ConundrumBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:38 PM GMT
See Also: 'Conundrum' Episode Guide
Data: Remarkable. Where did you learn to win this game by using intuition rather than logic?
Troi: In "James Kirk's Guide to Beating Unemotional Chess Opponents." That means you owe me a drink.
Data: I will honour our wager. What would you like?
Troi: Something at which you're an expert -- "Love on the Holodeck."
Data: Made in the traditional manner?
Worf: An unidentified ship is scanning us. I recommend we raise our shields.
Picard: Not yet. There's nothing dangerous about scanning beams, Mis...
Picard: ...ter -- uh, what did you say your name was?
Worf: Who are all you people?
Ro: Beats me. I can't even recall who I am.
Picard: Neither can I. Remembrance is futile.
La Forge: Sounds like a case of collective amnesia.
Picard: These uniforms suggest that we're members of the same crew.
Riker: It's reassuring to think that normally we'd all know one another.
Commander MacDuff: Yes, it certainly is.
Riker: You have four pips on your collar. That must mean you're the leader.
Worf: Or perhaps it means that he is a fourth-rate crewman, and that you are a third-rater. On the basis of my two pips, I outrank both of you.
Ro: I've only got one pip. I guess that I outrank everyone here.
Worf: Indeed. And it would explain why you are sitting while the rest of us are standing.
Ro: Command does have its privileges.
MacDuff: Engineering says the repairs are going well.
Worf: Good. Getting the weapons online will be the highest priority.
Picard: Shouldn't we access the logs first and find out what we're doing here?
Worf: Silence, underling, or I will demote you to five-pip status!
Troi: Whoever I am, I seem to have empathic powers.
Riker: Meaning what?
Troi: Well, for instance, I can sense that you two want to tear each other's clothes off.
Ro: You can tell? I was hoping nobody would notice.
Troi: Then stop tweaking his very attractive hindquarters.
La Forge: According to this crew manifest, the pip system works the other way around.
Picard: So I'm the Captain and Commander MacDuff is my First Officer?
La Forge: Right.
Riker: That's not fair. I'm a Commander too, so why does he get to be First Officer?
La Forge: I guess the top jobs are hard to get on this ship. See this file, for instance? It says we have the highest-ranking android bartender in Starfleet.
Data: Computer records show that we are at war with the Lysians.
La Forge: Our mission is to enter Lysian space and obliterate their weapons of mass destruction.
Picard: Who issued that order?
Data: Ambassador Krajensky.
MacDuff: An unimpeachable source. Let's go.
MacDuff: Here's a printout of the latest intelligence on the enemy's illicit weapon-production program.
Picard: (reading) "The Lysians have nearly completed the Death Star, a space station with enough firepower to destroy an entire...."
MacDuff: It says "planet."
Picard: Yes, but why are there eraser marks under that word?
MacDuff: Uh -- maybe the report was recently updated.
Picard: (squinting at paper) It looks to me like it originally read "cream puff."
MacDuff: You're imagining things.
Ro: Mind if I slip into something more comfortable...like your bed?
Riker: That depends. Are you the jealous type?
Ro: That depends. Did you just come from Counselor Troi's quarters?
Riker: Well, uh....
Picard: Scan the approaching Lysian ship.
Worf: Their armaments are laughable -- plastic shields, one water cannon and two tear-gas grenade launchers.
Riker: What a riot.
MacDuff: I'm sure it's a ruse. Let's blast them.
Troi: Mind if I come in for a visit?
Riker: Not at all. Look at what I've found.
Troi: Interesting -- a statue from Risa and a love note from me to you. What do you think it adds up to?
Ro's voice: (from outside the door) Are you home, sweetie?
Riker: Boy, do I ever hate multiple-choice questions.
MacDuff: Will you stand with me if the Captain hesitates to complete our mission?
Worf: Why would he do so? Did he not believe the current intelligence report on the Lysian weapon program?
MacDuff: Apparently not. He said it reminded him too much of a graduate student thesis he read five years ago.
MacDuff: There's the Lysian Command Centre. Destroy it, Captain!
Picard: The station is unarmed. I will not attack defenseless people.
MacDuff: Then this strike shall be led by me, MacDuff! And damned be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!"
Picard: Fine pentameters cut no ice around here, thou miscreant rogue.
Picard: The Lysians say that "MacDuff" was an agent working for the Satarrans, their mortal enemies.
Riker: I'm glad we've recovered our memories and that we managed to stop him. He could easily have triggered a war.
Troi: (over the comm) Commander Riker, could Ensign Ro and I have a word with you in Ten-Forward?
Picard: Hmm. Perhaps he didn't entirely fail after all.
(Riker leaves for Ten-Forward at Opprobrious Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.