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The Trek Nation - Devil's Due

Devil's Due

By FatMatDuhRat
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:29 PM GMT

See Also: 'Devil's Due' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: I just thought of something... Q is a really cool adversary, but I wonder how I would handle an all-powerful FEMALE alien. (scratches chin, shrugs) Oh well....

Riker: Captain, we're receiving a distress call from the planet Ventax II.
La Forge: Yeah, some Federation scientists are getting totally thrashed.
Troi: I'm sensing great amounts of mayhem and chaos from there.
Picard: Sounds like fun. Engage!

Picard: 'Allo there! (huge grin) Now what seems to be the trouble, hmm?
Jared: Ardra! ARDRA! ARRR-DRAAA!
Data: Sir, I calculate that he is worried about something called an "Ardra."
Picard: Oh really? Well who the devil is that?
(Giant Flash! of light)
Ardra: BwaHAHA! Speak of me, and I shall appear!

Jared: ....and after one thousand years, Ventax is a perfect society because of the deal we made with (gulp) Ardra.
Picard: Hmph! 'Tis false and un-warranted words thou dost speak.
Ardra: Hey baldy, don't make me angry. (tremendous rumble) You won't like me when I'm angry.
Worf: Grrr, you don't scare me!
Ardra: Oh yeah? (Flash! -- changes into Klingon demon) ROAR! HOW ABOUT NOW?
Worf: Aieee! Troi, hide me!

Picard: You're not supernatural. The Enterprise can easily do the exact same thing.
Ardra: Nuh-unh, not while you're on my planet.
Picard: Okay then, fine. Mr. Data --
Data: Yo!
Picard: -- go play "Sherlock Holmes" for a while.
Data: Oh goodie! (claps hands, dances)
Picard: (ahem) Just find me something good.

Data: Bad news boss, Ventaxian law is on her side.
Picard: Oh dear....
Data: And their "Return of Ardra" clause says that she now owns the Enterprise too.
Picard: (smacks head) D'oh!

Picard: (yawn) Finally, I can get some sleep --
Ardra: (Flash!) 'Allo there handsome!
Picard: What're you doing here?!
Ardra: Oh c'mon genius, anyone can tell why I'm here, alone, in your BED-room....(wink)
Picard: Stop that! Go away I say!
Ardra: (Flash! -- changes into Troi) I sense that you want me to be someone familiar to you....
Picard: UGH! You're repulsive!
Ardra: (Flash!) Even now, Jonny-Wonny?
Picard: GASP! A -- a petticoat! (whispers) My one weakness...a properly dressed woman!

Worf: What did you just say sir?
Picard: (over the comm) Send down Mr. Data in a shuttle along with some clothes for me.
Worf: That's what I thought you said.
Picard: NOW Mr. Worf!

Data: Sir, look! The Enterprise has disappeared!
Picard: Argh! That's it! Take me back to our engineer... he's the only one who knows how to fix a woman and find a ship.
Data: Shouldn't those two terms be reversed, sir?
Picard: Shut up.

Data: Captain, I can help defeat Ardra by becoming a neutral judge and arbitrating her claims.
Picard: Brilliant!
Data: But if you should fail to win your case, I'll have to sentence you to become one of her precious possessions.
Picard: Yeah, just like when you became a toy for Kivas Fajo.
Data: Brilliant!

Picard: Can we please just get this over with?
Ardra: Me first -- look at this! (Flash!) And this! (big Flash!) And even THIS! (gigantic Flash!)
Data: OOooo... Pretty! (huge grin)
Picard: I could do the same thing, if only I had my ship.
Ardra: BwaHAHA! I've already won!

Picard: Okay, my turn now... did Ardra do anything to help bring about economic and social perfection?
Jared: Nuh-uh, we did all that by ourselves.
Picard: Nothing further, your honor.
Data: Do you have anything to say, Ardra?
Ardra: Yeah -- (Flash!) BOO!
Jared: Aieee! Hide me!

Data: Any other bright ideas, Captain?
La Forge: Psst! (whispers) Guess what, boss? (makes OK signal)
Picard: (nods, winks) Why yes your honor! I do have one more thing to say --
Ardra: And what's that?
Picard: Only this! (Flash!) And This! (big Flash!) And also THIS! (gigantic Flash!)
Data: OOOOoooo! I like it! (Thwack!) Case closed.
Ardra: Oh poo! This totally bites!

Jared: Oh ThankYou-ThankYou-ThankYou...you saved us from the devil!
Picard: Oh pshaw, yon vixen was nought but a simple con-artist.
La Forge: Yeah, she used a simple cloaking device --
Data: -- and all the flashes were merely transporter beams.
Picard: Please remember that your planet was able to fix itself on its own.
Jared: Except for this time, when we had to be saved by an android judge and a bald man in a bikini.
Picard: Yes, well -- (clears throat)
Data: What? You said to bring down "some" clothes....
(The Enterprise blasts off at Devilish Speed)

THE END

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


FatMatDuhRat is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.