to play a little game of Chicken! Those cowardly humans will run within seconds.
Troi: That might be tricky. In case you've forgotten, we are cloaked.
Troi: Greetings, puny human. I wish to transport to your vessel, to discuss the situation.
Picard: Okay. Channel out.
(39 seconds later)
Worf: For the love of Kahless! Counselor Troi has seized control of the Romulan Warbird!
Picard: Oh, sure. And I suppose Saudi Arabia won the Olympic Ice Hockey gold?
Worf: I'm telling you she did!
Picard: Mr. Worf, have you ever been interested in writing comedy?
Worf: YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!
Picard: (laughs maniacally) Stop it, Worf, you're killing me!
Picard: You may transport aboard our ship, Major. Shields lowered... now.
Troi: Mwahahaha! You fell for that old trick! Fire at that ridiculous space goose!
Romulan Viceconsul: (beams away)
Toreth: Right. I don't get it. If you need me, I'll be in my ready room.
Toreth: Wait a minute! The ineffective disrupter fire was merely a diversion to conceal a transporter beam from the Enterprise!
Troi: You're a genius. The Nobel Prize must be in the mail.
Toreth: And you're a traitor! Evil, sneaky, double-crossing traitor! I bet you're not even a Romulan!
Troi: You sound upset, perhaps even angry.
Toreth: Aha! Betazoid!
Enterprise Transporter Beam: WHOOSH!
Troi: I promise I'll write!
Romulan Officer: How strange for a Starfleet officer to pose undercover as a Romulan agent! The Federation is devious and deceptive!
Toreth: I know! I cannot convey how deeply I admire them now!
Romulan Officer: And this woman who was on our ship... I'm absolutely certain she's one of their most dangerous and cold-blooded secret agents!
Toreth: There's no doubt about it!
Crusher: So how does it feel, now that you no longer wear the face of the enemy?
Troi: Okay. Although I kind of liked the ears of the enemy. Can I, by any chance, keep them?
Picard: NO! Absolutely not! No pointy-eared green-blooded hobgoblins on my Bridge!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Nic Corelli is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.