Captain's HolidayBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:23 PM GMT
See Also: 'Captain's Holiday' Episode Guide
Ajur: Computer, list all Starfleet officers presently vacationing on Risa.
Risan Computer: Officers Dulmer, Lucsly, Braxton, Ducane and Daniels.
Boratus: Hmm. Picard hasn't arrived yet.
Ajur: Give him a little more time.
Crusher: Sir, if there was a crewman aboard who was stressed out but who refused to take a holiday, would you order him to go on shore leave?
Picard: Nice try, Mister Spock.
Picard: Read Captain Kirk's logs and you'll see what I mean.
Troi: Captain, I've just arranged a week's vacation for you on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet.
Picard: Out of the question! Only oversexed junior crewmen go to places like that!
Troi: Would you prefer Argelius II or Rubicun III?
Picard: No -- still too hedonistic for my taste.
Riker: What about Risa? I've heard that it's a paradise for intellectuals.
Picard: Oh, very well. Counselor, book me there for two days and two nights.
Picard: Number One, are you trying to keep a straight face about something?
Riker: Who, me sir?
Picard: What would you like me to bring you back from Risa as a souvenir?
Riker: A Horga'hn.
Picard: A what?
Riker: It's a bulbous statuette about this long and this thick.
Picard: Uh...would you settle for a nice t-shirt instead?
Vash: Kiss me, you fool!
Picard: Excuse me, miss...do I know you?
Vash: Of course not. On Risa, people who know each other never kiss in public.
Joval: Do you seek jamaharon?
Picard: You mean like that Curzon guy who just got carried out of here on a stretcher? No thanks.
Joval: Then please conceal your Horga'hn -- you're giving people the wrong impression.
Sovak: I know who you're working with, Hu-mon! Give me the disk!
Picard: Get back to your brother's bar, Ferengi. You're mistaking me for someone else.
Sovak: So are you!
Vash: What are you reading?
Picard: "The Adventures of Robin Hood."
Vash: Sounds stupid. What's it about?
Picard: A charming rogue who lives by deception and theft.
Vash: What a terrible role model!
Picard: What are you doing in my room?
Ajur: We are Vorgons from the twenty-seventh century.
Picard: Does your poetry get any better three hundred years from now?
Boratus: Yes, and the name of our species gains the letter "r".
Ajur: We are looking for the Tox Uthat, an advanced superweapon from the future that can blow up a star.
Picard: Big deal. We can do the same thing today with trilithium.
Boratus: Can trilithium also serve as an attractive paperweight?
Ajur: The Uthat can. That is what makes it so superior.
Vash: This disk contains information on where the Uthat is hidden.
Picard: A disk which you and Sovak stole from your former employer?
Vash: Serves him right. He owed us a ten-year backlog of unclaimed coffee breaks.
Sovak: Do not trust this woman! She stole the disk from me!
Vash: That's not true! I gave you a valuable gold statuette of a falcon in exchange!
Sovak: It was made of lead!
Vash: Lead, gold -- what's the difference? Just three protons, right? Sheesh.
Vash: Now that we've ditched Sovak, let's go find the Uthat.
Picard: Do you have all the necessary gear?
Vash: Yup. Backpack, pistols, thigh holsters, shorts, tank top and sunglasses for me; a bullwhip, a revolver and a floppy hat for you.
Picard: Tell me again where you got your archaeology training?
Picard: Bad news, Sovak -- the Uthat isn't where the map says it's supposed to be.
Sovak: WAAAAH! A lifetime of searching wasted!
Vash: What are you complaining about? At least you got a lead falcon statue out of it.
Sovak: And just who am I supposed to sell it to? Some music collector who likes heavy metal?
Picard: You've been hiding the Uthat in my room all along, Vash! Where is it?
Vash: In a container that's about this long and this thick.
Picard: That's the most useless hint I've ever heard.
Ajur: Congratulations on finding the Uthat.
Boratus: Now give it to us.
Vash: Who are those two?
Picard: Police officers from the future.
Vash: Are they really? How do you know they're not enemy agents fighting a temporal cold war?
Picard: Good point. (Picard destroys the Uthat)
Vash: WAAAAH! Five years of searching wasted!
Vorgons: WAAAAH! Three centuries of searching wasted!
Picard: Computer, please replicate a box of tissues and a pair of earplugs.
Troi: So how was your holiday on Risa, Captain?
Picard: A bit too loud for my taste, but otherwise fine.
Riker: Maybe you should have spent more time there.
Picard: Maybe you should have asked me to bring you back a stupid t-shirt.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.