All Good ThingsBy Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:36 PM GMT
See Also: 'All Good Things' Episode Guide
Worf: Time for another W/T scene.
Troi: Ho-hum. Hi there, Captain.
Picard: The date, Commander! I need to know the exact date!
Worf: Well, first we had dinner, then I showed her my Black Sea holoprogram....
Picard: Computer, what day is it?
Computer: The first day of the rest of your life.
Troi: It's Stardate 47988, Captain.
Picard: Thank you, Counsellor. At last your genius for stating the obvious has come in useful.
Troi: So you've been somehow hopping into the past and future?
Picard: Exactly. It's a different year, but I'm the same person, and everything else is the same.
Worf: This is very serious. Captain, I must ask you a vital question of security: am I Emperor in the future?
Picard: I don't believe so.
Worf: Do I at least get to kill Riker?
Picard: Well --
Future La Forge: Hi, non-Captain! How's the vineyard?
Picard: Geordi, your VISOR! What happened to it?
Future La Forge: That little girl finally wanted her barrette back, remember?
Picard: Yes... yes, of course. It's all coming back now. I'm readjusting to this time --
Picard: -- period. Dammit!
Yar: I'm sorry, sir, I'm afraid I don't understand. Are you swearing about punctuation or feminine problems?
Picard: Tasha! You're alive!
Yar: Um... that's correct, sir.
Picard: At last. I've always wanted to tell you how much I miss --
Picard: -- your presence on the bridge.
Troi: It is? Really? Oh, Captain, you remembered my birthday! I'll go get it right away!
Picard: This had better be the last time we do that gag.
Crusher: Well, I'm not detecting any chronoplasts in your temporeticulum, but then, I just made those words up.
Picard: Beverly, you have to believe me. I remember travelling in time.
Crusher: I want to believe, Mulder, but until we have proof....
Data: (over the comm) Captain, we are receiving a priority transmission from Starfleet.
Picard: Put it through, and you don't need to specify. Starfleet doesn't have any non-priority transmitters.
Nakamura: I'm ordering you to the Neutral Zone to see what those 30 warbirds are doing there.
Picard: What if what they're doing is waiting for us to be ordered there so they can kill us?
Nakamura: Then they'll have a very easy time of it with 30 warbirds.
Picard: Whoa! I'm back in the future.
Future La Forge: Are you feeling all right? Maybe we should take you to see a doctor.
Picard: Good idea: we'll go see Data. He's a doctor of something, isn't he?
Future La Forge: Well, technically, but --
Picard: Then off we go. Chop chop.
Future Data: Captain! Geordi! So good to see you again. How do you like my distinguished gray hair?
Picard: There's nothing distinguished about hair. Data, I need your help... I've been travelling in time.
Future Data: And you'd like me to help you break the habit?
Picard: It wouldn't be the first time. You were the one who taught me to drink coffee instead of tea.
Future La Forge: I still think that's just wrong.
Picard: And here I am in the past. Guess I'm supposed to read this speech, eh? Very well; I'll try to ignore the invisible people mocking me in the audience. Oh, by the way, red alert.
Yar: Red alert! You heard the loony toon.
Picard: So you see, gentlemen, I called the red alert because there's danger to the ship which I'm not really planning to explain.
Past Troi: Well, danger is danger.
Picard: Obviously. Mr. Worf, I need you to prepare your security teams for --
Yar: Hello? I'm security chief.
Picard: Ah yes. My apologies; I've not yet mastered the difference between my manly girl and my girly man.
Past Worf: That is entirely understandaHEYYY!
O'Brien: We've just received new orders from Starfleet.
Picard: Don't tell me: priority orders?
O'Brien: Yes, sir. We're to proceed to the Neutral Zone and --
Picard: Screw that. We're going to Farpoint.
Yar: Holy cow! Who does the captain think he is?
Past Worf: I do not know, but I already like him.
Picard: Whew! I'm back.
Crusher: Have you thought of a way to prove you're really time-travelling?
Picard: Absolutely. Mr. Worf, will you come here for a moment?
Worf: That's for the "girly man" comment seven years ago that I just remembered now.
Crusher: Oh, Jean-Luc! I'll never doubt you again!
Picard: I'd... settle... for... an... anaesthetic....
Riker: Yeah, but why aren't events in your three timelines affecting each other? I don't get it.
La Forge: You don't get much, sir. They could be distinct alternate timelines, or it could all be staged somehow....
Picard: In either case, we have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the Sentinels.
Crusher: (He's been watching either X-Men or The Matrix too much lately. I'm not sure which.)
Riker: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Troi: You've known me for twelve years. Will, I know you care about me, but... well....
Riker: Well what?
Troi: It's your beard. It just isn't sufficient anymore.
Worf: In case you can't tell, Commander, I'm grinning. But it's hard to see that through my thick, thick beard.
Crusher: I'm worried about you, Jean-Luc. It sounds like you're destined to go senile.
Picard: Oh, that's absurd. ....What does "senile" mean?
Crusher: This seems as good a time to kiss you as any. We'd better enjoy it, since it's the last time.
Picard: More pessimism? Don't worry so much, Beverly. I'm not going senile, we'll kiss plenty in the movies, and there will be no Borg on Enterprise.
Future La Forge: Wake up, sir. It's time to do whatever it is we came to see Data for.
Picard: Yeah, about that... let's go to the Neutral Zone instead.
Future La Forge: Um... why?
Picard: Because I'm senile. I mean because the Neutral Zone is the key to all this. The Enterprise was ordered there in both the other timelines.
Future La Forge: But don't you remember the big exposé in 2379, when it turned out that admirals had only been sending ships to the Neutral Zone for fun?
Picard: Obviously not.
Future Riker: (over the comm) No way am I lending you a ship. That area is Klingon territory now.
Future Riker: So you might run into Worf.
Future Riker: Worf's a wad.
Picard: Look, this is very important to me! If you don't let me go, I may not be able to erase this entire future timeline, including the last 25 years of your life!
Future Riker: That was remarkably unpersuasive.
Picard: It's a gift. Of senility.
Future La Forge: All right, so Riker won't help us. What's the backup plan?
Future Data: Hiding inside torpedoes that are being fired into that sector.
Future La Forge: Right. And the backup backup plan?
Future Data: I don't remember, something about crushing people.
Picard: Crusher! Beverly Crusher! Are you still trying to learn humour?
Future Data: No spit, Sherlock.
Future La Forge: That wasn't funny either.
Future Data: Indeed. No wit, Watson.
Picard: Beverly! It's been so long....
Future Crusher: It would have been longer if you hadn't gotten the restraining order repealed. How did you do that, anyway?
Future Data: We obtained a copy of the order, peeled it, and then peeled it again.
Future Crusher: It must be nice to have overly literal friends in high places, Jean-Luc.
Picard: You have no idea. Ensign, set a course for the Neutral Zone, maximum warp!
Ensign: The what?
Picard: "The region of space formerly known as the Neutral Zone," if you must be so picky.
O'Brien: Now entering the region of space currently known as Farpoint.
Picard: Excellent. Time to take after a predecessor of mine. (ahem) KYOOOOOOOOOO!
Yar: Ow! My eyes!
Picard: I wasn't that loud, and don't you mean your ears?
Yar: No, my eyes. You couldn't even spell "Q" with a Q?
Picard: Not when I needed to stretch out the -- oh, forget it. I'll be in my ready room.
Picard: Say, this isn't my ready room. It's not even Kirk's bedroom.
Q: No, it's not. Welcome back to... the trial of mankind!
Picard: But that trial ended seven years ago. You found me guilty of pleading not guilty.
Q: Ah, but I didn't pass sentence.
Picard: You froze two of my officers in ice!
Q: That wasn't a complete sentence, it was a prepositional freeze.
Picard: Can I at least ask you some questions?
Q: But of course. You're familiar with the Captain Pike two-light system, I'm sure.
Picard: THERE ARE F--
Q: Don't even think about it.
Picard: Sorry. Are the Romulans responsible for the anomaly?
Picard: Then someone else is responsible?
Picard: Your Yes light is burnt out, isn't it?
Picard: Heck with this. I'm leaving.
Q: Very well. You think you can solve the mystery before I pass sentence? Take your best shot!
Q: Not at me, you idiot, I'm a demigod.
Riker: So Q is involved, eh? The plot, she thickens.
La Forge: Do you think we can believe any of those lies he told you?
Picard: Oh, most of them. Q seemed oddly serious, as if he knows he's not being played for laughs this time.
Barclay: (over the comm) That lucky duck.
Troi: Be patient, Reg. You'll find a serious path someday.
Data: Now approaching the Neutral Zone. Hey, is that a Class-2 comet?
Riker: Let's chase it!
Picard: Curb your enthusiasm, gentlemen. Who's in command of the Romulan fleet?
Worf: Tomalak, sir.
Picard: That yutz? I think I'll go to the future for a while.
Future Worf: (over the comm) It's too dangerous to let you into our space. That wussy ship of yours can't even cloak.
Picard: Well, of course not. The Romulans wouldn't hear of --
Future La Forge: Sir, this is the future, remember? The Klingons have assimilated the Romulans.
Picard: Oh. Well, whatever... you'll do the right thing and let us through, Worf. I know you will.
Future Worf: No, I won't.
Picard: Will you do it for a Kahless Snack?
Future Worf: Yes, I will.
Future Crusher: I hope you realize we'll have to run like headless chickens at the first sign of trouble.
Picard: Of course I realize that. What do you think I am, senile?
Future Crusher: ....Um, on a different note, why don't you give the order to engage?
Picard: Certainly, my dear. Make it so!
Future Crusher: Darn it, Jean-Luc, I was trying to turn the conversation away from senility.
O'Brien: Welcome back to the past. Are you done shouting letters now?
Picard: Almost. (ahem) DEEEEEEEE! Okay, now I'm finished.
Past Troi: (over the comm) Did someone call me?
Picard: Mr. O'Brien, plot a course for the Neutral Zone.
O'Brien: But won't the Romulan detection grid spot us?
Picard: We'll just have to be careful to use safe sectors.
Yar: The preferred term is safer sectors, sir. Sectors are never completely safe.
Past Troi: I think I should inform you that the crew is uneasy. They pretty much think you're insane.
Picard: If you rearrange the letters of "Tasha Yar," you get "Ah, a stray." Oh, hello Deanna. Good timing -- I'm about to call Will Riker.
Past Troi: Were you listening to me? You have to tone down these crazy orders....
Past Riker: (over the comm) Riker here.
Picard: Commander, this is Captain Picard. We'll be late picking you up, so while you're waiting, I'd appreciate it if you would find and destroy Wesley Crusher. Thank you.
Past Riker: Oh, thank you, sir. Riker out.
Picard: Now what was that about crazy orders, Counsellor?
Past Troi: Absolutely nothing.
Tomalak: Are you quite through with the time jumping? We have a standoff to continue.
Picard: All we want to do is investigate the anomaly. Surely you can allow that.
Tomalak: Not good enough.
Picard: Let us in or I'll mention the Remans.
Tomalak: Grrrr... very well, you leave me no choice. But behave yourselves or I'll see to it that you make a very satisfying thud when you hit the ground.
Data: Now detecting the anomaly.
Riker: Well, this isn't very big. It's only ten centimeters across.
Picard: The viewscreen isn't actual size, Will.
Past Data: Now detecting the anomaly.
Picard: How big is it?
Past Data: Oh, much bigger. Twenty centimeters at least.
Future Data: Now detecting the anomaly.
Picard: How big is it?
Future Data: Actually, that was a lie. There is no anomaly.
Picard: Well, we'll wait here until there is one. It's not like there's any rush.
Computer: Warning. Klingon ships detected on kill-the-crap-out-of-us course.
Picard: No rush whatsoever.
La Forge: Ow! My VISOR!
Crusher: Nothing's wrong with your VISOR, Geordi. Something's right with your eyes.
Picard: Look, I'm a busy man. What does this have to do with anything?
Crusher: It's just to underline the weird temporal properties of the anomaly. We'll also be killing Ogawa's baby to make that point.
Data: Woo! I have determined what the anomaly is. Go me.
Data: It is made of anti-time. And it is giving off anti-time radiation.
Picard: Shhh! Janeway will hear you!
Past Data: Who, sir?
Picard: Never mind. I have a theory about the anomaly....
Past Data: I thought you might.
Picard: But what I don't get is why it's twice as big here.
Past Data: Actually, it is either two, four, or eight times, depending on the preferred interpretation of "big." If you are referring to linear dimensions --
Picard: I'll be in my ready room. Tasha, you have the bridge, and you'll find some captain's-issue earplugs under my chair.
Computer: The Klingons are here! AAAAAAAAAA!
Picard: Worf, tell them to back off!
Klingons: (over the comm) Ha ha ha ha! You think we'll listen to that girly man?
Future Worf: Perhaps today is a good day for them to die. Prepare for ramming speed!
Ensign: Sir, there's another starship coming in... it's the Enterprise!
Future Worf: You mean Archer's weak-kneed dinghy of suckitude?
Ensign: No, Riker's huge engine of butt-kicking.
Future Worf: Oo, even better. Ram him instead.
Picard: All right, are we done with the cross-fiver references already?
Future Riker: Welcome aboard, all of you. Worf, I'm sure you understand I make one exception.
Future Worf: Of course. No one would be eager to have Crusher come aboard.
Picard: I think he means... oh, never mind. Beverly, I'm truly sorry I got your ship destroyed.
Future Crusher: Well, let's let bygones be bygones and put the Pasteur behind us. But I'm still going to sedate your senile @$$ if you try to make us continue the mission.
Picard: I understand. Now Will, let's continue the -- oof.
Data: Our tachyon scan of the anomaly is nearly complete. Tachyon particles, incidentally, travel backwards in time.
Picard: That's hardly important.
Data: How are the scans progressing in the past and future?
Picard: I don't know, we've kind of glossed over that. It didn't seem important.
Q: You're going to need a pretty big hint to figure this out, aren't you?
Picard: Wow! This is the farthest in the past I've ever been, except for that time I surrendered too hard and sent myself back before the Big Bang.
Q: That was more than even I needed to know, and I'm omniscient. Now see this puddle of goo?
Puddle of Goo: Hi! I'm the birthplace of life on Earth.
Anomaly: Like hell you are!
Puddle of Goo: GAK!
Picard: This is disturbing for more reasons than I can list....
Past Data: Are you all right, sir? "All right": okay, fine, satisfied, ducky....
Picard: Data... shut up. (I've been waiting fifteen minutes to say that.) And then scan the interior of the anomaly with Tech Device A.
Past Data: We are not equipped with a --
Picard: Fine, how long till we will be?
Past Data: I believe we will likely have one in seven y--
Picard: Works for me. Data, bring Tech Device A online.
Data: Aye, sir. Ooooooo! It appears the anomaly has been created by three converging tachyon beams from three different times.
Picard: What an amazing coincidence! I've been in three different times and fired tachyon beams in this exact spot.
Data: Perhaps those phenomena are related.
Picard: I don't see how, but I'll switch to my future self. He's had more time to think about it.
Future Crusher: Will, you and Worf have to make up. It's depressing to see him sit over at that table alone.
Future Riker: That was a group decision. None of us can stand his dinner conversation.
Future Crusher: You're missing the point. Deanna died years ago -- why can't you two put the pasteur behind you?
Future Riker: Because he blames me for ruining his record. Deanna was his first love interest to die before marrying him.
Picard: We have to go back, Will! We have to fix the rift! I just realized we created it ourselves!
Future Riker: Oh, not you too. What's between me and Worf is our business.
Future Data: I believe he is referring to the anomaly. That is unimportant, however, since he is batty as Wayne Manor.
Picard: I am not!
Future Riker: Really? Let's go back, then.
Picard: Excellent. Beverly, may I have a sip of your tea?
Future Crusher: Sure.
Picard: (sip) Ahhh. I don't know why I ever gave this up.
Future La Forge: Hey, there is an anomaly here now.
Picard: What did I tell you? Our tachyon beams created it.
Future Worf: Actually, doesn't this disprove your theory? You're contending that the anomaly grows as it progresses into the past, so shouldn't it have been here before we fired the tachyon beam and absent after, not the other way around?
Future Worf: What, I can't know science?
Picard: I think I speak for all of us when I say no.
Future Data: The first thing you need to do is stop the other tachyon beams.
Picard: No problem. Mr. Data, cease fire!
Future Data: You're still in the future.
Picard: Oh. Give me a minute... all right, Data, cease fire!
Future Data: Future.
Picard: Blast! I need to prompt a time-jump somehow... ah, I've got it. (ahem) I surrender!
Past Data: Pardon me, sir?
Future La Forge: That wasn't enough. We're going to have to go in and fix the rift ourselves.
Future Riker and Worf: We said, it's not your business!
Future La Forge: The space rift. Captain, you'll need to have the other Enterprises make static warp shells inside the anomaly.
Picard: But it's bigger back then... won't the pressure make them explode spectacularly?
Future La Forge: Well, I sure hope so.
Past Data: I do not understand, sir. How do we create a static warp shell?
Picard: Just call up whoever's our chief engineer this week and tell him to rub some cats against the warp core.
Yar: Sir, this is too dangerous! We'll be destroyed! We've obeyed the rest of your senile orders, but this is too --
Picard: Do I have to get out my dramatic pep talk and beat you with it?
Yar: ....No, sir. I'm sorry.
Past Worf: That settles it: I do like him.
Picard: Static warp shell.
Picard: Done. Can we hurry this up a bit? Coronation Street waits for no man.
Future Riker: Take us in, Mr. Data. Hey, look, the other two Enterprises are on the viewscreen.
Future Riker: Other one Enterprise.
Future Riker: Forget it.
Future Crusher: Wait! There's a pattern here! If it holds, then --
Q: Well done, Jean-Luc. You've proven the potential of your species.
Picard: To understand complicated paradoxes?
Q: To cause cool explosions! Whee! Zow-bang! If you keep this up, you'll be in good with the Continuum for years to come.
Picard: Then the trial is over?
Q: The trial never ends. It's like the O. J. trial. But I'm confident that if you keep up the good work, you'll get off easy. And who knows? Maybe I'll show up now and then to do the "you must acquit" chant.
Picard: You could just get another captain to torment.
Q: Oh, I rather doubt I'll find one who appeals to me.
Captain's Log: Everything is back to normal, and I'm the only one who remembers what happened. But at least now I know for certain that, when trouble comes, my baldness will indeed see us through.
La Forge: I'm glad Captain Picard told us that story. It was really interesting. Definitely made up, though.
Picard: Hello, all. I see the poker game is in progress... do you mind if I join?
All: Of course!
Picard: You're sure you won't find that awkward or anything?
All: Not at all.
Troi: (Will, hide the "special" King of Hearts, fast!)
Riker: (I don't have it. I think Data dealt it to --)
Picard: Hey! This card has my picture with the caption "The King of Hairlessness!"
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)
Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.