Devil's DueBy FatMatDuhRat
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:29 PM GMT
See Also: 'Devil's Due' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: I just thought of something... Q is a really cool adversary, but I wonder how I would handle an all-powerful FEMALE alien. (scratches chin, shrugs) Oh well....
Riker: Captain, we're receiving a distress call from the planet Ventax II.
La Forge: Yeah, some Federation scientists are getting totally thrashed.
Troi: I'm sensing great amounts of mayhem and chaos from there.
Picard: Sounds like fun. Engage!
Picard: 'Allo there! (huge grin) Now what seems to be the trouble, hmm?
Jared: Ardra! ARDRA! ARRR-DRAAA!
Data: Sir, I calculate that he is worried about something called an "Ardra."
Picard: Oh really? Well who the devil is that?
(Giant Flash! of light)
Ardra: BwaHAHA! Speak of me, and I shall appear!
Jared: ....and after one thousand years, Ventax is a perfect society because of the deal we made with (gulp) Ardra.
Picard: Hmph! 'Tis false and un-warranted words thou dost speak.
Ardra: Hey baldy, don't make me angry. (tremendous rumble) You won't like me when I'm angry.
Worf: Grrr, you don't scare me!
Ardra: Oh yeah? (Flash! -- changes into Klingon demon) ROAR! HOW ABOUT NOW?
Worf: Aieee! Troi, hide me!
Picard: You're not supernatural. The Enterprise can easily do the exact same thing.
Ardra: Nuh-unh, not while you're on my planet.
Picard: Okay then, fine. Mr. Data --
Picard: -- go play "Sherlock Holmes" for a while.
Data: Oh goodie! (claps hands, dances)
Picard: (ahem) Just find me something good.
Data: Bad news boss, Ventaxian law is on her side.
Picard: Oh dear....
Data: And their "Return of Ardra" clause says that she now owns the Enterprise too.
Picard: (smacks head) D'oh!
Picard: (yawn) Finally, I can get some sleep --
Ardra: (Flash!) 'Allo there handsome!
Picard: What're you doing here?!
Ardra: Oh c'mon genius, anyone can tell why I'm here, alone, in your BED-room....(wink)
Picard: Stop that! Go away I say!
Ardra: (Flash! -- changes into Troi) I sense that you want me to be someone familiar to you....
Picard: UGH! You're repulsive!
Ardra: (Flash!) Even now, Jonny-Wonny?
Picard: GASP! A -- a petticoat! (whispers) My one weakness...a properly dressed woman!
Worf: What did you just say sir?
Picard: (over the comm) Send down Mr. Data in a shuttle along with some clothes for me.
Worf: That's what I thought you said.
Picard: NOW Mr. Worf!
Data: Sir, look! The Enterprise has disappeared!
Picard: Argh! That's it! Take me back to our engineer... he's the only one who knows how to fix a woman and find a ship.
Data: Shouldn't those two terms be reversed, sir?
Picard: Shut up.
Data: Captain, I can help defeat Ardra by becoming a neutral judge and arbitrating her claims.
Data: But if you should fail to win your case, I'll have to sentence you to become one of her precious possessions.
Picard: Yeah, just like when you became a toy for Kivas Fajo.
Picard: Can we please just get this over with?
Ardra: Me first -- look at this! (Flash!) And this! (big Flash!) And even THIS! (gigantic Flash!)
Data: OOooo... Pretty! (huge grin)
Picard: I could do the same thing, if only I had my ship.
Ardra: BwaHAHA! I've already won!
Picard: Okay, my turn now... did Ardra do anything to help bring about economic and social perfection?
Jared: Nuh-uh, we did all that by ourselves.
Picard: Nothing further, your honor.
Data: Do you have anything to say, Ardra?
Ardra: Yeah -- (Flash!) BOO!
Jared: Aieee! Hide me!
Data: Any other bright ideas, Captain?
La Forge: Psst! (whispers) Guess what, boss? (makes OK signal)
Picard: (nods, winks) Why yes your honor! I do have one more thing to say --
Ardra: And what's that?
Picard: Only this! (Flash!) And This! (big Flash!) And also THIS! (gigantic Flash!)
Data: OOOOoooo! I like it! (Thwack!) Case closed.
Ardra: Oh poo! This totally bites!
Jared: Oh ThankYou-ThankYou-ThankYou...you saved us from the devil!
Picard: Oh pshaw, yon vixen was nought but a simple con-artist.
La Forge: Yeah, she used a simple cloaking device --
Data: -- and all the flashes were merely transporter beams.
Picard: Please remember that your planet was able to fix itself on its own.
Jared: Except for this time, when we had to be saved by an android judge and a bald man in a bikini.
Picard: Yes, well -- (clears throat)
Data: What? You said to bring down "some" clothes....
(The Enterprise blasts off at Devilish Speed)
FatMatDuhRat is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.