Encounter At FarpointBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:03 PM GMT
Captain's Log: Well, here we go on our very first mission ever. We may face many dangers, but I'm confident that my baldness will see us through.
Picard: Any thoughts on the upcoming mission, folks?
Troi: None of my own, but I can tell you yours.
Data: I'm not much of a thinker at this point. But if you need any synonyms, I'm your man.
Yar: I don't waste time thinking. Life is short. Really, really short.
Worf: No thoughts! Only violence!
Picard: It seems I've found myself on the voyage of the damned.
Q: MWAHAHAHAHA! I've come to put humanity on tr--hey, where's your first officer?
Picard: Riker? He's not on board yet.
Q: You left spacedock without a first officer?
Picard: Doesn't arrive until Tuesday.
Q: Oh, that does it. Prepare to fight my big insidious grid of doom.
Yar: What do we do, sir?
Picard: We test this ship's three most important functions: surrendering, endangering civilians, and running like a little girl.
Troi: In that order?
Picard: No, moron.
Yar: We're going stupidly fast, but the death grid is still catching up.
Picard: Good, good. Data?
Data: We have reached the point of maximum danger to the crew. You may separate the ship.
Picard: Worf, you'll be staying on the saucer.
Worf: But I'm a Klingon warrior!
Picard: Exactly. You're the only one of us who can shut those kids up.
Yar: The battle section is now ready for battle.
Picard: Okay, this is where we surrender.
Yar: You're not doing much to fight stereotypes about the French, sir.
Q: Court is now in session. How do you plead?
Picard: Not guilty.
Q: This court hereby finds you guilty.
Picard: Of what?
Q: Of pleading not guilty.
Riker: Your station seems suspiciously good at wish-fulfillment.
Groppler Zorn: I wish you'd stop investigating that.
Riker: Nice try.
Crusher: Wish-fulfillment? Seems unlikely.
Riker: Here, I'll show you. (ahem) I wish this show had an annoying young prodigy.
Wesley: Hi, everybody!
Crusher: I see your point.
Geordi: The ship has arrived. Well, half of it.
Riker: The half with the whiny kids or the one without?
Picard: Welcome aboard, Riker. Your first duty is--
Riker: --to the truth.
Picard: Well, yes, but that's not what I meant. Your first assignment--
Riker: --was on the Pegasus.
Picard: Cut that out!
Data: Preparing to reunite the ship's sections.
Riker: Take it nice and slow...easy, easy...okay, now engage at Warp 9.
Data: You're going to slam us into the saucer at Warp 9?
Riker: If Picard can separate the ship at warp, then dagnabbit, I can reunite it at warp!
Picard: Your record is good; I'm sure I'll be calling you Number One in no time. One small request, though.
Riker: Sure, no problem.
Picard: I'll need you to deal with the kids.
Riker: I quit.
Data: Thanks for providing a link with the previous series, old geezer.
Admiral McCoy: Any time. You know, you remind me of Spock....
McCoy: ....and Scotty....
Data: I cannae see how.
McCoy: ....and Chekov.
Data: I vonder vhy you vould think that. Wery strange.
Picard: We shouldn't be on the same ship. I'd be a constant reminder to you of how I killed your husband. Er, watched him die.
Crusher: Look, you take any job you can get with a silly name like Crusher.
Picard: You've got nothing on Gates McFadden.
Q: Remember, I'll be watching you on this mission.
Riker: Who's that guy?
Picard: An omniscient being named Q who's putting humanity on trial for barbarism.
Riker: You'd think he'd start with the Klingons....
Picard: Riker, meet Troi, our counselor and stater of the obvious.
Riker: I see you've finally found a job suited to your skills, darling.
Troi: Shove it, babycakes.
Picard: Looks like you two know each other.
Troi: Hey, stop doing my job for me.
Picard: So how did you build this station so quickly?
Picard: A likely story. Tell us or--
Troi: AAAAAH! Oh, the pain!
Picard: Troi, I was trying to make the threat subtly.
Riker: I think she's actually in pain, sir.
Picard: Oh...then I guess we'd better go.
Zorn: Whew! Saved by the belle.
Riker: Why are you doing that awful whistling?
Data: I was attempting to learn about humanity by considering the taste of various varieties of vodka while simultaneously studying the paintings of Whistler. Then I believe I became confused.
Riker: You're going to be an interesting companion. The words "demented" and "unsettling" also spring to mind.
Wesley: Can't I pleeeeease come see the bridge?
Crusher: Dammit, Wesley, my job is tenuous enough as it is!
Riker: There seem to be weird tunnels here in the Bandi city.
Troi: AAAAAH! Oh, the pain!
Geordi: Why do we keep sending her on these away teams?
Riker: Something to do with the Starfleet regulation about gender balance.
Yar: Don't knock the regulation -- it got me this job.
Wesley: Wow, the bridge is so cool! Can I fly the ship? Pleeeeease?
Picard: What the--! Who is responsible for this atrocity?
Picard: You! Beverly, I don't care if it takes me a year -- I'm getting you off this ship!
Crusher: Way to go, kid.
Picard: There's a ship approaching. Do you know something about this?
Zorn: (over the comm) No. Nothing at all.
Picard: It's firing on your city.
Zorn: Honest, I have no idea why that might be.
Picard: The firing pattern is Morse code for "I have come to kill you for what you did, Zorn."
Zorn: Lalalalalala, I can't hear you....
Picard: (over the comm) You'd better go get Zorn.
Riker: Gotcha. Phasers on kill.
Picard: By "get," I just meant "retrieve."
Riker: Okay, Data and I will go. The rest of you can get lost.
Troi: Oh, be careful, Will! I don't know what I'd do if I lost you!
Riker: You'd probably date Worf.
Troi: Nonsense. I don't have to lose you to date Worf.
Picard: Looks like we may have to fire on that ship.
Picard: Will you go away?
Q: Don't worry, I won't interfere. I'll just stand over here and shout "Barbarians!" every few minutes.
Riker: We've come to ask you some questions.
Zorn: Go aw--WHOAAA!
Data: Someone beamed him up. Was that you, Captain?
Picard: (over the comm) No.
Riker: Then it must be...a ghost ship! RUUUUUN!
Troi: I'm sensing satisfaction from the alien ship.
Picard: We can't allow that. Get an away team over there.
Yar: Hmm...the corridors on this ship are just like the ones on the planet.
Data: And there's Zorn.
Riker: Then this must be the ghost ship! RUUUUUN!
Yar: Whose brilliant idea was it to hire that guy?
Worf: Hey, the away team and Zorn are back.
Riker: The ghost ship sent us. Its power is spooky.
Picard: Quiet, Will, I'm trying to think. So the tunnels on that ship are like the ones under the city, and it's attacking Zorn...aha! It must be angry because Zorn copied it!
Q: I'm going to have to give it away, aren't I?
Picard: Yes, you are.
Q: ....and so Farpoint Station is actually another alien like the one out there.
Picard: We must help it! Tasha, send it some energy.
Yar: You're aware that energy has to be in some form, right? We can't just send it "generic" energy. It has to be light or heat or--
Picard: Shut up. Just shut up.
Farpoint Station: Darling! You saved me!
Other Alien: Actually, it was mostly those other guys. But feel free to reward me with sweet jellyfish lovin' anyway.
Troi: There they go. It's so romantic! They're intertwined for eternity like...like...like Chakotay and Seven.
Picard: Ewwwwww! Never say that again! And as for you, Q, get lost.
Q: Okay, but I'll be back.
Picard: Suuuure you will.
Riker: And thus ends our first mission. All that's left is your tagline.
Picard: I've got a good one. (ahem) "Go ahead...make my day."
Riker: It's going to be a long seven years.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.